Look In The Mirror...What Do You See?

*Sigh* It's been a bit of a stressful week. Shouldn't have been and I should not have let this bother me but due to prior experience, of course it has! Earlier this week, the girl who I previously stated had made an effort to derail my budding relationship with Rich, has once again reared her ugly head and made yet another attempt at ruining what has the potential to be something really special. Unlike her, I will once again not use her name because I have more respect for my fellow person than she does obviously. I would not deliberately go out of my way to hurt someone as she has so many countless times in the years that I have known her. I, unlike her, have a heart and a conscience. This time though, instead of saying derogatory things about me and my friends, she has chosen to attack Rich. Now, for those of you who have met or know my boyfriend, you know what a kindhearted, sweet, and giving person he is. He will go out of his way to help perfect strangers if the need calls for it. He is just one of those selfless people who always puts someone else first. I know - I'm so lucky, right!? Honestly, he really is someone who one could easily take advantage of...guess he's a lot like me. Now, she is trying to say that he has another girlfriend, other than me. Now, knowing her and how much of a conniving, deceitful, and lying person she is, I should have let this mis-information just go in one ear and out the other, but due to the fact that in my last relationship that is exactly what happened to me, I couldn't help the wheels of doubt from starting to turn. I couldn't stop those sneaking feelings of suspiciousness and paranoia from seeping into my mind, no matter what I already knew as the truth. And I know how unfair that is to Rich, I shouldn't punish him for the actions of the mistakes I made before, but their mark on my mind and heart have been indelible. He and I have talked about this and were both profoundly upset that she would start such a rumor and to drag his sister in and place all the blame on her. She and his sister are very close friends and the impression I keep getting is that she isn't even giving me a chance and is in cahoots with this girl to make sure he and I don't stay together happily. I've never done anything to her to make her want to destroy this little bit of happiness I've finally found. I know the girl has to be a miserable person, to try and create this drama and malcontent. Seems like the only joy she finds in life is in the pain of others. And as much as I want to confront her, to tell her what I really think of her, to air her dirty laundry for the world. I won't. Why? Because I pity her. Pity her and the life she's leading, the example she sets for her young daughter and child to come. She is still just a child herself to behave the way she does. It's time to grow up and take responsiblity for yourself instead of butting your nose into things you really don't know anything about. We're happy, try and find some of that for yourself. Continuing as you are will only bring more darkness to your heart and if you do, you'll never find anything but that. I'd love to just unleash the anger I had earlier this week, because it's still there. The urge to grab her, shake her, slap her around a little, it's still under the surface of the calm I find now. But I know better and I know the type of person she is. It's a shame she comes from such a nice family and should reflect what her parents taught her instead of trying to hurt so many people with lies. I really do pity her and that's what saves me and her for not doing what I'd really like to. So I forgive you. I forgive you for all the rumors you've started now and from years before. Because those who know the truth, those who know you, know your lies. And those who know you, will never believe a word that comes out of your mouth. Especially anything good. I'd really like to know how you can look at yourself in the mirror every day and not see the ugly person you have become. Your face maybe pretty but inside you're the ugliest person I have ever met. Goodluck in life, you're going to need it.

One positive thing to come out of all of this is it's made me appreciate what I have with Rich just that much more. I think I was already starting to take it all for granted. Like I've said, I thought our honeymoon period was pretty much over in the first week and I went through a period of "grumpiness" with him where I found myself getting annoyed easily, but recently even before this, we started, atleast I did, finding a comfortable place with each other. Like it had been a lot longer than just 2+ months that we'd been together. After this week though, even though those little questioning fears are still lingering a little. I find that I'm appreciating him, just being around him and just what we have. I find myself slowly getting close to the big "L" word. I don't use that term loosely. I used too quickly before and I knew then I wasn't ready for it but said it to make the other happy. Now, I find myself wanting to say it but am afraid to be the first person to do it. Guess we'll have to wait and see. I do know that I care for him a lot and I'm really looking forward to where all of this goes. I know I'm lucky to have someone like Rich in my life. You don't come across men like him that often anymore.

Remember - You're Better Than That

I've thought about starting one of these online blog things for awhile now...just kept putting it off for some unbeknownst reason. Guess today is as good a day as any to begin. I sometimes post random thoughts in my MySpace blog but it's never anything consistent and usually about something that has either pissed me off or depressed me. But if it weren't for outlets such as that, I'd be a ticking timebomb just waiting to go off. There have been so many times in my life that I have been thankful for the ability to find the words that I need. Usually written because I can never seem to get my mind to move quite as quickly as I'd like, but thankful nonetheless. It's just easier to be able to sit down and actually form a whole thought, to think about what you want to say, thinking before you speak can be an invaluable asset that some lack. I know I'm grateful when the opportunity allows me really think about something before I say it because I hate when I say things that I cannot take back. I've been thinking all night about what I would post about here in my first entry. I know there are somethings that have been bothering me but do I really want to start this out on a negative foot? Not really, but...when what is on your mind is on your mind, what else can you do?

I've just recently in the last couple of weeks started seeing a really sweet guy who seems to genuinely unquestionably like me, just as I am like me. Now I know a lot of people search for a long time for someone who just likes them as they are and I am thankful to have been introduced to him, ironically on the day after my least favorite day of the year, Valentine's Day. We've spent every day since we met together atleast for some period of time, guess that's the "honeymoon" phase, right? He's met my friends, some of my family, and all have given "thumbs up", so far so good, right? Well, I should have known better. Every time I get a little bit of happiness something's just got to rain on my parade. This time it's someone who just no matter how nice you've been to her cannot find a decent thing to say about you. She is one of the most naturally miserable people I have met in my life. If she's not happy, she'll do her damnedest to make sure the rest of the world joins her in her misery. I probably have not actually seen her in nearly a year and lucky me...she ends up being one of the best friends of his sister. Now I am fortunate enough to have one of the greatest little groups of friends anyone could ask for. We are there for each other in the good, the bad, and the ugly and ready to lend a hand, a shoulder, or a beer. They are truly one of the best groups of people I have ever met in my life and I'm always thankful for their presence and influence in my life. If anyone should be so lucky to know them, they should thank their lucky stars. I know I do. Well, Tuesday I get a text from my new friend telling me that he's heard from "her" and that she had nothing good to say (which I knew was inevitable as soon as I'd heard his sister and she were friends) but instead of it being just about me, he was told that he didn't want to get "mixed up with that crowd, that they were bad news." I was flamed as soon as I heard this. It's one thing to belittle me, but you do not attack my friends and family (some friends ARE family and others might as well be). I knew this was just jealousy on her part, knowing that she used to be involved in this group, but lost her place after several occasions of showing her TRUE colors. My first reaction was to flip out and I was SO ready to track her down and tell her to grow the f**k up, but then I remembered that would be stooping to her low level and I knew I was better than that. There's no point in arguing with a child. Too bad this was a child with a child and one on the way, one would think that would make you grow up but I guess not. I talked this over a little with one of my friends who knows her tricks well and I think she may have been even more angry than me, ready to go on the defense right beside me. It's moments like that that really make me thankful for the friends that I have. Fortunately for us or should I say, fortunate for HER, she doesn't cross our paths often, and in my personal opinion, though I am trying to be the "bigger" person about this, I feel that I'd have issue keeping my mouth shut. I guess this is a case of those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, because I've got just about as much dirt on her as she THINKS she does on me and my friends. She is NO angel, not even close. Fortunately for me, my new friend knows how she is and has a mind of his own to know that she's full of bullsh*t. And likes me enough to not care what she might say. Plus I told him if there's anything he ever hears about me and wants to know the truth, to just come to me and I'll tell him. I've never seen a reason to keep the truth if I'm asked. I guess all in all, I am an adult and she's not, I'm actually on the road to some happiness and she's not. All I can say is good luck and move on, there are far better people out there to make miserable other than me and besides if it's a battle you want to win, go for it, because baby, I'll win the war.