Just Asking For A Little Peace...

Some people just have bad luck and for my family these past few weeks, well, it’s definitely been us. First, my Aunt Kate is pulled into a machine at work and seriously injured with broken arms and a broken sternum, next, my barely 2 month old nephew, Brody, is diagnosed with RSV, respiratory disease, and then finally, I got all the luck of being stuck in the hospital for 3 days on St. Patrick’s Day weekend with pancreatitis or inflammation of the pancreas, a kidney stone, really high blood sugar, a fever, and high tri-glycerides. It’s starting to seem like my family should take up permanent residence at one of the area hospitals...just in case! It almost seems like whatever’s up there really has it out for my poor family. I really hope the old wives’ tale of bad or good things coming in threes is true and this is it, because I’ve honestly had enough of hospitals, especially after my own 3 day and 3 night stay. Hospitals are not any fun, they’re very lonely when you’re in by yourself, especially at night. I really don’t see how anyone can sleep there, the only times I could was after exhaustion and I just couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore. And then when you do finally fall asleep, they come in to poke you with a needle or take your temperature or whatever they feel the need to do. For the most part, the nurses and doctors at the Titusville Hospital took pretty good care of me though, I really shouldn’t complain. I have to say though what people say about hospital food is true though...it sucks!
My only real complaint while I was in the hospital was the lack of support from my friends. I, myself, have ALWAYS been the type of person to drop it all and come running if I heard someone I cared about was in the hospital, hurt or otherwise. I have always been the type to give my support in any way that I could. If it was within my means, I’d do anything to make it happen. I guess I just shouldn’t expect blindly that everyone is like me, because obviously they’re not. It just really disappointed me to not see some faces that I really expected to be there, especially the ones that live right in the area of the Titusville Hospital or relatively close. I can’t help my hurt and disappointment and when I see the people that made me feel this way, it’s just something I have to work past. I’m not trying to be selfish, I understand people have things going on in their own lives, but it just makes me really wonder, that had it been worse, would THAT have been enough for them to make a little effort? I was there for THREE days. You can’t tell me that at some point in THREE days you couldn’t stop for five minutes? Or in some cases, even call or even send a text message? I hate to be bitter, I hate to be resentful, but it’s hard not to be. I’ve had time to think about this and it’s not sitting well and the feeling is not going away. I guess I just have to "suck it up" once more in my life and let it go, but maybe now, older and wiser, I won’t be that girl who gives it all for those who never give anything in return.

Unintentional Selfishness

Sometimes as we grow up and move through this journey called life, we all lose sight of what is important to us, sometimes we neglect special people and sometimes we take for granted their presence in our life. I am guilty of it, we all are. I wish it didn't happen but it does and we all have felt the chill of an unintentional cold shoulder.

I made the mistake of not making a greater effort to celebrate a great friend's birthday with her this past weekend and she felt hurt by it. Which she is totally justified in feeling. She didn't deserve those feelings and I am so sorry that she did feel that way. I want her to know that I didn't forget her or her special day and hope that I can make it up to her as her friendship does and always has meant a lot to me. She's been there through a lot of ups and downs, has been there for a lot of good and a lot of bad and I've been thankful for her presence in my life. I just hope she knows that I did remember her birthday and wish I could have spent some it with her. I'm sorry, Barb and love you!

Better Luck...This Time?

I have had a lot of confusion in my life thanks to the opposite sex. Mostly I have thrown myself blindly into any opportunity given, something that has brought me more pain and heartbreak than any real joy. Most of my naive experience has been met with being taken advantage of or being walked on, something I really bring on myself more than anything. Always one to give every bit of herself to just get some sort of appreciation in any form, some sort of acknowledgement. One who at times lost the word 'no' from her vocabulary. A lot of times I'd give more than I had just to make someone else happy.

I guess maybe that's why now, now when I've met this sweet person, that I'm having a harder time than I thought with accepting him at face value. After being kicked around for so long, you tend to grow a thick skin and start to not trust those that are just genuinely GOOD to you and he really is. He's everything (REALLY everything this time!) I've ever really looked for in someone I've wanted to date. Personality and interest wise. And right from the beginning everyone LIKED him, which didn't happen before with others I've dated. Hell, my mother was one of the people who wanted us to meet and she has NEVER liked anyone I've been interested in, well, I take that back, she liked them, just didn't want them with her daughter. He's the type of guy that I've always been attracted to, the "manly man" kind of guy. Mechanic, into the outdoorsy stuff like 4-wheeling and snowmobiling, addicted to John Deere, your typical garden variety Redneck. But he also has a very sweet and soft side that he constantly shows to me with affection, holding hands, kisses, and just holding me, sometimes a little TOO affectionate, but I'd rather have that than someone cold. He seems to like doing things for me, seems to be the genuine gentleman type. He's fixed my car, cleaned my car, always wants to pay for things, even getting me to try new things (taking me skiing this weekend!). So why am I still so leery? Why do I still find myself wondering why he's like this? Why he's so nice to me? I wonder all of the time what's in it for him? I just can't bring myself to think that maybe, just maybe there is something in me that makes someone want to be with me. I was told last night that he's never really been like he is with me, happy and affectionate, to use the exact words from a friend last night, that I put a "whoop de doo" on him. Hahaha! I wish I didn't feel so on edge about his intentions because he definitely strikes me as the type of person who is straight with you, doesn't pretend, someone genuine. I wish I hadn't made the mistakes that I've made before, then maybe I wouldn't be so suspicious of the people who make the real effort to be as they are to me. I hope that in this relationship I'm able to have all that I didn't get before, that I'm able to give that I couldn't before. That I get ALL that comes with it. I just really hope that I have found what I really have been looking for.

Luck? The Lord? What Do You Believe?

This has certainly been a weekend of ups and downs, luck on our side more than once for different reasons. Friday was a day like any other, thankfully peaceful, spent at work and then with good friends, just enjoying each other's company at our favorite watering hole. Saturday morning dawned as a pretty good day as well, got to spend some much needed time with a friend I've missed and rarely get to see, Amanda. But that day turned to a dark one when I got a phone call that my dearest aunt, my Aunt Kate, Mom's sister, had been rushed to the hospital because she had been pulled into the machine, a heavy duty drill press, she was operating at work. My problem was I had no way to get to her after I had heard (later people told me it was okay because she was out of it and it was better I didn't see her the way she was the first day, but I still wanted to be there, I know she would have been there had it been me). My boyfriend had picked me up the night before from work because he was concerned about me driving on the bad roads (sweet, though I could have made it on my own.) so my car had been left at the shop and my mom didn't wait for me to come back from spending time with Amanda and I missed her by about 15 minutes. My boyfriend was still at work and couldn't get away so I was largely stranded for the weekend. Her injuries turned out be two broken arms, a broken/cracked sternum, cracked ribs, and series of scrapes and bruises from her neck to well down the length of her body. Now, a lot of people have been saying pray and thank God for her being alive. I am thankful for her being alive because many people including the doctor said she shouldn't be there considering what had happened to her. But why should I thank God? Why can't I be angry at him for letting this happen to her in the first place? My Aunt Kate has had alot of pain in her life already, both physically and emotionally. She doesn't deserve this to happen to her too. She's had to work HARD for everything she has. It seems like nothing has ever come easily to her. Rarely does anything come easily to ANYONE in our family. So why am I thanking GOD that she's still alive? I think I thank HER for still being alive and remembering that despite all she's been through that she has SO MUCH to live for and fighting to keep herself from giving up and letting that machine take her. A family that loves her with all of their hearts, a man that realized that what he had was so special that he had to come back to it, and two little babies who love their "mama" so sweetly and innocently that they just really couldn't grow up without her there to kiss their boo boos and teach them all she's learned in life. You and everyone else can say all they want about thanking God and making their prayers to him that she's alive, but I think more than anything she should know that I thank her for not giving up. Maybe that's what helped Aunt Kate, thinking about God and giving him her prayers to keep her with us and if that's what it took then yes, I'll thank him too. But I think it was her own heart that saved her, her own heart, her own courage, and her own strength. I guess I have a hard time with giving all the credit to God. I guess I still don't understand why all the pain in the world is a GOOD thing and that it's him testing our faith? I guess that's why I've lost mine and why I thank my Aunt Kate for her being with us still. I'd rather have faith in the people I believe in and prove to me that they deserve it, like my Aunt Kate, then in an invisible being that has never given me a REAL reason to believe. If anything this event in our lives has just given me more reason to push him out of my life. Why hurt those that struggle already? Why test those that have never lived a day without being put to those tests? It's just not fair. Maybe my blaming Him gives way to me still believing more than I think I do, but I'm still angry and I still choose to believe as I do. I feel myself getting closer and closer to an atheist life every day and things like this just make me want to choose that path more. I'm angry at Him, I'm angry at people who put their faith in something that lets this bs happen. To my Aunt, to people like Jen Yatsko who lost her baby to SIDS, I still think about that all of the time and I guess I'll just never understand why people still put their hopes and whole lives into believing into something you can't actually see. I guess I'll just never understand. I did finally get to see my Aunt Kate on Sunday and she looked so worn out and I just didn't know how to react. I tried to joke with her, but that didn't seem right, I tried to make conversation, but light words just didn't seem to fit either. I love my Aunt Kate, she has been there for me so many times and has understood things that I have gone through in my life better than others because she has already been there. She's been like a big sister to me and I'll love her forever. To see her like that broke my heart and elevated my anger, though I try not to let it show. She's not going to be able to play with those babies she loves for so long and do all of the things she would usually do for herself, even the most basic things are going to be a challenge, from taking a shower to even coughing. I stopped back on Monday to see her again and she seemed much better, more alert, more awake, and she did finally come home today though I haven't seen her yet since I work 2nd shift. She's a strong woman that I know will come out of all of this with flying colors and I hope she OWNS that company by the time all of this is worked out. Love you and am ALWAYS rooting for you, Aunt Kate.