Off The Top Of My Head

Wow...I've been slacking again. But in retrospect, that's a good thing, right? Means I'm out living life instead of writing about it! Let's see...what's been going on?

Well, I tried to have one of "those" talks with Rich, but it definitely didn't go the way I wanted it to. I breached the subject of not knowing much about his past or more personal life and asked why he didn't talk about it. All I got was "I don't know." *Sigh* I then continued by saying that I'd like to know more about him, because after more than 2 months of seeing each other, I feel like I've opened up a lot in showing who I am and where I come from but still don't know much about him. This lead to him just putting his arm around me and again coming up with "I don't know why." I really don't think it should seem like pulling teeth to get to know someone who's supposed to care about you. I don't think it should be so hard to share who you are with someone you care about. Am I being pushy? Am I being selfish? I don't know. This isn't the only issue I have but the other seems...well, it really does seem like a superficial and selfish reason to be "upset" about. I'm not really angry about it. It's just that I am someone who makes an effort to make others feel good about themselves by telling them they look nice and while I don't REALLY need the validation, we all like to hear it sometimes. Not once since we've been dating have I heard a "you look nice tonight" or a variation of it. Not once. I feel childish even writing about it, but sometimes when your self-esteem isn't that great to begin with, you need that little something from especially your significant other, that your efforts to look good for them actually pay off. I get that he's a guy and they just don't really pay attention to stuff like that sometimes but I'm a girl that needs it every once in awhile. I can't bring something like that up because if I hear it from him after that it seems like he's just saying it because I did. Lose lose situation....oh well.

Let's see what else...OH for EVERYONE to know - don't go to Donovan and Bauer Auto Group in Titusville for anything! No service, no cars...they don't know what quality work is! Around six months ago I had a wheel bearing/hub replaced on my car. Granted these parts are crap on all Grand Ams and I've gone through so many on the 2 I have owned that its ridiculous, but six months was definitely a record! I had Rich replace both of them on the front of my car recently and he called to tell me during the process that when I had the one replaced at the dealership they failed to put in 2 of the 3 bolts that hold the wheel on the car. I asked if this was something that could have just fallen out accidentally and he said no, that that's a secure piece and that where they should have been was rusted proving that they had not been in the wheel for awhile. Huh? Interesting. I asked if this was something dangerous and he said absolutely, it only had one bolt/screw holding the whole wheel on the car and it could have easily snapped off. I was pissed! I could have been seriously hurt or even died! And what if I had had someone else in the car with me? What if I had Jaiden or Brody with me? I was so angry, I wanted to march into that service department and tell them exactly what kind of workers they had employed there but after talking to my mom she said I couldn't really complain because the service department manager had given her a lot of discounts over the years and I had to let this one go. Huh? Wonder if we'd have let it go had the wheel come off? So while I can't complain to them, I can let everyone I know what kind of operation they have going down there - shitty! Avoid Donovan and Bauer Auto Group - they don't know quality!

Had another disappointment last week...found out Black Widow will not be at Clearview on my birthday. :( I was so looking forward to that! I've seen them come and go on everyone's birthdays and couldn't wait for them to be there on mine! Especially now that Lana knows I can sing and would have most likely pulled me up there to sing again! Definitely puts a damper on my canoe and band plans! I'm going to suck it up though and have decided I want to go camping after canoeing now. And while some friends have offered their backyard...No thanks...that's not camping! I want us all in tents out in the middle of no where! It's been so long since I've really camped and am definitely up for it!

So much is going on in the next couple of months...just don't know how I'm going to afford to swing it all! This weekend is Alisha's bridal shower and I have yet to get her a gift. Next is Rich's birthday...and I have sworn NO John Deere! The boy is obsessed with it and anything I'd get he'd probably already have. I think I'm going to add some Old Navy to his wardrobe! Just stuff I think he'd actually wear, so T-shirts or Hoodies, don't worry honey - no polos yet! Next is Alisha and Louis' Stag n Drag - and that's $15 for both me and Rich to go. Never heard of paying for a bachelorette/bachelor party before but whatever I guess. I don't want to miss it so I'll have to pay. The weekend after that is Nicole's graduation party...which will probably just involve a card and some cash but there's still that. Following that is Alisha and Louis' wedding, involving yet another gift! I'm going to be broke by the middle of June if not sooner. Thankfully after that is my own birthday - so money will be appreciated! Hahaha! I think that's all I've got going right now, but of course it's always subject to change and additions!

I've been trying to change my life healthwise a lot lately, especially since being in the hospital. It's so damn hard though! I've been making myself excercise in some way every day before I go to work and so far it really hasn't been that hard pulling my butt off of the couch yet. I really like the dancercise DVD I have right now (think the same one as you, Jen!). Boy, when I started I was so uncoordinated! I actually put it away for almost a year because I just didn't think I had the rhythm for it but when I pulled it out this past week, I've found that it is there after all! I've also been walking a little and went out and bought a bike that I try to ride a couple times a week. Over did the first day with 2 miles...boy were my muscles sore and my legs wobbly! Had to remember I wasn't a kid anymore who could just hop on the bike and go! So I'm working up to going a little farther every day. Of couse none of this is going to help really until I completely change my diet. That's been my toughest challenge. Just can't bring myself to totally give up that good stuff that's so bad! I'm supposed to be on a 2000 calorie diet per my doctor due to my diabetes but I'm having such a hard time following it. Starting next week though, I'm getting that diabetic handbook out and trying to set myself up the right way. Wish me luck! I'd like to lose atleast a few pounds before we go on vacation to Topsail Island, NC the end of September so I don't feel quite so whale-like on the beach!

Guess that's it for now...till next time! Oh and hope you enjoy the music and all that I've added...it was just for you wonderful visitors - if there are any!

A Weekend In The Life...

Well, another weekend has come and gone. They never really seem to last long enough do they? I know they don't for me! My poor boyfriend, he doesn't seem to know what a weekend or even a day off is. Such is the life of the "on-call mechanic". I know I would be terrible at being "on-call" for anything. I'd probably never answer the phone (Thank goodness for caller ID!). Poor Rich got called into be at work at 9:30 on Sunday night and didn't end up leaving until around 2 AM, plus had to be back by about 8 AM. What kind of crap is that? I kind of worry our relationship might suffer for it. I would never ask him to put me before his work but I'd actually like to get to see him for more than a day! But it's only been 2 months (today officially) that we've been together, guess we'll have to wait and see where the situation takes us. I know I'm not quite ready to give up yet!

Friday night, we did the usual Clearview thing. I, of course, had to work until 11 but showed up to find Rich hanging out with my friends, April, Tyler, and Bill. I can't tell you how much that makes me happy! I really want them to be his friends too and he's so painfully shy and quiet, I really wondered how it was going to work out. Most of my friends are NOT on the quiet side, especially when they get a little alcohol in them! Rich, on the other hand, barely speaks most of the time (sober or otherwise) and I feel so bad for him because it seems like he's not having a good time. I understand that's probably just how he is, but he really does need to talk more! I notice he's slowly getting more comfortable with certain people, Steph, Dustin, April, Tyler. I think being quiet is just how he is, though. Something to get used to. I wish I knew more about him before we got together. I don't really know very much yet still. I don't even know his kids' names yet. After my last relationship, I'm afraid to push and pry about anything and that makes it hard to start asking any questions. I didn't push hardly at all in my last relationship, didn't push to meet his family or kids or push to make myself a real part of his life. And that's what probably cost me all of the time I wasted on him. If I had pushed before, I'd have learned the truth a lot sooner and saved myself a lot of insecurity afterwards. But live and learn, right? I don't think Rich would treat me like Ben did at all, but it still makes me leery to question anything. I fell for the song and dance before, I don't want to do it again, my trust has been shaken so I have taken everything a lot slower this time. I understand in Rich's case things are a lot different, because like me, he was the hurt party in the situation he was in. He was the one left for someone else, like I was. Guess we have a bit more in common. Well, we didn't last long at Clearview, April and Tyler had to start moving into their new place early the next morning and Rich planned on going fishing with Danny, the only friend of his I've met, but actually already knew long before I met Rich. It was still an interesting night with meeting our friend, Craig's, date for the night. I'm not going to name names but my mom knows her and they are the same age - 47. He's only 26. I know he likes the older women, but geez! She's got kids OLDER than him! And to be honest, she looks her age. Not all women of that age look it! He knows he's an ass though and seems to take these dates with the "cougars" as a laugh. Thinks he's "the man" for nailing older women I guess. But atleast he knows he's an ass...

The next night (Saturday) I got to spend some quality time with Rich and some friends. Which is why I LIVE for my weekends! When I first started going out, I always went to Titusville, AKA T-Vegas. That's where most of my friends hung out and it just made sense for me to go there. Needless to say, I made new friends there and gained some fans along the way as far as my singing goes. Unfortunately with my working in Warren now, I never get the opportunity to really go to T-Vegas and with a few of my friends hating to go out there due to the heavy surveillance by the police as far as the bars go. But anyway, because April and Tyler (those who dislike it most) were moving this weekend, I decided that we should head out to T-Vegas for the night and see some old friends. Steph, Dustin, Barb, and Bill came a long too and it turned out to be a really nice night with some people I've missed...and some who have apparently missed me too! Dustin and I busted out some karaoke and wowed the crowd like we always do, getting lots of well-appreciated compliments. I have to say that I've definitely missed the crowd at the old (yet new) Diamond Lunch! One disappointment though, was finding out that Erie Idol auditions had been the night before and I had missed them...such is my luck! I think I really would have auditioned this year too! I guess there's always next year...I found out the people that won a chance to the next round were some of my old karaoke contest circuit partners...Becky and Jay. Many times we traded winning positions in different contests, so I wish them goodluck and you're lucky I wasn't there! Hahahaha! People were a bit surprised to learn that I've changed a few of my songs and have added a few rock tunes that always seem to impress. Probably never would have even tried them if it weren't for "Cassies" in Warren. That bar is all about hard rock karaoke and I have never seen anything like it. Figured I had to learn something as close to hard rock as I could if I planned on coming back! Though I have to admit that they've come to accept the fact that I'm gonna bust out a country song every once in awhile and I think I paved the way for others to be brave enough to do it too! Guess I've paid my "rock dues"!

Sunday night was my uncle's fiancee's birthday. *Sigh* I'm almost hesitant to say what I really think of their situation here. In fear that maybe it might come back to bite me in the ass if I actually put it out there. Obviously by saying that, I'm not in agreement with his choice for a life partner. She's just not really what I ever pictured him settling down with. I don't see where they really have anything in common. I understand that opposites can sometimes attract but I still can't wrap my mind around him spending the rest of his life with her. Unfortunately my uncle is one of those people you can't tell stuff like this to. Actually my WHOLE family is filled with those people! Myself included! We just don't like to hear it. We are all worrying that he might just be settling because he doesn't want to be alone. I love my uncle a lot. He and I have a pretty good relationship. We even make a point of having lunch together every weekend and catch up. He really is a great guy and deserves someone who gets him and has a real connection with him. Not just settle for someone who has "put in the time". They've never even lived together and she's pushing for them to get married by September. Are they going to live in separate houses? She lives in town, he lives in the country and I just don't see either one moving into the other's home. I just don't see where this would ever work out. She's very high maintenance and he's the polar opposite. Of course, he can probably see more in her than we can, but what we see, most of us don't like. And don't even get me started on her kids! Well, just one of them anyway. Let's just say I hope he grows out of it. I really do just wish the best for my uncle. He deserves someone who makes him truly happy and the more I see this wedding pushed on him, the less happy he seems. Guess we'll have to wait an dsee what happens on September 13th, whether he makes it to the altar or not. I've been asked (by her) to sing at the wedding...I told her it'd cost her. Hahaha...

Work has been okay, for the most part. A few more heads have rolled since they started the drug test head-hunting. A lot of speculation has been thrown around about who the suspected "narc" is...and we'll probably never know the truth. I know it's not me, so that's all that matters. I'd hate to be the person who is if it ever comes out! I've never really had to worry about any drug tests myself, I'm a clean girl! I'm not going to play innocent and say I've never tried it, but it was never for me and nothing I felt the need to bring into my life. All I know is that those who partake around here had better drop it for a little while otherwise they might be joining those already in the unemployment line! I've never really understood the addiction to anything...other than food and asshole men, obviously! I've never been one to be a heavy drinker. I've had a few bouts with smoking, but it was just as easy to not pick one up as it is to pick one up. I could smoke for a month and then put it down with no need to pick one up for a year. Guess I've just been fortunate to not have one of those addictive personalites! But to each their own, as I always say! They've started to crack down on attendance here as well. Not that I have a lot of reason to worry about that either! They're implementing a "point system" now and it has a few people up in arms about it. Every time you call off, regardless of the situation, you get a point. If you leave early, you get half a point, despite the fact it was your decision to leave or if the supervisor told you to leave. If you get 3 points, you get a verbal warning. If you get 4 points, you get a written warning. After 5 points, you're done, terminated. Now this isn't a terrible system if you already have good or relatively good attendance and it's our own faults (well those employees that took advantage of the old system) that we're being put to this system. Though it's not completely fair to those of us who have followed the rules. Also if you need a day off and you have no vacation time life, you are not immediately excused for the day, but are put in "pending" status. If someone else needs that day off or we're busy, you're expected to work. This does NOT bode well with me. After I was in the hospital, I lost all but one day of my vactaion time and now I need a day off in August and I made a point to put in my request WAY in advance (yesterday). I'm going to see Daughtry in concert in Meadville and have already bought the nearly $100 tickets. But even though I was considerate enough to let them know months in advance, I'm being put in "pending" status. This wasn't my boss' decision, she was ready to give it to me, but the powers that be told her otherwise. This is partially because I'm taking a week's vacation in September (my first REAL vacation in years! A week on Topsail Island, NC! Can't wait!) and she's already told me I have that time off regardless of whether or not I have any time left. I am not missing this concert. The tickets were too much for me to miss it and it's only one damn night. I'm willing to take the night not paid. And hell, if it comes down to it I'll just call off and take a damn point. And I don't call off unless I am totally incapacitated with a migraine usually. Give me two if you want. I am NOT missing this concert!

That's the other interesting thing that's happened...I ended up with 4 tickets to the Daughtry concert...oops! I had Steph and Dustin order me two tickets this morning when they got theirs so we could sit together, then called to tell Mom I'd already got them, but she'd already ordered me 2 for my birthday. Fortunately a few of my friends are Daughtry fans (how could you not be!), so I sent out a text to them all and within a minute I had them sold to my friend Barb. So thanks Barb! I won't be sitting with all of them but I've got center seats a little bit farther back, but dead center in the track at the Crawford County Fair. Can't wait to see that sexy bald-headed rockstar! He definitely has a few songs that get me!

Well, guess that's all for today...who knows, maybe I'll feel froggy enough to bust out bit more later...

FYI for Readers

Just wanted to let my readers - if there are any! - know that the blogs preceding the "Recapping" blog are all older blogs from my MySpace writings. I picked a few of what I considered the best to post on here too and just wanted to explain for the lapse of time and ages being off (a few of them say I'm 26 and I'm 27 now...) and for the "Men" one, I have met a great guy and am in a GOOD relationship, hahaha! Just wanted to avoid any confusion! Enjoy!


~The Author~
jess

Men I Have Encountered

I'm starting to realize something now at 26 that I should have realized long ago. I, Jessica Rose Confer, am a dirtbag magnet. And if it's not a dirtbag, it's something extremely close -- the guy old enough to be my dad, the already involved with someone guy, or the married guy. I just don't understand it.
In regards to this first type, there have been times when I have honestly said, "I wish I was a dirtbag." Because, really if you think about it, they have no real standards. The majority will just look for something of the opposite sex, preferably of the same species, though sometimes I think that's just a bonus option. And I don't get why they flock to me -- maybe I'm just too nice, too friendly and they take that as interest, but let me tell you guys -- you're getting the wrong impression! Friendship is one thing -- considering a relationship entirely another! I hate to say this about myself but I'll admit I've probably set my standards a little too high for someone like me. I know I'm no prize and I would like to say that I've never thought that I am "better" than someone else but I can't lie. And you can't tell me that 99.9 % of the people in the world haven't felt that way atleast once in their lives, so unless you're Mother Theresa, don't judge me! I know there are MANY people who have looked down their noses at me in superiority, but even though I pushed myself for their approval in the past -- I'm over it. I kinda like me now. And that's what probably makes me a little picky, but I'm sorry, I can't be attracted to someone who has a rat-tail or mullet, or doesn't know enough to pull up his pants so three-quarters of his asscrack isn't hanging out. I'm sorry but the only moon I'm going to gaze at romantically is the one hanging in the night sky! And I don't think I come across or even look like the kind of girl who would be interested in men like that. In the last few years, I've finally found my niche in style, or would like to think I have. I've conquered thinking that just because I was a bigger girl that I had to hide myself in big, baggy boys clothes and have really embraced the femininity I lacked. And I've finally allowed my greatest "assets" to breathe -- you all know the "girls" like to see the sun too! Finally, I feel like a woman and am enjoying it thoroughly. That's why I don't understand why these men approach me, as snotty as it sounds, and I know it does, we are not on the same level -- mentally or otherwise. I look for someone I can have a real conversation with, someone to snuggle with in the morning and do the crossword together in bed. Does that guy exist?
The next example is too old for me guy -- ok, I like an older guy as much as the next girl, but if you're old enough to have dated my mother and still have been the "older guy" to her -- move on. Yeah, maybe I didn't have the greatest relationship with my dad, hell, I don't think I'd even constitute the acquaintance of father and daughter that we have as a relationship, but despite that, I don't have a "daddy complex." I don't feel the need to replace him, and besides he was replaced at birth by my grandfather, who I now use as the example of the man I hope to find someday. That being said, I don't want to be someone's status symbol (tells all his friends he nailed a chick half his age) nor do I want to be a midlife crisis, buy a sports car, color your hair, grow a mustache, don't bother me! Maybe you think I might be interested because by your being older that makes you wiser, more sophisticated and worldly but honestly it only makes you one thing -- OLDER.
Next on the list is the already-involved guy. These and the married ones are very similar but have significant differences. One being that band of some precious metal and the little piece of paper legally stating you belong to someone else. The already involved guy is usually one who is confused as to whether or not the one he's with is actually "the one", or he's looking to build up his ego by how many girls he can bed before the girlfriend finds out and he has to pull himself out of shit creek because he's drowning in his own BS. I think these guys look for girls like me because they see the vulnerability and low self confidence and prey on it. I'll admit I've succumbed to both of these types of already involveds. I think the first type really affected me because despite the circumstances, he made me feel special, that maybe it wasn't just some physical attraction between us. That one still haunts me and probably always will, the what could have been, the what shouldn't have been, and the way I wish it had really gone. The second one I regret because I know I was just a knotch in his bedpost and while I've moved on from it, I wish there wasn't something to move on from. But we all have those skeletons that we wish would bury themselves under that pile of New Kids on the Block T-shirts and high top sneakers in the back of our closets.
Finally, there's the married guy. These ones are complicated. One reason being that "you can't touch" factor that drives us crazy! One never wants something more than when they're told they can't have it. It's that old "keep your hands out of the cookie jar" problem all over again. And the fact that they've embraced the "commitment" side of life just makes them more desireable. I've sworn to myself that if they have a ring on their finger that I wouldn't even put them into contention for my interest -- but unfortunately the rings don't stop THEM! When someone that I can be attracted to flirts with me -- I'm sorry, I react and, damn it, flirt right back. And as a married man there are just some things you don't say, don't even elude to! They drop the line "I wish we could be more than friends", after they already have you hooked with sweet words. So while they dangle what they have in front of you, all it was to them was teasing. Maybe giving them an ego boost, reassuring them that they still have "it". Well, your wife can keep "it." You gave up all rights to other women the moment you said "I do". Maybe that's why they find it so easy -- they know that even if they get shot down there's always someone at home. So save me the trouble of getting hurt, by you or your wife -- stay home! I admit I fell for one of these pretty hard and it was equally hard when I was dropped 3 months later. Live and learn, grow and be wiser, that's all I can say. Life goes on I hope his wife can really put what he's done behind her. If she can she is a far more forgiving person than I could EVER be. There are no 3 strikes and you're out. No foul balls. All it takes is once and I want you out of my life for good. If I'm not worth following the simple rule of being faithful, then you're not worth my time. Keep it in your pants or keep on moving.
That all being said, maybe I should explain what I am looking for. I'm looking for a guy who takes pride in his appearance and works hard with minimal complaint. One who can hold a decent conversation with just about anyone - especially me, but also knows when words are just too much. One who respects who I am and loves me for it. One who has understanding for my mistakes -- past, present, and future. One who loves what I love, understands what I believe in. One who doesn't feel the need to pretend anything with me or expects any more than what I have to give. One who loves my family, because through thick and thin, rain or shine, they're part of every aspect of my life and always will be. One who likes my friends and can get what it means to be "Shanty for Life." One who likes to read, maybe likes to write, and enjoys learning something new, from each other or from the world. One not afraid of change and not afraid to stay the same either. One who's touch can set me on fire, whose lips give me life and heart wants no other. One who loves music, especially country, and who isn't afraid to sing to me, whether he can carry a tune or not! I know I'm asking a lot here -- an intellectual, romantic, loving, honest, devoted redneck with a little style sense. Is that really a lot to ask for? Apparently so, as I'm still alone. But he's out there, just waiting for me to cross his path. Well, he can find me in Grand Valley, PA...I'll be waiting.

What It Once Was...

I don't know why I feel like writing this tonight, well, this morning, but I do. After last night, it's really made me think about all that's gone before, what is yet to be and the way I wish things could go. I'm talking about the friendships I used to have with some of the most amazing people to ever walk upon this earth. You might know them as Louis, Jed, Tim, Phill, Bob, Apollo and a few more, but I know them as my second family, my Shanty family. There have been others who have joined us and stayed, some who have joined us and left. But now it feels as if we're all leaving. I'm not trying to say we shouldn't grow up, but I am saying don't forget where you came from. We all used to spend just about every day together, and if not every day...atleast every weekend. Now it's seems like it's impossible to get us all in one place at once. I know we all have obligations to ourselves, our jobs, the new families we seem to be building, but don't forget the family that was always there for you before. I hope that I have not made myself unaccessible to these people because that is something I would never do. I guess I'm just having a hard time letting go of the best times I have ever known. I never really felt like I belonged anywhere in high school, I was always the third wheel to two best friends but when I started hanging around these people I felt like I finally found somewhere that I could feel at home. Somewhere that I didn't have to be anything more than who I was, accepted for every little idiosyncracy, every little stupid move, every little imperfection. And now as we all move our own ways I'm feeling like I'm back in high school again, trying to find a place I really belong. After this weekend, it really made me realize how much I miss those days. I got to spend one night with a lot of these people I haven't seen in way too long. And I swear I didn't want the night to end, just being in the same place at once made my heart happier than it has been in awhile. Didn't want to see everyone go back to their own homes, knowing that the days of crashing together at someone's house and waking up to talk about the previous night's events were over and done. I sit here and I can't help but get teary-eyed and emotional just remembering those late nights at the Shanty (old and new) at the Palace, and up at Bob's where we would stay up listening to music, bullshitting, sitting by a fire, enjoying a few drinks and the pleasure of each other's company. Knowing that you didn't have to call and see what everyone was doing because you already knew and already knew that your presence was one that was expected, hell, required. But those days are gone now, never to be resurrected. Because we're growing up. We're finding those that we may or may not call "the one". We're starting families, making futures, committing to adulthood. I'll admit it, though I might be one of the oldest of us all, that I am not ready for that yet. I am not ready to let all of this go, I didn't have the "fun" high school experience that most of them had. I didn't start partying till I met them. I'm still going through my "rebellious" stage, though being legally able to drink doesn't make it nearly as exciting to me as it had to be for them. I'm not ready to let go. But I know there's nothing I can do about it. I can't stop the inevitable, can't stop the moon from rising, stop the tide from flowing and all of those other poetic ways of saying what will be will be no matter what. I feel like I've lost so much this past year. Lost best friends. Lost people that I held so close to my heart that there is nothing in this world I wouldn't do or attempt to do to make them happy, nothing I wouldn't do or give up to make sure there was a smile on their face instead of tears or a frown. Those of you who read this, I don't want you to think I'm taking away from anything that you want, have accomplished, or have found, because I wouldn't, because that means that I would want you to be unhappy and that's the last thing I would ever want. You all deserve everything your heart desires and if there's any way I can help you find that, don't ever hesitate to ask. I'm just scared that this is something that will eventually progress to us occasionally seeing each other in passing and not stopping to talk or give each other a hug, but to just nod or wave and keep on going. And that's not what family does. Atleast not anyone I have ever considered TRUE family in my heart. And each of you are. If I could ever find the words to truly express to each of you what you have done to me I would write it across the sky so the world would know and realize that Jessica Rose Confer is one of the luckiest girls in the world. Because I am. I am thankful for that day that I took the old Grand Am to show Heather when I bought it and then she took me to town and I met Phill Bob Tony and then Jethro...and they took me back to a place 3 miles from my house where I reacquainted myself with old friends who welcomed me unconditionally, though the fact that I was 21 didn't hurt my standings! So no matter what you say about that old car - it was the best car I ever owned! So here's to the days that used to be - the days of hanging out at Monro for hours on end, sitting in the old parking lot bullshitting about everything and watching the world go by, sitting in the Old Shanty watching the Fast and the Furious (Slow and the Irritating) and Gone in 60 Seconds over and over again, sitting on the hoods of cars in the driveway of the new Shanty as we checked out the racers that went past, the nights of partying in a house that was way too good for us (LOL) and seeing the drama unfold too many times, sitting around the fire under the tree at Bob's listening to people argue about what music to play and the nights of hanging out at the View and the lovely Diamond Lunch. Memories I will never forget, people I will never forget. I miss you all so much. Miss your friendship, your smiles, the way we could spend time together talking about nothing, the times where we didn't talk but always felt satisfied by just being around each other. I miss you all so much. And while I know things will never be the same...I hope we all remember what used to be, I know I will always remember it with a smile and a tear. And if you stop someday and think about one of your Shanty family and just can't help but smile or laugh, then I guess it was all worth it. I love you all - always. Shanty For Life.
***********************************************************
Moving On
I HATE THE TIMES I'VE SAID REMEMBER WHEN
HOW I'D GIVE ANYTHING TO GO BACK TO THEN
THE DAYS WHEN WE WERE YOUNG AND CAREFREE
WHEN THINGS THAT DO NOW DIDN'T MEAN THAT MUCH TO ME
HOW LIVES HAVE CHANGED IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE
EVERYONE'S IT SEEMS, EXCEPT FOR MINE
CAN'T FORCE MYSELF OUT OF THE PAST
GUESS THAT'S WHY I'LL ALWAYS FINISH
LAST CHORUS: CUZ I CAN'T LET GO OF WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN
COULDN'T BE THE SAINT FOR ALL OF THE SIN
DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE WHAT I'VE KNOWN
THE ONE THAT TRIED BUT COULDN'T LET GO
FOUGHT TO KEEP US TOGETHER FOR EACH OTHER'S SAKE
ALWAYS TOO LITTLE, A DAY TOO LATE

I THOUGHT THIS WAS SOMETHING WE'D HAVE FOREVER
A TIE THAT TIME COULD NOT SEVER
BUT EACH HAS FOLLOWED A DIFFERENT PATH
SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THESE DAYS COULDN'T LAST
CHORUS:

NOW I'VE GROWN INTO ANOTHER VERSION OF ME
NOT THE PERSON I EXPECTED TO BE MAYBE WEAKER, MAYBE STRONGER
BUT THE SHADOW IN THE CORNER I'LL BE NO LONGER

2ND VERSION OF CHORUS: AND I'LL GIVE UP ON WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN
I'LL NEVER BE THE SAINT, CAN'T FORSAKE THE SIN
CAN'T KEEP TOGETHER WHAT ALWAYS FALLS APART
TIME TO FIND A PLACE, TIME TO FIND A NEW START

Daddy That Never Was

I'm 26 years old and I'm still hurt by the fact that my dad doesn't really love me. Maybe that's silly, maybe it's not. I don't know. I guess I should just know and be comforted by the fact that so many people do love me, care for me, etc. But my dad doesn't. The man partially responsible for my existence doesn't really care if I live or breathe. Some days I wish I didn't know who he was, wish my mom hadn't made him be a part of my life, made him admit I was his. She hates him for how he's treated me, how he treated her, but still she defends him to me when I get hurt or angry. Says "he's your dad and you should love him." But I can't anymore. I see him occasionally, at family functions, he says he love me but how can a man who denies a child who looks so much like him? I have never been able to decide whether I'm the lucky illegitimate child or not. See I'm the third in a 3 year succession of illegitimate children my father produced. My oldest sister knows who he is, has on occasion seen him, coincidentally our mothers are friends. My older brother, may have seen him once or twice and we mistakenly realized we were related one day during a conversation in study hall when I was about 14 or 15. That's not all either, he actually did the manly thing and married the mother of my next two younger sisters, born 6 years and almost 10 years after me. Finally history repeated itself with the birth of my little brother now almost kindergarten aged, also out of wedlock, but atleast he lives with this one's mother. Maybe it's selfish of me to have wanted something more from him. Selfish of me to want him to see me graduate from high school. But I should understand that he had to see his girlfriend's son graduate from sixth grade. Selfish of me to want to share with him the one thing in my life that makes me truly special, singing, inviting him to choir concerts when I had a solo, which was just about every year since the 8th grade, was too much to ask, but I should understand when he could make it to his girlfriend's son's choir concerts when he didn't do much more than take up space in the back row. Maybe those things were years ago, but they still hurt. Still cut right to the heart of me. All I have ever wanted was for him to be proud of me and to tell that to me. For the words "I Love You' that came from him to actually mean something. But they just don't. I can't even bring myself to tell him I love him anymore. Because how can I love a complete stranger? And how can I expect a complete stranger to love me? I can't and I don't. I've always told myself that my grandfather was my real father, grandma even calls him "my dad" most of the time and in all real respects he was my dad and I know he thinks of me as his. But he isn't my dad. He's my mom's dad. As much as I'd love it if he really were, he's not. He'll still be the man to walk me down the aisle, should that day ever come. And if not him, it will be someone else, but not my dad. Never him. He will be lucky if he's invited to the wedding. And if invited I'd be surprised if he attended as I'm sure his girlfriend or her son would have something more important for him to do or attend. I've always been an overly forgiving person. Always the one to let things roll off my shoulder, to laugh when someone was putting me down and the one to still want to bend over backwards for that person in hopes what they said would change and they'd want to be my friend. But I don't think I can do that with him. I don't think I can just let it go to to my father, the man who's supposed to be a little girl's hero, the one to chase the monsters from under her bed away. I guess all I've ever wanted was to count to him. But I guess I just ended up another statistic in his long line of forgotten children.
*********************************************

"Emotionless" by Good Charlotte

Hey dad

I'm writing to you

Not to tell you that I still hate you

Just to ask you how you feel

And how we fell apart

How this fell apart?

Are you happy in this great big world?

Do you think about your sons?

Do you miss your little girl?

When you lay your head down how do you sleep at night?

Do you even wonder if we're alright?

But we're alright. We're alright.

Chorus:

It's been a long hard road without you by my side

Why weren't you there all the nights that we cried?

You broke my mother's heart, you broke your children for life

It's not okay, but we're alright

I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes

But those are just long lost memories of mine

I spent so many years learning how to survive

But I'm writing just to let you know I'm still alive

The days we spent so cold, so hungry

Were full of hate, I was so angry

Those scars run deep inside this tattooed body

There's things I'll take to my grave

But I'm okay. I'm okay.

*Chorus*

And sometimes I forgive

Yeah this time I'll admit

That I miss you, said I miss you

*Chorus*

And sometimes I forgive

And this time I'll admit that I miss you, miss you

Hey dad...

Honor Beyond Words

I have been fortunate enough in my life to have been honored for many things. I've been honored for my singing, I've been honored for writing, for horse-back riding, for being a good 4-Her. I've probably had more than my share of award-winning. I've always been appreciative of these honors and I always will be. But there is one honor that is above and beyond any that I have ever received.
Over a year ago, I was asked by the mother of a friend that we lost to write the epitaph for his headstone. I can barely describe how it felt to be asked something of this magnitude. I was nearly brought to tears and was overwhelmed by what his parents asked of me. To epitomize how a friend, a son, a brother mattered to those closest to him was a challenge I was not sure I would be able to meet. I made my attempt and enclosed the short poem with the annual one I write to commemorate the anniversary of his and his cousin's death, with a note saying that I tried my best but if it wasn't good enough, wasn't what they wanted, or if they wanted to change it in any way, that it was okay. That I would understand. I never got a response from them officially as to whether or not they'd used that or maybe an excerpt from something else I'd written, except for the one occasion I encountered his father at Clearview and he stopped me to tell me thank you for all the things I had written, that I had found the words that he himself had always wanted to say. He also told me that Leigh's memorial would be one every one would notice, that "they were going to know who was up there". Not that we could ever forget, but I understood what he meant.
Nearly a year ago, my cousin and myself went up to see the new stone, finally put into it's place after so many years, though we understood why, as his father had told me to get what he wanted it took a lot of money to be saved and a long time to be created. It really is beautiful, tall, with his picture, his name, and an engraving of his car on it. But what made me nearly tear up again was seeing the words that I had created to remember him by, there carved into his stone. It had been one thing to write them, to see them on paper, but to see them there, telling the world how we all loved him, I can't truly describe how I felt. Yes, honored and proud, but also humbled. It was honestly one of those life-altering moments we all think about. It was the best way I could have ever been allowed to commemorate his remembrance, I was so glad that I could find the words that myself as a friend and his parents needed to describe his effect on our lives.
Both of the young men there on that hill are a part of my heart and my life every day. Rarely a day goes by that I don't atleast think of them once. They were special people to all that were fortunate to have met them. Two unique and life-loving individuals that will be missed forever. I know his father wanted to be sure that everyone knew who was up there, but to those that kept them close to heart as friends or family, there's not a chance that they could ever be forgotten, no headstone, big or small, will ever change that. We love you now as we loved you then, David and Leigh.

*Leigh's Epitaph*


IN LOVING MEMORY OF THE ONE WHO WENT BEFORE
WHO TOOK A STEP AWAY AND WALKED THROUGH HEAVEN'S DOOR
FROM A BOY TO A MAN , WE WATCHED YOU GROW
NOT KNOWING WHERE YOUR PATH WOULD GO
NOW TO HEAVEN, OUR SON, OUR FRIEND
BUT THIS IS NOT WHERE IT FINDS ITS END
IN OUR HEARTS YOU LIVE EVERY DAY
AND HOPE YOU HEAR THE WORDS WE PRAY
CHERISHED ALWAYS IN YOUR PLACE OF PEACE
OUR LOVE FOR YOU WILL NEVER CEASE

Class of 1998 - 10 Years Later

It's finally become THAT time in one's life when you have to revisit a past that some prefer to forget, some embrace eagerly, and others look at with indifference. I'm talking about High School Reunion time. For me this is bittersweet at best. YHS was a time of definite blind naivete for me. Where I know now that I was a complete mess while I was there, I had several different ideals that I held to myself, places that in my deluded, innocent mind thought I fit in, but never really did. I know I was a nerd, that I have no doubt in, but I wasn't a straight A nerd…don't get me wrong, had I actually applied myself I probably could have been, but I had a serious case of "I don't want to do homework", we all had it one point or another, but I think I developed it in about the 4th grade and never lost it. But in the definition of all other symptoms of being a geek or nerd, I was one. I was a club-joining one at that…audio-visual club (AKA The WYHS Eagle's Eye Television Station – specifically the "remote" reporter and occasional on-air announcement reader), 4-H (which I was in pretty much my WHOLE life thanks to my family and it's something I'm definitely proud of, a lot of what I did in that program never would have happened without it.), helped as a statistician for track, was in the school play, was a writer for "The Broadwalk" school newspaper, a member of "The Aquila" school yearbook staff, and most importantly I was a singer in the Choir. Without choir, I would have spent my high school in complete obscurity and I never would have found the passion of my life. Thanks to someone seeing I could carry a tune when I was about 13 or 14, I made a name for myself at YHS. You might not know me or even my name, but you knew my face and you definitely knew my voice. But while I found something that made me special, I found more that worked hard to beat me down. A lot of people who to my face would act kind but as soon as I turned my back, the knife was dug deep. Mostly this was because not only was a nerd…I was a fat nerd. I really tried hard back then to try and fit in, to try to wear the right clothes, to do the right thing even when it seemed the right thing was the very wrong thing, but as so many other teenagers find, there is just only so much you can do, only so far you can go. And in my mind I thought I was doing it. But looking back now, I know I was sadly mistaken. And like so many others, I really wish I did know then what I do now. I wish I hadn't tried so hard to catch the attention and respect of people who weren't worth mine. I'd like to say that I 'd like to tell them now how they affected me and who I was then but like they weren't really worth the effort then, they're even less worth it now. I honestly should probably thank them. If they had shown me just a little consideration, I might not have turned out the way I have now. So thanks for laughing at me behind my back, for the snide comments under your breath, you think I didn't hear them, but I did, mostly I felt them. It's taken many years, a lot of growing up, and the fortunate luck of finding real friends to bring me to here. And part of that journey has been in looking back at who I was and who I didn't want to be, a journey that has brought me to who I am today, someone that I am for the most part proud of. A woman with a backbone, a more centered focus in what I want and a definite awareness of what I'll tolerate. I may not be the nerd anymore, but she's still there, a reminder of how far I've come with the help of lessons and support from those who really care about me. I really am luckier than I thought I would be. I may not be the millionaire, I may not be the superstar, I may just be that person who works at the dog bone factory, but atleast I've always been me. And I know when that night finally rolls around to the Class of '98 10 Year High School Reunion, I'll still be me and instead of looking down like I did so many times before, I'll be walking in with my head held high and a smile on my face because where I may have been confused as to who I was and where I fit in before, I know who I am now and I don't need to fit in…approval is no longer needed.

Fortunately, I've been talking to another girl I graduated with and she and I are of an equal mind on this. Neither one of us want to attend a reunion set up by people who treated us like lesser beings all through school. For me those were the people I was striving to impress, but so miserably and in the end luckily, failed. Not only did she suggest having our own reunion of sorts, but the invitation would be extended to ALL students we were friendly with and not limited to those we graduated with, because we had in common the fact that we had several underclassmen as friends. I think this is a GREAT idea and definitely want to be involved with it. So here's to the "anti" reunion!

Recapping A Few Weeks

It’s been forever since I’ve sat down and put paper to pen (so to speak) and updated life here in my blog. I’ve thought about it a lot, but just haven’t been inspired to actually put myself to the task. There’s a lot been going on too…so I suppose since I have a bit of time right now I’ll see what I can work out!

A couple of weekends ago, I got the amazing honor of singing with on of my favorite sort of local bands, Black Widow (they’re from Buffalo, NY, but do a lot of shows in PA). I cannot explain the rush of getting to sing with an actual band, on a stage, in front of a decent sized crowd for a bar. I’m not going to say that I haven’t known since I was about 13 years old that this was what I wanted to do with my life, but getting that opportunity just solidified that dream. Yes, I know it will probably always BE a dream, but at least I got a chance to live it for 5 minutes. I wasn’t like I am at karaoke, everyone always gets on me for not being a “performer” at karaoke, I’m sorry that’s not my version of my “rockstar dream”. Mine involves a real stage and a real audience, not that I don’t appreciate the people there, don’t get me wrong on that! I love all of those people who come to see me just do a karaoke tune, but it’s an entirely different vibe to be up there with the lights on you, people dancing and singing a long with you. Definitely different from the days in choir too! I think for me that a lot of the time the best part is knowing that I can totally blow someone’s first impression of me once I have a microphone in my hand. They see that quiet exterior, the typical fat girl, but when I open my mouth and let it go, I can actually see the looks of shock and see total opinions change in a minute. I love that. I’ve loved that since I started singing in high school. The nerd faded away and there before them stood a diva and I don’t mean the J.Lo kind. That’s a feeling that can always bring a smile to my face. One that no one can take away from me and one that I live for every time I sing. I have to extend a big thank you to Lana, the lead singer, for pulling me up on stage that night because I just don’t think I’d have been brave enough to ask to sing, though she had told me before that I should the next time I came out to see them, just based on my singing a line in one of the songs once.

However, the night was not all spotlight and smiles. I was very hurt by someone who I have tried to be understanding about his life since he’s gotten married and started a family. I was totally shunned by him when I walked in the door, I was so excited to see him, smiled and pointed at him and he totally turned away from me. I’d like to say that was the first time he’s broken my heart since he’s made these changes in his life, but it’s not. I didn’t hear his wife had given birth to their daughter until a day or so after and it was from my mother, not him. I have been so hurt by how he’s treated me and the rest of our friends that I’m slowly losing the patience I once had. It has nothing to do with the fact that he’s married or that he has children. I am so happy for him that he’s found all of these wonderful things in his life, but why turn your back on those who have been there every step of the way for YEARS. It breaks my heart to know that he’s not the same person at heart that he used to be. Friends used to mean a lot to him. And while I understand that we don’t come first anymore, I thought we should atleast be in the top ten. I’m so happy for him that he’s found what I know he looked for for a very long time, so happy that he’s found responsibility an easy task, and has settled into a life with his family. I honestly couldn’t be more proud as a friend of the man he’s become. But I can’t understand why that means sacrificing his friends. Until that weekend I hadn’t seen him in months and to be treated that way, I just don’t know how I’m going to come back from it. And I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. It’s a pretty resounding opinion among those who in their hearts still love them, despite how we’ve been treated. I guess we just miss him. I do wish him the best with his family, I do, I would never wish anything bad upon him, because even though I’m hurt and angry, I still love him too. I just really hope that it doesn’t take what it took before to get us all together again. None of us want to make that sacrifice again.

The next day was much more exciting! Started off my morning with an “adult” party…won the door prize game too! They are great fun, that was, I think, my fourth party, I even hosted one for my friends last summer. I’ve never been one for the “toys” but they are so funny to go to and watch the reactions of the people who have never been to one before. Later on, Britt, Rich, Dustin, Desi, Ryan, Nicole and myself all hit the road to Erie to watch Seether, Breaking Benjamin, and Three Days Grace with opening act Neverset. It was an awesome concert and I highly recommend it for anyone who likes alternative/rock music. Definitely a different vibe than a country music concert. My only real complaints were that it was WAY too hot and stuffy in the Civic Center, that too many people in this world have become rude and ignorant, and that none of the bands really seemed to be out on stage very long. Atleast not long enough for me. I was impressed enough with the opening act to get a few of their songs from iTunes and then got the whole CD from Dustin and put it on my iPod. Neverset definitely seems like an up and comer! They had a very high energy performance and were very open to interacting with the concert-goers. Nicole had her picture taken with the guitar player and I overheard people saying they were autographing stuff too. That’s what I love about newer bands. They take time for the fans. Definitely one reason why I LOVE Alter Bridge! They take the time for pictures, autographs, you name it. And seem to genuinely want to know their fans. If I ever get the chance to have fans, I know that’s how I’ll be!

After that weekend of nonstop music, Dustin and I were both inspired and started talking (texting, haha) about getting something together to showcase us both. We are of an equal passion and love of music, though we’re lovers of different genres. And I’d have to say we’re of pretty equal talent, though mine is vocal and his is guitar (though he has a pretty decent voice too!). We finally came to the conclusion that based on our work schedules the best we could work out would be an acoustic show, because that would be just the two of us and we wouldn’t have to worry about working around other schedules too. We both work second shift, so it’ll be a lot of mornings and weekends. I’ve spent the last week researching different songs that I thought would be good acoustically, both for us to sing as duets and as solos. I have to tell you, that for the first time since I’ve been involved in a project like this, I actually feel like this one might work out. I’m very excited about the prospect of making a dent in that dream! So far we’re both just working on the basics, learning some songs, him on the guitar and me lyrically. I can’t wait to update this and tell you all of our first show! I kind of joked to Dustin that if we’re good enough by then, maybe we can “open” for Black Widow on my birthday in June! I’ll keep you all posted!

As for anything else, let’s see…still working away at the dog bone factory, though things are kind of slowing down again. I always get concerned when I see that curing room empty! But we’re still plugging away at the pig ears with big orders, so hopefully that will continue to sustain us! Rich and I are doing pretty well. He puts up with a lot of crap from me. I admit it, I’m mean to him sometimes, I even tell him that I’m sorry for being mean and he tells me he doesn’t think I was…makes me think that whoever had him before must have been a RAGING bitch for him to not think I’m being one! I think to a point, it's me unconciously testing the limits of what he'll put up with, which I think is wrong and try to check myself when I realize I'm doing it. He’s such a sweetheart, he’s been working a lot but still finds a little bit of time for me and has even but in a lot of work to make sure my own car was safe. My cousins keep thinking that I don’t actually like him for a boyfriend, that I just like being a couple. But they’re wrong. It’s just that with my last boyfriend I was different, but I also had about a year to develop feelings for him before we even started seeing each other. I’ve only known Rich about 2 months (2 months April 15th) and I’m still building on my affection, attraction, and feelings for him. I’m still getting to know him. It takes time. I’m not in love yet, I’m not infatuated this time. I’m actually in the beginning still, straight out of the gate. We weren’t friends before we started dating like with my ex-boyfriend, Ben. My only disappointment in our relationship is that it feels like the honeymoon period was over too quickly. Honestly, it feels like he’s always been there, that he’s just always been around, I’m already comfortable in the relationship. I miss the excitement of it being new, though it still is, but it’s already gone. I am happy with him though. He’s sweet and so good to me and even to my family (helped my grandfather work on his truck). I just need some more time.

We had the first “fire” party of the season though it ended up a garage party. Always great to get together in a relaxed atmosphere, no reason to get all dolled up and just hang out with some GREAT friends. I’m so glad that it’s that time of year again, or rather in my opinion, those times of year again. First, I had that initial signal that the good weather was on it’s way when I heard those peepers for the first time, gotta tell you – love that sound! Means summer is just down the road! Then that other just WONDERFUL season that Pennsylvanians are so damn familiar with – road construction season! I could write a whole blog on it’s own about how road construction pisses me off. What is the necessity of closing off a whole side of a 2 lane road when you’re not doing anything on it and closing it for a week at that? That just blows my damn mind! Hate it! But it’s just the beginning I’m well aware of and will just have to grin and bear it! And leave for work earlier!

Well, I guess that’s it for now. Hell, I’ve written a novel here! Hopefully I can keep up with it a little better now!