Off The Top Of My Head

Wow...I've been slacking again. But in retrospect, that's a good thing, right? Means I'm out living life instead of writing about it! Let's see...what's been going on?

Well, I tried to have one of "those" talks with Rich, but it definitely didn't go the way I wanted it to. I breached the subject of not knowing much about his past or more personal life and asked why he didn't talk about it. All I got was "I don't know." *Sigh* I then continued by saying that I'd like to know more about him, because after more than 2 months of seeing each other, I feel like I've opened up a lot in showing who I am and where I come from but still don't know much about him. This lead to him just putting his arm around me and again coming up with "I don't know why." I really don't think it should seem like pulling teeth to get to know someone who's supposed to care about you. I don't think it should be so hard to share who you are with someone you care about. Am I being pushy? Am I being selfish? I don't know. This isn't the only issue I have but the other seems...well, it really does seem like a superficial and selfish reason to be "upset" about. I'm not really angry about it. It's just that I am someone who makes an effort to make others feel good about themselves by telling them they look nice and while I don't REALLY need the validation, we all like to hear it sometimes. Not once since we've been dating have I heard a "you look nice tonight" or a variation of it. Not once. I feel childish even writing about it, but sometimes when your self-esteem isn't that great to begin with, you need that little something from especially your significant other, that your efforts to look good for them actually pay off. I get that he's a guy and they just don't really pay attention to stuff like that sometimes but I'm a girl that needs it every once in awhile. I can't bring something like that up because if I hear it from him after that it seems like he's just saying it because I did. Lose lose situation....oh well.

Let's see what else...OH for EVERYONE to know - don't go to Donovan and Bauer Auto Group in Titusville for anything! No service, no cars...they don't know what quality work is! Around six months ago I had a wheel bearing/hub replaced on my car. Granted these parts are crap on all Grand Ams and I've gone through so many on the 2 I have owned that its ridiculous, but six months was definitely a record! I had Rich replace both of them on the front of my car recently and he called to tell me during the process that when I had the one replaced at the dealership they failed to put in 2 of the 3 bolts that hold the wheel on the car. I asked if this was something that could have just fallen out accidentally and he said no, that that's a secure piece and that where they should have been was rusted proving that they had not been in the wheel for awhile. Huh? Interesting. I asked if this was something dangerous and he said absolutely, it only had one bolt/screw holding the whole wheel on the car and it could have easily snapped off. I was pissed! I could have been seriously hurt or even died! And what if I had had someone else in the car with me? What if I had Jaiden or Brody with me? I was so angry, I wanted to march into that service department and tell them exactly what kind of workers they had employed there but after talking to my mom she said I couldn't really complain because the service department manager had given her a lot of discounts over the years and I had to let this one go. Huh? Wonder if we'd have let it go had the wheel come off? So while I can't complain to them, I can let everyone I know what kind of operation they have going down there - shitty! Avoid Donovan and Bauer Auto Group - they don't know quality!

Had another disappointment last week...found out Black Widow will not be at Clearview on my birthday. :( I was so looking forward to that! I've seen them come and go on everyone's birthdays and couldn't wait for them to be there on mine! Especially now that Lana knows I can sing and would have most likely pulled me up there to sing again! Definitely puts a damper on my canoe and band plans! I'm going to suck it up though and have decided I want to go camping after canoeing now. And while some friends have offered their backyard...No thanks...that's not camping! I want us all in tents out in the middle of no where! It's been so long since I've really camped and am definitely up for it!

So much is going on in the next couple of months...just don't know how I'm going to afford to swing it all! This weekend is Alisha's bridal shower and I have yet to get her a gift. Next is Rich's birthday...and I have sworn NO John Deere! The boy is obsessed with it and anything I'd get he'd probably already have. I think I'm going to add some Old Navy to his wardrobe! Just stuff I think he'd actually wear, so T-shirts or Hoodies, don't worry honey - no polos yet! Next is Alisha and Louis' Stag n Drag - and that's $15 for both me and Rich to go. Never heard of paying for a bachelorette/bachelor party before but whatever I guess. I don't want to miss it so I'll have to pay. The weekend after that is Nicole's graduation party...which will probably just involve a card and some cash but there's still that. Following that is Alisha and Louis' wedding, involving yet another gift! I'm going to be broke by the middle of June if not sooner. Thankfully after that is my own birthday - so money will be appreciated! Hahaha! I think that's all I've got going right now, but of course it's always subject to change and additions!

I've been trying to change my life healthwise a lot lately, especially since being in the hospital. It's so damn hard though! I've been making myself excercise in some way every day before I go to work and so far it really hasn't been that hard pulling my butt off of the couch yet. I really like the dancercise DVD I have right now (think the same one as you, Jen!). Boy, when I started I was so uncoordinated! I actually put it away for almost a year because I just didn't think I had the rhythm for it but when I pulled it out this past week, I've found that it is there after all! I've also been walking a little and went out and bought a bike that I try to ride a couple times a week. Over did the first day with 2 miles...boy were my muscles sore and my legs wobbly! Had to remember I wasn't a kid anymore who could just hop on the bike and go! So I'm working up to going a little farther every day. Of couse none of this is going to help really until I completely change my diet. That's been my toughest challenge. Just can't bring myself to totally give up that good stuff that's so bad! I'm supposed to be on a 2000 calorie diet per my doctor due to my diabetes but I'm having such a hard time following it. Starting next week though, I'm getting that diabetic handbook out and trying to set myself up the right way. Wish me luck! I'd like to lose atleast a few pounds before we go on vacation to Topsail Island, NC the end of September so I don't feel quite so whale-like on the beach!

Guess that's it for now...till next time! Oh and hope you enjoy the music and all that I've added...it was just for you wonderful visitors - if there are any!

Recapping A Few Weeks

It’s been forever since I’ve sat down and put paper to pen (so to speak) and updated life here in my blog. I’ve thought about it a lot, but just haven’t been inspired to actually put myself to the task. There’s a lot been going on too…so I suppose since I have a bit of time right now I’ll see what I can work out!

A couple of weekends ago, I got the amazing honor of singing with on of my favorite sort of local bands, Black Widow (they’re from Buffalo, NY, but do a lot of shows in PA). I cannot explain the rush of getting to sing with an actual band, on a stage, in front of a decent sized crowd for a bar. I’m not going to say that I haven’t known since I was about 13 years old that this was what I wanted to do with my life, but getting that opportunity just solidified that dream. Yes, I know it will probably always BE a dream, but at least I got a chance to live it for 5 minutes. I wasn’t like I am at karaoke, everyone always gets on me for not being a “performer” at karaoke, I’m sorry that’s not my version of my “rockstar dream”. Mine involves a real stage and a real audience, not that I don’t appreciate the people there, don’t get me wrong on that! I love all of those people who come to see me just do a karaoke tune, but it’s an entirely different vibe to be up there with the lights on you, people dancing and singing a long with you. Definitely different from the days in choir too! I think for me that a lot of the time the best part is knowing that I can totally blow someone’s first impression of me once I have a microphone in my hand. They see that quiet exterior, the typical fat girl, but when I open my mouth and let it go, I can actually see the looks of shock and see total opinions change in a minute. I love that. I’ve loved that since I started singing in high school. The nerd faded away and there before them stood a diva and I don’t mean the J.Lo kind. That’s a feeling that can always bring a smile to my face. One that no one can take away from me and one that I live for every time I sing. I have to extend a big thank you to Lana, the lead singer, for pulling me up on stage that night because I just don’t think I’d have been brave enough to ask to sing, though she had told me before that I should the next time I came out to see them, just based on my singing a line in one of the songs once.

However, the night was not all spotlight and smiles. I was very hurt by someone who I have tried to be understanding about his life since he’s gotten married and started a family. I was totally shunned by him when I walked in the door, I was so excited to see him, smiled and pointed at him and he totally turned away from me. I’d like to say that was the first time he’s broken my heart since he’s made these changes in his life, but it’s not. I didn’t hear his wife had given birth to their daughter until a day or so after and it was from my mother, not him. I have been so hurt by how he’s treated me and the rest of our friends that I’m slowly losing the patience I once had. It has nothing to do with the fact that he’s married or that he has children. I am so happy for him that he’s found all of these wonderful things in his life, but why turn your back on those who have been there every step of the way for YEARS. It breaks my heart to know that he’s not the same person at heart that he used to be. Friends used to mean a lot to him. And while I understand that we don’t come first anymore, I thought we should atleast be in the top ten. I’m so happy for him that he’s found what I know he looked for for a very long time, so happy that he’s found responsibility an easy task, and has settled into a life with his family. I honestly couldn’t be more proud as a friend of the man he’s become. But I can’t understand why that means sacrificing his friends. Until that weekend I hadn’t seen him in months and to be treated that way, I just don’t know how I’m going to come back from it. And I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. It’s a pretty resounding opinion among those who in their hearts still love them, despite how we’ve been treated. I guess we just miss him. I do wish him the best with his family, I do, I would never wish anything bad upon him, because even though I’m hurt and angry, I still love him too. I just really hope that it doesn’t take what it took before to get us all together again. None of us want to make that sacrifice again.

The next day was much more exciting! Started off my morning with an “adult” party…won the door prize game too! They are great fun, that was, I think, my fourth party, I even hosted one for my friends last summer. I’ve never been one for the “toys” but they are so funny to go to and watch the reactions of the people who have never been to one before. Later on, Britt, Rich, Dustin, Desi, Ryan, Nicole and myself all hit the road to Erie to watch Seether, Breaking Benjamin, and Three Days Grace with opening act Neverset. It was an awesome concert and I highly recommend it for anyone who likes alternative/rock music. Definitely a different vibe than a country music concert. My only real complaints were that it was WAY too hot and stuffy in the Civic Center, that too many people in this world have become rude and ignorant, and that none of the bands really seemed to be out on stage very long. Atleast not long enough for me. I was impressed enough with the opening act to get a few of their songs from iTunes and then got the whole CD from Dustin and put it on my iPod. Neverset definitely seems like an up and comer! They had a very high energy performance and were very open to interacting with the concert-goers. Nicole had her picture taken with the guitar player and I overheard people saying they were autographing stuff too. That’s what I love about newer bands. They take time for the fans. Definitely one reason why I LOVE Alter Bridge! They take the time for pictures, autographs, you name it. And seem to genuinely want to know their fans. If I ever get the chance to have fans, I know that’s how I’ll be!

After that weekend of nonstop music, Dustin and I were both inspired and started talking (texting, haha) about getting something together to showcase us both. We are of an equal passion and love of music, though we’re lovers of different genres. And I’d have to say we’re of pretty equal talent, though mine is vocal and his is guitar (though he has a pretty decent voice too!). We finally came to the conclusion that based on our work schedules the best we could work out would be an acoustic show, because that would be just the two of us and we wouldn’t have to worry about working around other schedules too. We both work second shift, so it’ll be a lot of mornings and weekends. I’ve spent the last week researching different songs that I thought would be good acoustically, both for us to sing as duets and as solos. I have to tell you, that for the first time since I’ve been involved in a project like this, I actually feel like this one might work out. I’m very excited about the prospect of making a dent in that dream! So far we’re both just working on the basics, learning some songs, him on the guitar and me lyrically. I can’t wait to update this and tell you all of our first show! I kind of joked to Dustin that if we’re good enough by then, maybe we can “open” for Black Widow on my birthday in June! I’ll keep you all posted!

As for anything else, let’s see…still working away at the dog bone factory, though things are kind of slowing down again. I always get concerned when I see that curing room empty! But we’re still plugging away at the pig ears with big orders, so hopefully that will continue to sustain us! Rich and I are doing pretty well. He puts up with a lot of crap from me. I admit it, I’m mean to him sometimes, I even tell him that I’m sorry for being mean and he tells me he doesn’t think I was…makes me think that whoever had him before must have been a RAGING bitch for him to not think I’m being one! I think to a point, it's me unconciously testing the limits of what he'll put up with, which I think is wrong and try to check myself when I realize I'm doing it. He’s such a sweetheart, he’s been working a lot but still finds a little bit of time for me and has even but in a lot of work to make sure my own car was safe. My cousins keep thinking that I don’t actually like him for a boyfriend, that I just like being a couple. But they’re wrong. It’s just that with my last boyfriend I was different, but I also had about a year to develop feelings for him before we even started seeing each other. I’ve only known Rich about 2 months (2 months April 15th) and I’m still building on my affection, attraction, and feelings for him. I’m still getting to know him. It takes time. I’m not in love yet, I’m not infatuated this time. I’m actually in the beginning still, straight out of the gate. We weren’t friends before we started dating like with my ex-boyfriend, Ben. My only disappointment in our relationship is that it feels like the honeymoon period was over too quickly. Honestly, it feels like he’s always been there, that he’s just always been around, I’m already comfortable in the relationship. I miss the excitement of it being new, though it still is, but it’s already gone. I am happy with him though. He’s sweet and so good to me and even to my family (helped my grandfather work on his truck). I just need some more time.

We had the first “fire” party of the season though it ended up a garage party. Always great to get together in a relaxed atmosphere, no reason to get all dolled up and just hang out with some GREAT friends. I’m so glad that it’s that time of year again, or rather in my opinion, those times of year again. First, I had that initial signal that the good weather was on it’s way when I heard those peepers for the first time, gotta tell you – love that sound! Means summer is just down the road! Then that other just WONDERFUL season that Pennsylvanians are so damn familiar with – road construction season! I could write a whole blog on it’s own about how road construction pisses me off. What is the necessity of closing off a whole side of a 2 lane road when you’re not doing anything on it and closing it for a week at that? That just blows my damn mind! Hate it! But it’s just the beginning I’m well aware of and will just have to grin and bear it! And leave for work earlier!

Well, I guess that’s it for now. Hell, I’ve written a novel here! Hopefully I can keep up with it a little better now!