Luck? The Lord? What Do You Believe?

This has certainly been a weekend of ups and downs, luck on our side more than once for different reasons. Friday was a day like any other, thankfully peaceful, spent at work and then with good friends, just enjoying each other's company at our favorite watering hole. Saturday morning dawned as a pretty good day as well, got to spend some much needed time with a friend I've missed and rarely get to see, Amanda. But that day turned to a dark one when I got a phone call that my dearest aunt, my Aunt Kate, Mom's sister, had been rushed to the hospital because she had been pulled into the machine, a heavy duty drill press, she was operating at work. My problem was I had no way to get to her after I had heard (later people told me it was okay because she was out of it and it was better I didn't see her the way she was the first day, but I still wanted to be there, I know she would have been there had it been me). My boyfriend had picked me up the night before from work because he was concerned about me driving on the bad roads (sweet, though I could have made it on my own.) so my car had been left at the shop and my mom didn't wait for me to come back from spending time with Amanda and I missed her by about 15 minutes. My boyfriend was still at work and couldn't get away so I was largely stranded for the weekend. Her injuries turned out be two broken arms, a broken/cracked sternum, cracked ribs, and series of scrapes and bruises from her neck to well down the length of her body. Now, a lot of people have been saying pray and thank God for her being alive. I am thankful for her being alive because many people including the doctor said she shouldn't be there considering what had happened to her. But why should I thank God? Why can't I be angry at him for letting this happen to her in the first place? My Aunt Kate has had alot of pain in her life already, both physically and emotionally. She doesn't deserve this to happen to her too. She's had to work HARD for everything she has. It seems like nothing has ever come easily to her. Rarely does anything come easily to ANYONE in our family. So why am I thanking GOD that she's still alive? I think I thank HER for still being alive and remembering that despite all she's been through that she has SO MUCH to live for and fighting to keep herself from giving up and letting that machine take her. A family that loves her with all of their hearts, a man that realized that what he had was so special that he had to come back to it, and two little babies who love their "mama" so sweetly and innocently that they just really couldn't grow up without her there to kiss their boo boos and teach them all she's learned in life. You and everyone else can say all they want about thanking God and making their prayers to him that she's alive, but I think more than anything she should know that I thank her for not giving up. Maybe that's what helped Aunt Kate, thinking about God and giving him her prayers to keep her with us and if that's what it took then yes, I'll thank him too. But I think it was her own heart that saved her, her own heart, her own courage, and her own strength. I guess I have a hard time with giving all the credit to God. I guess I still don't understand why all the pain in the world is a GOOD thing and that it's him testing our faith? I guess that's why I've lost mine and why I thank my Aunt Kate for her being with us still. I'd rather have faith in the people I believe in and prove to me that they deserve it, like my Aunt Kate, then in an invisible being that has never given me a REAL reason to believe. If anything this event in our lives has just given me more reason to push him out of my life. Why hurt those that struggle already? Why test those that have never lived a day without being put to those tests? It's just not fair. Maybe my blaming Him gives way to me still believing more than I think I do, but I'm still angry and I still choose to believe as I do. I feel myself getting closer and closer to an atheist life every day and things like this just make me want to choose that path more. I'm angry at Him, I'm angry at people who put their faith in something that lets this bs happen. To my Aunt, to people like Jen Yatsko who lost her baby to SIDS, I still think about that all of the time and I guess I'll just never understand why people still put their hopes and whole lives into believing into something you can't actually see. I guess I'll just never understand. I did finally get to see my Aunt Kate on Sunday and she looked so worn out and I just didn't know how to react. I tried to joke with her, but that didn't seem right, I tried to make conversation, but light words just didn't seem to fit either. I love my Aunt Kate, she has been there for me so many times and has understood things that I have gone through in my life better than others because she has already been there. She's been like a big sister to me and I'll love her forever. To see her like that broke my heart and elevated my anger, though I try not to let it show. She's not going to be able to play with those babies she loves for so long and do all of the things she would usually do for herself, even the most basic things are going to be a challenge, from taking a shower to even coughing. I stopped back on Monday to see her again and she seemed much better, more alert, more awake, and she did finally come home today though I haven't seen her yet since I work 2nd shift. She's a strong woman that I know will come out of all of this with flying colors and I hope she OWNS that company by the time all of this is worked out. Love you and am ALWAYS rooting for you, Aunt Kate.