Better Luck...This Time?

I have had a lot of confusion in my life thanks to the opposite sex. Mostly I have thrown myself blindly into any opportunity given, something that has brought me more pain and heartbreak than any real joy. Most of my naive experience has been met with being taken advantage of or being walked on, something I really bring on myself more than anything. Always one to give every bit of herself to just get some sort of appreciation in any form, some sort of acknowledgement. One who at times lost the word 'no' from her vocabulary. A lot of times I'd give more than I had just to make someone else happy.

I guess maybe that's why now, now when I've met this sweet person, that I'm having a harder time than I thought with accepting him at face value. After being kicked around for so long, you tend to grow a thick skin and start to not trust those that are just genuinely GOOD to you and he really is. He's everything (REALLY everything this time!) I've ever really looked for in someone I've wanted to date. Personality and interest wise. And right from the beginning everyone LIKED him, which didn't happen before with others I've dated. Hell, my mother was one of the people who wanted us to meet and she has NEVER liked anyone I've been interested in, well, I take that back, she liked them, just didn't want them with her daughter. He's the type of guy that I've always been attracted to, the "manly man" kind of guy. Mechanic, into the outdoorsy stuff like 4-wheeling and snowmobiling, addicted to John Deere, your typical garden variety Redneck. But he also has a very sweet and soft side that he constantly shows to me with affection, holding hands, kisses, and just holding me, sometimes a little TOO affectionate, but I'd rather have that than someone cold. He seems to like doing things for me, seems to be the genuine gentleman type. He's fixed my car, cleaned my car, always wants to pay for things, even getting me to try new things (taking me skiing this weekend!). So why am I still so leery? Why do I still find myself wondering why he's like this? Why he's so nice to me? I wonder all of the time what's in it for him? I just can't bring myself to think that maybe, just maybe there is something in me that makes someone want to be with me. I was told last night that he's never really been like he is with me, happy and affectionate, to use the exact words from a friend last night, that I put a "whoop de doo" on him. Hahaha! I wish I didn't feel so on edge about his intentions because he definitely strikes me as the type of person who is straight with you, doesn't pretend, someone genuine. I wish I hadn't made the mistakes that I've made before, then maybe I wouldn't be so suspicious of the people who make the real effort to be as they are to me. I hope that in this relationship I'm able to have all that I didn't get before, that I'm able to give that I couldn't before. That I get ALL that comes with it. I just really hope that I have found what I really have been looking for.

Luck? The Lord? What Do You Believe?

This has certainly been a weekend of ups and downs, luck on our side more than once for different reasons. Friday was a day like any other, thankfully peaceful, spent at work and then with good friends, just enjoying each other's company at our favorite watering hole. Saturday morning dawned as a pretty good day as well, got to spend some much needed time with a friend I've missed and rarely get to see, Amanda. But that day turned to a dark one when I got a phone call that my dearest aunt, my Aunt Kate, Mom's sister, had been rushed to the hospital because she had been pulled into the machine, a heavy duty drill press, she was operating at work. My problem was I had no way to get to her after I had heard (later people told me it was okay because she was out of it and it was better I didn't see her the way she was the first day, but I still wanted to be there, I know she would have been there had it been me). My boyfriend had picked me up the night before from work because he was concerned about me driving on the bad roads (sweet, though I could have made it on my own.) so my car had been left at the shop and my mom didn't wait for me to come back from spending time with Amanda and I missed her by about 15 minutes. My boyfriend was still at work and couldn't get away so I was largely stranded for the weekend. Her injuries turned out be two broken arms, a broken/cracked sternum, cracked ribs, and series of scrapes and bruises from her neck to well down the length of her body. Now, a lot of people have been saying pray and thank God for her being alive. I am thankful for her being alive because many people including the doctor said she shouldn't be there considering what had happened to her. But why should I thank God? Why can't I be angry at him for letting this happen to her in the first place? My Aunt Kate has had alot of pain in her life already, both physically and emotionally. She doesn't deserve this to happen to her too. She's had to work HARD for everything she has. It seems like nothing has ever come easily to her. Rarely does anything come easily to ANYONE in our family. So why am I thanking GOD that she's still alive? I think I thank HER for still being alive and remembering that despite all she's been through that she has SO MUCH to live for and fighting to keep herself from giving up and letting that machine take her. A family that loves her with all of their hearts, a man that realized that what he had was so special that he had to come back to it, and two little babies who love their "mama" so sweetly and innocently that they just really couldn't grow up without her there to kiss their boo boos and teach them all she's learned in life. You and everyone else can say all they want about thanking God and making their prayers to him that she's alive, but I think more than anything she should know that I thank her for not giving up. Maybe that's what helped Aunt Kate, thinking about God and giving him her prayers to keep her with us and if that's what it took then yes, I'll thank him too. But I think it was her own heart that saved her, her own heart, her own courage, and her own strength. I guess I have a hard time with giving all the credit to God. I guess I still don't understand why all the pain in the world is a GOOD thing and that it's him testing our faith? I guess that's why I've lost mine and why I thank my Aunt Kate for her being with us still. I'd rather have faith in the people I believe in and prove to me that they deserve it, like my Aunt Kate, then in an invisible being that has never given me a REAL reason to believe. If anything this event in our lives has just given me more reason to push him out of my life. Why hurt those that struggle already? Why test those that have never lived a day without being put to those tests? It's just not fair. Maybe my blaming Him gives way to me still believing more than I think I do, but I'm still angry and I still choose to believe as I do. I feel myself getting closer and closer to an atheist life every day and things like this just make me want to choose that path more. I'm angry at Him, I'm angry at people who put their faith in something that lets this bs happen. To my Aunt, to people like Jen Yatsko who lost her baby to SIDS, I still think about that all of the time and I guess I'll just never understand why people still put their hopes and whole lives into believing into something you can't actually see. I guess I'll just never understand. I did finally get to see my Aunt Kate on Sunday and she looked so worn out and I just didn't know how to react. I tried to joke with her, but that didn't seem right, I tried to make conversation, but light words just didn't seem to fit either. I love my Aunt Kate, she has been there for me so many times and has understood things that I have gone through in my life better than others because she has already been there. She's been like a big sister to me and I'll love her forever. To see her like that broke my heart and elevated my anger, though I try not to let it show. She's not going to be able to play with those babies she loves for so long and do all of the things she would usually do for herself, even the most basic things are going to be a challenge, from taking a shower to even coughing. I stopped back on Monday to see her again and she seemed much better, more alert, more awake, and she did finally come home today though I haven't seen her yet since I work 2nd shift. She's a strong woman that I know will come out of all of this with flying colors and I hope she OWNS that company by the time all of this is worked out. Love you and am ALWAYS rooting for you, Aunt Kate.

Looking For The Brighter Side

So another day dawns...yay, right? It was an OK day until I get to work and yet again this week the powers that be sit us all down for another talk about the state of affairs in the company. While they had spent most of the time Monday trying to instill some hope and calm some fears, this second meeting proved otherwise. They began with asking for people who would be willing to volunteer for a lay off (yeah, I'm not jumping on that boat!) and that they were cutting our work week back to 4 days, starting next week. Not exactly the morale boosting type of meeting one would hope for. Needless to say this left me with a sour feeling in my stomach as I headed into the lab to face the music with my department's supervisor. She, I have to say, gave me a much more positive outlook saying that I didn't have as much to worry about as others, as our department is fundamental to several aspects of the company and that the only way I'd be leaving is if she was...because if we don't have work, she doesn't have work. Plus telling me that since I was familiar with several different areas, that my being cross-trained boded well for my position. While I appreciate her efforts to make me feel better about my job, it still makes me uneasy to think that the company just might go under. For one, I really enjoy working here, I actually do. There's a laid back, easy going vibe that I have certainly come to appreciate. The freedom that I have in my position is probably the best aspect of working here, being able to do things my way, at my own pace, not everyone gets that opportunity in their positions. I enjoy working for my supervisor, she's always been supportive and understanding to anything I've ever brought to her and has always made me feel like a valuable person to her team. Plus I have the great benefit of working with some pretty entertaining people, most of them pretty decent human beings. So to be in fear of having to leave all of this behind and start all over again...it's just not something I want to do. I hate looking for a job, they are so hard to find...and proving hard to keep! I've been here a little over 2 years and have gotten comfortable in my routine and to have to start out with new co-workers, in a new job, just isn't all that appealing. Granted I never pictured myself making something like this my career, I am thankful for it. Guess we'll see what happens, what the future holds, hopefully it'll be a bit brighter than it is now...

Remember - You're Better Than That

I've thought about starting one of these online blog things for awhile now...just kept putting it off for some unbeknownst reason. Guess today is as good a day as any to begin. I sometimes post random thoughts in my MySpace blog but it's never anything consistent and usually about something that has either pissed me off or depressed me. But if it weren't for outlets such as that, I'd be a ticking timebomb just waiting to go off. There have been so many times in my life that I have been thankful for the ability to find the words that I need. Usually written because I can never seem to get my mind to move quite as quickly as I'd like, but thankful nonetheless. It's just easier to be able to sit down and actually form a whole thought, to think about what you want to say, thinking before you speak can be an invaluable asset that some lack. I know I'm grateful when the opportunity allows me really think about something before I say it because I hate when I say things that I cannot take back. I've been thinking all night about what I would post about here in my first entry. I know there are somethings that have been bothering me but do I really want to start this out on a negative foot? Not really, but...when what is on your mind is on your mind, what else can you do?

I've just recently in the last couple of weeks started seeing a really sweet guy who seems to genuinely unquestionably like me, just as I am like me. Now I know a lot of people search for a long time for someone who just likes them as they are and I am thankful to have been introduced to him, ironically on the day after my least favorite day of the year, Valentine's Day. We've spent every day since we met together atleast for some period of time, guess that's the "honeymoon" phase, right? He's met my friends, some of my family, and all have given "thumbs up", so far so good, right? Well, I should have known better. Every time I get a little bit of happiness something's just got to rain on my parade. This time it's someone who just no matter how nice you've been to her cannot find a decent thing to say about you. She is one of the most naturally miserable people I have met in my life. If she's not happy, she'll do her damnedest to make sure the rest of the world joins her in her misery. I probably have not actually seen her in nearly a year and lucky me...she ends up being one of the best friends of his sister. Now I am fortunate enough to have one of the greatest little groups of friends anyone could ask for. We are there for each other in the good, the bad, and the ugly and ready to lend a hand, a shoulder, or a beer. They are truly one of the best groups of people I have ever met in my life and I'm always thankful for their presence and influence in my life. If anyone should be so lucky to know them, they should thank their lucky stars. I know I do. Well, Tuesday I get a text from my new friend telling me that he's heard from "her" and that she had nothing good to say (which I knew was inevitable as soon as I'd heard his sister and she were friends) but instead of it being just about me, he was told that he didn't want to get "mixed up with that crowd, that they were bad news." I was flamed as soon as I heard this. It's one thing to belittle me, but you do not attack my friends and family (some friends ARE family and others might as well be). I knew this was just jealousy on her part, knowing that she used to be involved in this group, but lost her place after several occasions of showing her TRUE colors. My first reaction was to flip out and I was SO ready to track her down and tell her to grow the f**k up, but then I remembered that would be stooping to her low level and I knew I was better than that. There's no point in arguing with a child. Too bad this was a child with a child and one on the way, one would think that would make you grow up but I guess not. I talked this over a little with one of my friends who knows her tricks well and I think she may have been even more angry than me, ready to go on the defense right beside me. It's moments like that that really make me thankful for the friends that I have. Fortunately for us or should I say, fortunate for HER, she doesn't cross our paths often, and in my personal opinion, though I am trying to be the "bigger" person about this, I feel that I'd have issue keeping my mouth shut. I guess this is a case of those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, because I've got just about as much dirt on her as she THINKS she does on me and my friends. She is NO angel, not even close. Fortunately for me, my new friend knows how she is and has a mind of his own to know that she's full of bullsh*t. And likes me enough to not care what she might say. Plus I told him if there's anything he ever hears about me and wants to know the truth, to just come to me and I'll tell him. I've never seen a reason to keep the truth if I'm asked. I guess all in all, I am an adult and she's not, I'm actually on the road to some happiness and she's not. All I can say is good luck and move on, there are far better people out there to make miserable other than me and besides if it's a battle you want to win, go for it, because baby, I'll win the war.