Ok, so the boyfriend and I are thinking about taking that next step…moving in together. Honestly this has been a topic of conversation for friends and family for MONTHS. Literally, no joke. They’ve all assumed that this was inevitable and had us moving in together at probably 2 months or so into our relationship. At that I myself was putting on the brakes. Even if he would have asked me back then I probably would have told him no…not yet because I wasn’t ready. Not that I didn’t care about him at the time, I just wasn’t ready to make that commitment yet. We had barely made a commitment to each other for crying out loud. Getting off the topic a little but those outside influences of friends, family, and co-workers already either had us living together, married, or with a baby on the way…COME ON! Give me a little credit to put some real thought into where I wanted and how fast I wanted all of this to go! I’m not dumb all of the time! Just have lapses in judgment occasionally! But anyway…we’re kind of taking a mini-step that some people might giggle at a little but he’s moving in with me and my mom probably by the end of the week. It really just makes more sense then him living at his sister’s. He spends every night but 2 with me and pays rent to her for basically a storage area for his clothes. And there are some other circumstances that I’m not going to elaborate on but those who I’ve talked to already know why I hinted at this for him to both him and my mom. His rent is going to be cheaper and I’ll have him there every night…I can’t wait! There is just something about having that person you love laying beside you, holding you close and whispering I love you in your ear just as you fall asleep...just makes your heart feel full and complete. That last kiss goodnight and those first kisses in the morning are so precious…because in that moment you know you’re the first and last thing they’re thinking about in their day. Makes you feel like the luckiest person in the world…maybe I am. I have such a giving and sweet boyfriend, I couldn’t even begin to describe how selfless and considerate he is because words wouldn’t be enough. And it’s not just for me, he opens himself up to helping my family, my friends…and never asks for anything in return. I can’t wait for us to begin this next step in our journey together. If he can stand to live with me 24/7, then maybe he really is the “one”…only time will tell with that. Some may be wondering how we got to there…well, I had to ask him. I know…sounds like I was jumping the gun or something, but I wasn’t. Anyone who knows Rich knows you have to ask the questions if you want to know for sure. I assumed that when he found a place that I’d probably be coming with him, but I didn’t know 100% for sure. So Sunday night I said, I’m not pushing and don’t want you to feel obligated to say yes, but when you find some place to buy or rent, am I coming with you? He nearly laughed at me and said yes as if I was crazy to ask the question. It was comforting to know for sure and even more touching to know that it was never a question to him that I would be coming with him…it’s always a good feeling to be wanted and needed…in the truest senses of the words...maybe, after all, dreams do come true and this Cinderella will get her prince and her castle.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
After All...
I know not too long ago I wrote a blog about the lack of a best friend in my life and there was a lot of response to that from those who still mean a lot to me as friends – just wanted you all to know that – but anyway, after writing it I decided to put my theory to the test and just observed my friend “interactions”. I realize now that I do I have a best friend. Now, as I explained to her because I did let her know how I felt, it’s not always the easy or expected choice when you decide who this person will be in your life. It doesn’t have to be a family member, though for a long time I thought it was for me. And I don’t want you to get me wrong on this either, I still consider them to be a pair of the closest friends I have. But I recently realized that the one person I always come back to, the one I always rely on, the one I get the goofiest with, is April. She has been there or tried to be there for all the special moments I’ve had, even the ones that seem relatively insignificant to others. She’s always given me an honest, non-jaded, non-condescending opinion on things and rarely judges the choices I make. There’s no belittling anything I say. And we’ve come to that point where you know you’re spending a lot of time with someone because we either end up wearing something similar (and no we don’t call each other up and ask what the other’s wearing) or saying the same things. She’s been a great friend and I feel lucky that we met (again) those few years ago at Louis’ palace. It’s kind of a comfort to know that I DO have that someone I can confide in, lean on, and confess to without any “looks” or put downs or eye rolling or ridicule. And for that…I’ll love her forever!
Monday, June 30, 2008
Happy Independence Day!
Well, I certainly have been a “slacker” when it comes to blog upkeep! But as I have always said, isn’t it better to be out living life instead of sitting here writing about it? I’ve always thought so…Not a whole lot that’s terribly exciting has happened anyway, which in it’s own sense can be a good thing!
Let’s see, where to begin once again? Rich and I have almost hit that 6 month mark (July 15th) and things really couldn’t be any better and I couldn’t really be happier than I am now. He’s really that person I thought I’d never find, thought I never deserved. He’s not “Prince Charming” or “Romeo” but I’ve always thought reality is so much better than fantasy and he’s proven that. I’ve finally given up on my reservations on “prying” to get to know him better and have really asked some questions and got some of the answers I wasn’t getting volunteered. I know everyone’s not an open book and Rich is one of those people, but fortunately I’m learning to open the book myself and turn the pages. He’s so special to me now and I’m constantly feeling awed and amazed that he’s in my life. I love him. It’s as plain and simple as that. There are no complications in this relationship as there has been with my previous…uhm…I’m trying to find a word that fits here. I don’t want to use mistakes, but…I guess that’s what they were. I don’t regret them, but they were bumps in the road, maybe a bit more than that…I’d have to say potholes the size of an SUV would be more appropriate! But that was then, this is now. Now is a whole new adventure, one that I’m finally finding myself able to not second guess or be suspicious about and that’s taken some time. I know he loves me too, he tells me every day and this time I know the words actually mean what they are. He’s the most patient and understanding person I’ve ever encountered, he puts up with me in all stages of my personality, the impatient, the frustrated, the sick, the grump…he takes it all and says that I’m not any of it. He’s sweet to say it but I know the truth – haha! The good the bad and the ugly…he loves me for it all. Who could ask for more than someone who just makes you happy by being there and that you do the same for? It’s taken me some time to get here, but I can’t wait to see where the journey takes us next. Everyone loves him and thinks he’s such a great guy…no hesitations or questioning this time! Finally someone who is easy to accept!
I’m continuing my singing as always…sang in what will probably be the only wedding this year, Louis and Alisha’s (congratulations to the new Mr. and Mrs. Neely!) on June 7th. It’s kind of nice to have a break from that this year actually. I’ve been in SO many weddings in one capacity or more over the last 4 or 5 years that I’m due a break! I’ve been singer, bridesmaid, bridesmaid and singer, maid of honor and singer…I think I’ve only gone to one wedding in the last few years that I’ve done nothing more than be a guest! Not that I don’t love it. I absolutely do. And it’s one of those bigger honors to be asked to sing at someone’s wedding, I have to admit. To have two people choose you to commemorate their commitment to each other in front of those most important to them, it means a lot to me. I’ve also started singing the National Anthem again, something I used to do pretty regularly when I was in High School. We started attending races at Tri-City Speedway in Franklin and I noticed they were just playing a cd or tape to do the anthem and I decided why not volunteer my services? Amazingly enough without any audition or example of my singing they accepted my offer and I’ve had the honor of singing for them twice this year, though they’ve asked more I wasn’t able to attend. It’s a great experience and I love doing it! I’ve always missed doing it and am grateful for the opportunity again! I’m a crowd lover…the bigger the better! Plus the bonus of getting to see the races for free – can’t beat that deal!
I turned (ugh) 28 a couple of weeks ago and commemorated it with a big weekend of camping and canoeing with my friends. Despite the downpour Saturday night and the drama, I couldn’t have asked for a better time. It really meant so much to me that so many people made the effort to come out and spend time with me for my birthday. And to have some that we rarely get to see make the trip over to Endeavor too, I am so grateful for their presence. Thanks to everyone who made this the best birthday I have ever had…Rich, April, Tyler, Emily, Danny, Jed, Heather, Barb, Britt, Brad, Steph, Dustin, Desi, Ryan, Bill, Nicole, Tim, Bob, Misty, Phill, Jess, Alisha, Louis, Andrea, and Codie too. It wouldn’t have been what it was without any of you. Thanks for letting me know that I count to you all too.
Other than all of that I’m still plugging away at old TPT…same old same old there and you know what? I’m okay with that. This company really is something, today Rhonda, the owner, announced to all of the fulltime employees that they would be adding an extra $20 to our pay to help with the economic difficulties everyone’s having with gas prices and other things. How many companies do that? It’s offered sort of as an attendance incentive but still, how hard is it to come to work when they’re giving you FREE money to get here? All it takes to get that extra money is not having an unexcused absence that week. It really helps prove that sometimes the businesses you think just see you as another number actually DO care. So thank you Rhonda! This will help me hugely as I have a 40 mile round trip journey to do every day!
I suppose though…that I’ve given you enough for now. I hope you all have a wonderful Fourth of July weekend – enjoy that extra day off, I know I will! Be safe and Happy Independence Day!
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Best Friends Or Lack Thereof
Sometimes, okay, well, most of the time, I wonder if I have a "best" friend. I know a lot of people consider their significant other their best friend, but Rich and I are definitely not there yet. Some consider their sibling their best friend…I didn't grow up with any of my siblings in the same house and while I am close (and getting closer to others) to some of them, we never had that kind of relationship. For some people it's someone they grew up with, known since childhood, but that's not it for me either. Nor is it a school friend for me, most of my time in school was spent being the third wheel to two best friends, I never really was a best friend. I've been thinking about this for awhile and I have to admit, it makes me a little sad to realize that I don't have that someone that I tell every little thing to. For me to be best friends means it's felt by both sides. I guess it's kinda the same way I view being in love. You can't be in love unless it's felt by both people. Atleast not in REAL love. So I guess I feel that you can't be a REAL best friend unless the other person feels the same way. Don't get me wrong I have some really great close friends, but I just don't think I've ever in my life had a real best friend. In some cases, I thought I did and the situation got confused by other things and changed the relationship. Now I know at 27, this might seem childish, but I have felt like a third wheel pretty much my whole life. To friends and to family. Kinda makes me feel lonely to know that I don't have that someone for me. Maybe someday it will be Rich and I would really like to consider him more than just my boyfriend, I'd really like him to be a confidante and friend and would like to give him the same, but we just aren't quite there yet. I know you can have more than one, but it gets hard when you feel like you're shut out by another. Makes you feel like you don't count as much as you thought. It's lonely out here without that someone to talk to, that someone you open up to. I used to have that, but I just don't feel like I count like that to some people anymore. I'm not saying I'm jealous, or maybe I am, but I'm not begrudging anyone that person who makes it easier by being there. Just wish I had that someone for me again...
Thursday, May 22, 2008
A Little Too Ironic...Yes I Really Do Think!
Just to recap as I always do…I’m going to start with last Friday night because despite everyone’s desire to soothe my fears, it ain’t happening. Sorry, maybe I’m just a little bit more openly sensitive about things than the rest of the family is trying to be, but I can’t help myself. Last Friday I get a text message from my cousin, Stephanie, asking me if I’d “heard about gramps?” Instantly I get a nasty feeling in the pit of my stomach. No, I hadn’t heard anything about him that had given any cause to be concerned, so I asked what was up. I get a message back from her saying, there’s a possibility he has colon cancer but we’re not supposed to say anything about it, especially to gram because it might cause her to overload on stress and have another stroke. Instantly I am heartbroken, it was like getting kicked in the face with a steel toed boot. That’s not my grandpa you’re talking about there. That’s my DAD. That’s the guy who’d be walking me down the aisle someday. I tried really hard to keep my cool for awhile because I was at Clearview and didn’t want to make a scene there, but later on I couldn’t help myself as I laid there in bed thinking about everything and just unleashed the tears. Woke up poor Rich who sweetly held me as I sobbed like my heart was broken. Which in a way, it was. To think of him not there is something I try hard to ignore. I know he’s mortal just like any other person, but it’s hard not to think that your heroes won’t live forever. That goes for my Gram too. The day I don’t have either one of them in my life is one a piece of me will be gone too. After I tried to calm myself, I realized it wasn’t going to happen so I got out of bed and crawled in with my mom and woke her up at about 3am wanting some answers, something to take the feeling of dread that I couldn’t shake. She told me go back to bed and she’d get to the bottom of it by morning and that if it were really all that serious, they wouldn’t have sent him home after his cataract surgery. That they would have kept him there for further tests instead of sending him home and saying that they’d give him a colonoscopy after his second eye surgery next month. That made me feel better, but still even the possibility of that little word, cancer, is enough to strike fear into the hearts of anyone, whether personally afflicted or otherwise. My papa is my dad, he’s my hero. It’s hard not to get scared. But so far, with the thought of him not being held at the hospital, I have felt a little better. If it were serious they’d have kept him right? I’ll be sure to keep you all updated on the progress with this.
The next day was my sister, Nicole’s, graduation party. It wasn’t a total bust due to the weather but it was definitely held back by it. It was really great seeing so many of my friends together since it’s so difficult to get us all in the same room these days. It’s crazy to believe that she’s graduated from college. Seems like just yesterday I was helping her move in and climbing up eighty million stairs carrying TVs and boxes…crazy how time flies.
Today was a mixed up day, let me tell ya! First of all I slept way too late and thought I’d missed my chance to have lunch with my sister, Kristi, but fortunately we still worked it out. I have to say I was a little scared that it would be awkward and that we wouldn’t have anything to say to each other but it was the opposite and I had a really great time talking to her and meeting her adorable son, Konnor. He was so cute and entertaining and I was so happy to finally meet him. We had an hour or so of great conversation and pretty good food down at Clearview and agreed that we would try to do it atleast once a month. I really look forward to getting to know her better and feel so lucky that I got a good one for a sister!
But this is where the day gets ironic…this weekend marks the true beginning of my relationship with my ex-boyfriend. Nothing too special in that…hell I didn’t even want to acknowledge the day but when I got to work, two of my fellow employees took upon themselves to remind me, hey, today’s the day Ben quit! Gee, thanks, just what I wanted to remember…a lying, cheating bastard! *Sigh* But that’s not the best part! Literally not more than fifteen or twenty minutes later I’m out getting my lunch and putting gas in my car before the price goes through the roof this weekend when low and behold, who should pull in to the gas station after me? Ben! Honestly, I couldn’t help but laugh a little and think ‘you’ve got to be fuckin’ kidding me” (sorry for the f-bomb, but that’s exact thoughts). I didn’t look at him, I didn’t talk to him, didn’t acknowledge his presence but paid for my gas and pop and went out the door with a repeat of the previous though and giggled to myself as I walked back over to my car. Today of all days!? Come ON!! I tell ya…life is too effin IRONIC. Alanis had it down…I definitely DO think!
But I digress…besides I don’t wish him too awful of a life. He’s got to live with himself and what he’s done. He’s got to live the life he’s made for himself. I don’t wish him ill will. Not to him or to his wife. I’d kinda like it if he fell off the face of the earth, but I’ll take what I can get and a little misery would be alright. I didn’t waste hardly any tears on him so I guess it didn’t mean that much anyway. Sounds like I’m trying to convince myself of that huh? Nah, I just have had enough time to think of what our relationship entailed and it’s not really worth getting worked up over…obviously it didn’t mean that much to him, so why should it to me? Besides, I’m with a great guy now. One that’s pretty much devoted to me and really for the most part makes me happy. One that doesn’t have someone on the side! I can share like the best of them, but there are just some things you just don’t want to share and your boyfriend is one of them, that’s for sure. Honestly, I’m still giggling a little at the thought of seeing him today, again, today of all days! Like a good swift kick in the butt…didn’t see it coming, didn’t like it, but it was kind of funny.
I suppose, I should do something a bit more productive than this, so I’ll sign off for now. Keep you all posted on what’s going on in my twisted ironic life! Keep coming back for more!
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
The Way We Were, The Way We Are, The Way We Hope To Be
You know, I've been thinking about things that have been happening in this past year and I can't help but think that, already though it's not quite half over, 2008 is shaping up to be one of the most happy years I've had. So many people have come in or come back into my life and I really couldn't be more excited and eager to see what happens next. Granted, I have also lost some friends and I'll miss how much they impacted my life despite their choices but really I have been fortunate enough to meet some great new people and get to know one that I have wanted to for a very long time.
I was lucky enough on the day after Valentine's Day to find that special guy that I get to call mine, Rich. I have been a devout HATER of Valentine's Day for many years, both Valentine's Day and New Year's Eve because they are the most couple-oriented holidays there are and for many years I have never had anyone to call mine on Valentine's Day. The night before myself, and two of my co-workers, Chrissy and Chris (both ladies) decided that we would be each other's fake "lesbian" dates for Valentine's Day because we were all of the same opinion of the holiday, highly over-rated Hallmark Holiday. We went out and enjoyed each other's company, none of us thinking that our situations were going to change. But the next night, I did my usual stop at Clearview and Emily came over to me and said there was someone that she and my mom had wanted me to meet for a long time. That he was a really nice guy, quiet, and had been treated pretty badly by his ex-wife. She had him come down and say hello to me, but I was surrounded by a few people who were drunk and adamant for my undivided attention, so we didn't have the opportunity for more than that because I bailed out of there so I could get some space from those who don't get it that you don't need to be in someones face to get their attention. I ended up coming back to the Clearview with Brittany and Desiree and he was still there. Apparently he spent a lot of time there but I had never noticed him. I was sitting over at a table with the girls when he came over to talk to me for awhile amid the dart game he was playing (when I met him he was addicted to darts!) and while it was like pulling teeth to get him to talk, I actually stepped out of my own comfort zone and made the efforts at conversation. It wasn't love at first sight, but it was definitely like at first sight. We made plans to meet the next night at Clearview where he met some of my friends and family and the rest is history. We're now going on nearly 3 months of being together and while I've had my moments of stress, he's been there and accepted me as me. Something not everyone gets! Everyone likes him and more importantly...I do! And after our recent rumor issue, I've come to really appreciate him being in my life. I'm really finding myself falling for him...REALLY falling. And honestly...I couldn't be more excited. I'm coming to the point where I really want to say that "L" word, but I'm afraid to since I've been burned before and just don't want to be the first one to say it. Guess we'll see how that works out.
Another exciting development is the relationship I'm getting to start with my older sister, Kristi. I have wanted to extend my interest in knowing her for a very long time. I have met her before, have spoken to her, we even went to school together, but we never really acknowledged that we were related in the complete sense of it. I know I was always proud to know that she was my sister. She was always a great student, such a nice person, and a great athlete throughout high school. But that's where our interaction ended. Now, thanks to the small step our younger sister took in adding her to her own life, I'm getting the opportunity to connect with her and each of us become a part of the other's life. This is something I have looked forward to for a long time but have always been hesitant to make the first step. Family is so important to me and she is a part of that. I'd also like to get to know her family too, I don't ever expect to be Aunt Jessica to Konnor or Justin, but I'd like them to know me, even if it's just as Mom's friend. It's still a little awkward for me at times and I'm a little nervous about the first time we actually sit face to face and talk. I'm afraid I won't be able to say anything! But I am so excited and happy that she's becoming a real sister and I hope someday that she will be in all senses of the word. No "halves" here!
Other people that keep dropping in or finding me on Blogger or MySpace have ended up being some real surprises! My pretty much oldest friend, Cathy, recently messaged me on my blog and I'm excited to reconnect with her again. We've known each other since pretty much the day she was born, June 12th, one year after me. We've been friends on and off since then and unfortunately been more off than on as we've gotten older. I'm really hoping now that we've "found" each other again, we can really catch up on life with each other. Also, the friend I talked about in a previous blog has me very happy about the future, this is a friend I have truly missed. Someone I had a definite connection with and really enjoyed spending time with. I am so very thankful that he made the first step in extending the olive branch in wanting to be REAL friends again. His is one that I have truly missed because of it's affect on me before we made the mistake that we did. I really look forward to getting back to the way we were and feel very lucky for a second chance...with more than one person involved in that situation.
Maybe the most exciting person I've gotten to meet this year is my new nephew, Brody Andrews Sellen. Maybe he and I don't have much to talk about yet, but I love him nonetheless and his addition to our family is a celebrated one. He's such a handsome little guy and we all love him so much. He just gets more and more personality everyday. He's getting to be quite the little chub too! Almost weighs half as much as his 2 year old sister already! He's absolutely adorable and just like his sister, Jaiden, before him, he lights up a room with his happy little smile and the few little giggles we get out of him. I can't wait to see him grow and learn new things like I have with Jaiden. They are definitely a pair of the most adored children ever born, that's for sure!
All in all, this has been a relatively good year...despite hospital visits, despite family member injuries, despite lying witches, despite all the bad, I have to say that the first part of 2008 is shaping up well and I can't wait to see where it goes from here. Any year that starts off with more good than bad is always promising.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Full Circle Of Friendship
Last night was a really surprising night for me. Now in most senses it was the same old same old - work, Clearview, that's about it. But one short conversation definitely put a positive spin on an average Friday. Someone that I have had a very strained and awkward relationship with for several years due to some incidents of which we were both responsible, told me that he still cared about me a lot and missed how things used to be between us. This was something I had been feeling for a long time but not knowing how he thought about it made me not want to push the issue, plus with our "uncomfortableness" with the situation, I don't think either one of us wanted it to appear like we were trying to be more than just friends again. I didn't know how to approach him anymore, didn't know if we were even friends anymore. And this was someone I had considered my first real guy friend, he was really in all senses of the word, my best friend. We had so much in common, just seemed to click on the our opinions of things and just had an instant comfort with each other. Something I have a hard time finding sometimes. When I met him, and I do still remember the day very clearly, I knew he was going to be something special and important in my life. And he certainly has. Back when things were still good, he was that unbiased mind that I went to for advice, someone who at times comforted me when I was hurt or depressed. Someone who didn't judge me. And I have missed that so much. I never thought I'd get the chance to get it back after all that had happened. But last night he gave me a little spark of a light at the end of the tunnel by saying he thinks we can get it back and agreed with me in the hopes that it will happen. It was just really good to know that I wasn't the only one who felt the way I was feeling, that I missed our friendship and that despite it all still loved each other as a friend. That I wasn't the only one who missed having that someone who gets it to talk to. So here's to that actually happening and that we've come full circle in the drama we created for ourselves. Here's to finding that friendship once again.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Look In The Mirror...What Do You See?
*Sigh* It's been a bit of a stressful week. Shouldn't have been and I should not have let this bother me but due to prior experience, of course it has! Earlier this week, the girl who I previously stated had made an effort to derail my budding relationship with Rich, has once again reared her ugly head and made yet another attempt at ruining what has the potential to be something really special. Unlike her, I will once again not use her name because I have more respect for my fellow person than she does obviously. I would not deliberately go out of my way to hurt someone as she has so many countless times in the years that I have known her. I, unlike her, have a heart and a conscience. This time though, instead of saying derogatory things about me and my friends, she has chosen to attack Rich. Now, for those of you who have met or know my boyfriend, you know what a kindhearted, sweet, and giving person he is. He will go out of his way to help perfect strangers if the need calls for it. He is just one of those selfless people who always puts someone else first. I know - I'm so lucky, right!? Honestly, he really is someone who one could easily take advantage of...guess he's a lot like me. Now, she is trying to say that he has another girlfriend, other than me. Now, knowing her and how much of a conniving, deceitful, and lying person she is, I should have let this mis-information just go in one ear and out the other, but due to the fact that in my last relationship that is exactly what happened to me, I couldn't help the wheels of doubt from starting to turn. I couldn't stop those sneaking feelings of suspiciousness and paranoia from seeping into my mind, no matter what I already knew as the truth. And I know how unfair that is to Rich, I shouldn't punish him for the actions of the mistakes I made before, but their mark on my mind and heart have been indelible. He and I have talked about this and were both profoundly upset that she would start such a rumor and to drag his sister in and place all the blame on her. She and his sister are very close friends and the impression I keep getting is that she isn't even giving me a chance and is in cahoots with this girl to make sure he and I don't stay together happily. I've never done anything to her to make her want to destroy this little bit of happiness I've finally found. I know the girl has to be a miserable person, to try and create this drama and malcontent. Seems like the only joy she finds in life is in the pain of others. And as much as I want to confront her, to tell her what I really think of her, to air her dirty laundry for the world. I won't. Why? Because I pity her. Pity her and the life she's leading, the example she sets for her young daughter and child to come. She is still just a child herself to behave the way she does. It's time to grow up and take responsiblity for yourself instead of butting your nose into things you really don't know anything about. We're happy, try and find some of that for yourself. Continuing as you are will only bring more darkness to your heart and if you do, you'll never find anything but that. I'd love to just unleash the anger I had earlier this week, because it's still there. The urge to grab her, shake her, slap her around a little, it's still under the surface of the calm I find now. But I know better and I know the type of person she is. It's a shame she comes from such a nice family and should reflect what her parents taught her instead of trying to hurt so many people with lies. I really do pity her and that's what saves me and her for not doing what I'd really like to. So I forgive you. I forgive you for all the rumors you've started now and from years before. Because those who know the truth, those who know you, know your lies. And those who know you, will never believe a word that comes out of your mouth. Especially anything good. I'd really like to know how you can look at yourself in the mirror every day and not see the ugly person you have become. Your face maybe pretty but inside you're the ugliest person I have ever met. Goodluck in life, you're going to need it.
One positive thing to come out of all of this is it's made me appreciate what I have with Rich just that much more. I think I was already starting to take it all for granted. Like I've said, I thought our honeymoon period was pretty much over in the first week and I went through a period of "grumpiness" with him where I found myself getting annoyed easily, but recently even before this, we started, atleast I did, finding a comfortable place with each other. Like it had been a lot longer than just 2+ months that we'd been together. After this week though, even though those little questioning fears are still lingering a little. I find that I'm appreciating him, just being around him and just what we have. I find myself slowly getting close to the big "L" word. I don't use that term loosely. I used too quickly before and I knew then I wasn't ready for it but said it to make the other happy. Now, I find myself wanting to say it but am afraid to be the first person to do it. Guess we'll have to wait and see. I do know that I care for him a lot and I'm really looking forward to where all of this goes. I know I'm lucky to have someone like Rich in my life. You don't come across men like him that often anymore.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Off The Top Of My Head
Wow...I've been slacking again. But in retrospect, that's a good thing, right? Means I'm out living life instead of writing about it! Let's see...what's been going on?
Well, I tried to have one of "those" talks with Rich, but it definitely didn't go the way I wanted it to. I breached the subject of not knowing much about his past or more personal life and asked why he didn't talk about it. All I got was "I don't know." *Sigh* I then continued by saying that I'd like to know more about him, because after more than 2 months of seeing each other, I feel like I've opened up a lot in showing who I am and where I come from but still don't know much about him. This lead to him just putting his arm around me and again coming up with "I don't know why." I really don't think it should seem like pulling teeth to get to know someone who's supposed to care about you. I don't think it should be so hard to share who you are with someone you care about. Am I being pushy? Am I being selfish? I don't know. This isn't the only issue I have but the other seems...well, it really does seem like a superficial and selfish reason to be "upset" about. I'm not really angry about it. It's just that I am someone who makes an effort to make others feel good about themselves by telling them they look nice and while I don't REALLY need the validation, we all like to hear it sometimes. Not once since we've been dating have I heard a "you look nice tonight" or a variation of it. Not once. I feel childish even writing about it, but sometimes when your self-esteem isn't that great to begin with, you need that little something from especially your significant other, that your efforts to look good for them actually pay off. I get that he's a guy and they just don't really pay attention to stuff like that sometimes but I'm a girl that needs it every once in awhile. I can't bring something like that up because if I hear it from him after that it seems like he's just saying it because I did. Lose lose situation....oh well.
Let's see what else...OH for EVERYONE to know - don't go to Donovan and Bauer Auto Group in Titusville for anything! No service, no cars...they don't know what quality work is! Around six months ago I had a wheel bearing/hub replaced on my car. Granted these parts are crap on all Grand Ams and I've gone through so many on the 2 I have owned that its ridiculous, but six months was definitely a record! I had Rich replace both of them on the front of my car recently and he called to tell me during the process that when I had the one replaced at the dealership they failed to put in 2 of the 3 bolts that hold the wheel on the car. I asked if this was something that could have just fallen out accidentally and he said no, that that's a secure piece and that where they should have been was rusted proving that they had not been in the wheel for awhile. Huh? Interesting. I asked if this was something dangerous and he said absolutely, it only had one bolt/screw holding the whole wheel on the car and it could have easily snapped off. I was pissed! I could have been seriously hurt or even died! And what if I had had someone else in the car with me? What if I had Jaiden or Brody with me? I was so angry, I wanted to march into that service department and tell them exactly what kind of workers they had employed there but after talking to my mom she said I couldn't really complain because the service department manager had given her a lot of discounts over the years and I had to let this one go. Huh? Wonder if we'd have let it go had the wheel come off? So while I can't complain to them, I can let everyone I know what kind of operation they have going down there - shitty! Avoid Donovan and Bauer Auto Group - they don't know quality!
Had another disappointment last week...found out Black Widow will not be at Clearview on my birthday. :( I was so looking forward to that! I've seen them come and go on everyone's birthdays and couldn't wait for them to be there on mine! Especially now that Lana knows I can sing and would have most likely pulled me up there to sing again! Definitely puts a damper on my canoe and band plans! I'm going to suck it up though and have decided I want to go camping after canoeing now. And while some friends have offered their backyard...No thanks...that's not camping! I want us all in tents out in the middle of no where! It's been so long since I've really camped and am definitely up for it!
So much is going on in the next couple of months...just don't know how I'm going to afford to swing it all! This weekend is Alisha's bridal shower and I have yet to get her a gift. Next is Rich's birthday...and I have sworn NO John Deere! The boy is obsessed with it and anything I'd get he'd probably already have. I think I'm going to add some Old Navy to his wardrobe! Just stuff I think he'd actually wear, so T-shirts or Hoodies, don't worry honey - no polos yet! Next is Alisha and Louis' Stag n Drag - and that's $15 for both me and Rich to go. Never heard of paying for a bachelorette/bachelor party before but whatever I guess. I don't want to miss it so I'll have to pay. The weekend after that is Nicole's graduation party...which will probably just involve a card and some cash but there's still that. Following that is Alisha and Louis' wedding, involving yet another gift! I'm going to be broke by the middle of June if not sooner. Thankfully after that is my own birthday - so money will be appreciated! Hahaha! I think that's all I've got going right now, but of course it's always subject to change and additions!
I've been trying to change my life healthwise a lot lately, especially since being in the hospital. It's so damn hard though! I've been making myself excercise in some way every day before I go to work and so far it really hasn't been that hard pulling my butt off of the couch yet. I really like the dancercise DVD I have right now (think the same one as you, Jen!). Boy, when I started I was so uncoordinated! I actually put it away for almost a year because I just didn't think I had the rhythm for it but when I pulled it out this past week, I've found that it is there after all! I've also been walking a little and went out and bought a bike that I try to ride a couple times a week. Over did the first day with 2 miles...boy were my muscles sore and my legs wobbly! Had to remember I wasn't a kid anymore who could just hop on the bike and go! So I'm working up to going a little farther every day. Of couse none of this is going to help really until I completely change my diet. That's been my toughest challenge. Just can't bring myself to totally give up that good stuff that's so bad! I'm supposed to be on a 2000 calorie diet per my doctor due to my diabetes but I'm having such a hard time following it. Starting next week though, I'm getting that diabetic handbook out and trying to set myself up the right way. Wish me luck! I'd like to lose atleast a few pounds before we go on vacation to Topsail Island, NC the end of September so I don't feel quite so whale-like on the beach!
Guess that's it for now...till next time! Oh and hope you enjoy the music and all that I've added...it was just for you wonderful visitors - if there are any!
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
A Weekend In The Life...
Well, another weekend has come and gone. They never really seem to last long enough do they? I know they don't for me! My poor boyfriend, he doesn't seem to know what a weekend or even a day off is. Such is the life of the "on-call mechanic". I know I would be terrible at being "on-call" for anything. I'd probably never answer the phone (Thank goodness for caller ID!). Poor Rich got called into be at work at 9:30 on Sunday night and didn't end up leaving until around 2 AM, plus had to be back by about 8 AM. What kind of crap is that? I kind of worry our relationship might suffer for it. I would never ask him to put me before his work but I'd actually like to get to see him for more than a day! But it's only been 2 months (today officially) that we've been together, guess we'll have to wait and see where the situation takes us. I know I'm not quite ready to give up yet!
Friday night, we did the usual Clearview thing. I, of course, had to work until 11 but showed up to find Rich hanging out with my friends, April, Tyler, and Bill. I can't tell you how much that makes me happy! I really want them to be his friends too and he's so painfully shy and quiet, I really wondered how it was going to work out. Most of my friends are NOT on the quiet side, especially when they get a little alcohol in them! Rich, on the other hand, barely speaks most of the time (sober or otherwise) and I feel so bad for him because it seems like he's not having a good time. I understand that's probably just how he is, but he really does need to talk more! I notice he's slowly getting more comfortable with certain people, Steph, Dustin, April, Tyler. I think being quiet is just how he is, though. Something to get used to. I wish I knew more about him before we got together. I don't really know very much yet still. I don't even know his kids' names yet. After my last relationship, I'm afraid to push and pry about anything and that makes it hard to start asking any questions. I didn't push hardly at all in my last relationship, didn't push to meet his family or kids or push to make myself a real part of his life. And that's what probably cost me all of the time I wasted on him. If I had pushed before, I'd have learned the truth a lot sooner and saved myself a lot of insecurity afterwards. But live and learn, right? I don't think Rich would treat me like Ben did at all, but it still makes me leery to question anything. I fell for the song and dance before, I don't want to do it again, my trust has been shaken so I have taken everything a lot slower this time. I understand in Rich's case things are a lot different, because like me, he was the hurt party in the situation he was in. He was the one left for someone else, like I was. Guess we have a bit more in common. Well, we didn't last long at Clearview, April and Tyler had to start moving into their new place early the next morning and Rich planned on going fishing with Danny, the only friend of his I've met, but actually already knew long before I met Rich. It was still an interesting night with meeting our friend, Craig's, date for the night. I'm not going to name names but my mom knows her and they are the same age - 47. He's only 26. I know he likes the older women, but geez! She's got kids OLDER than him! And to be honest, she looks her age. Not all women of that age look it! He knows he's an ass though and seems to take these dates with the "cougars" as a laugh. Thinks he's "the man" for nailing older women I guess. But atleast he knows he's an ass...
The next night (Saturday) I got to spend some quality time with Rich and some friends. Which is why I LIVE for my weekends! When I first started going out, I always went to Titusville, AKA T-Vegas. That's where most of my friends hung out and it just made sense for me to go there. Needless to say, I made new friends there and gained some fans along the way as far as my singing goes. Unfortunately with my working in Warren now, I never get the opportunity to really go to T-Vegas and with a few of my friends hating to go out there due to the heavy surveillance by the police as far as the bars go. But anyway, because April and Tyler (those who dislike it most) were moving this weekend, I decided that we should head out to T-Vegas for the night and see some old friends. Steph, Dustin, Barb, and Bill came a long too and it turned out to be a really nice night with some people I've missed...and some who have apparently missed me too! Dustin and I busted out some karaoke and wowed the crowd like we always do, getting lots of well-appreciated compliments. I have to say that I've definitely missed the crowd at the old (yet new) Diamond Lunch! One disappointment though, was finding out that Erie Idol auditions had been the night before and I had missed them...such is my luck! I think I really would have auditioned this year too! I guess there's always next year...I found out the people that won a chance to the next round were some of my old karaoke contest circuit partners...Becky and Jay. Many times we traded winning positions in different contests, so I wish them goodluck and you're lucky I wasn't there! Hahahaha! People were a bit surprised to learn that I've changed a few of my songs and have added a few rock tunes that always seem to impress. Probably never would have even tried them if it weren't for "Cassies" in Warren. That bar is all about hard rock karaoke and I have never seen anything like it. Figured I had to learn something as close to hard rock as I could if I planned on coming back! Though I have to admit that they've come to accept the fact that I'm gonna bust out a country song every once in awhile and I think I paved the way for others to be brave enough to do it too! Guess I've paid my "rock dues"!
Sunday night was my uncle's fiancee's birthday. *Sigh* I'm almost hesitant to say what I really think of their situation here. In fear that maybe it might come back to bite me in the ass if I actually put it out there. Obviously by saying that, I'm not in agreement with his choice for a life partner. She's just not really what I ever pictured him settling down with. I don't see where they really have anything in common. I understand that opposites can sometimes attract but I still can't wrap my mind around him spending the rest of his life with her. Unfortunately my uncle is one of those people you can't tell stuff like this to. Actually my WHOLE family is filled with those people! Myself included! We just don't like to hear it. We are all worrying that he might just be settling because he doesn't want to be alone. I love my uncle a lot. He and I have a pretty good relationship. We even make a point of having lunch together every weekend and catch up. He really is a great guy and deserves someone who gets him and has a real connection with him. Not just settle for someone who has "put in the time". They've never even lived together and she's pushing for them to get married by September. Are they going to live in separate houses? She lives in town, he lives in the country and I just don't see either one moving into the other's home. I just don't see where this would ever work out. She's very high maintenance and he's the polar opposite. Of course, he can probably see more in her than we can, but what we see, most of us don't like. And don't even get me started on her kids! Well, just one of them anyway. Let's just say I hope he grows out of it. I really do just wish the best for my uncle. He deserves someone who makes him truly happy and the more I see this wedding pushed on him, the less happy he seems. Guess we'll have to wait an dsee what happens on September 13th, whether he makes it to the altar or not. I've been asked (by her) to sing at the wedding...I told her it'd cost her. Hahaha...
Work has been okay, for the most part. A few more heads have rolled since they started the drug test head-hunting. A lot of speculation has been thrown around about who the suspected "narc" is...and we'll probably never know the truth. I know it's not me, so that's all that matters. I'd hate to be the person who is if it ever comes out! I've never really had to worry about any drug tests myself, I'm a clean girl! I'm not going to play innocent and say I've never tried it, but it was never for me and nothing I felt the need to bring into my life. All I know is that those who partake around here had better drop it for a little while otherwise they might be joining those already in the unemployment line! I've never really understood the addiction to anything...other than food and asshole men, obviously! I've never been one to be a heavy drinker. I've had a few bouts with smoking, but it was just as easy to not pick one up as it is to pick one up. I could smoke for a month and then put it down with no need to pick one up for a year. Guess I've just been fortunate to not have one of those addictive personalites! But to each their own, as I always say! They've started to crack down on attendance here as well. Not that I have a lot of reason to worry about that either! They're implementing a "point system" now and it has a few people up in arms about it. Every time you call off, regardless of the situation, you get a point. If you leave early, you get half a point, despite the fact it was your decision to leave or if the supervisor told you to leave. If you get 3 points, you get a verbal warning. If you get 4 points, you get a written warning. After 5 points, you're done, terminated. Now this isn't a terrible system if you already have good or relatively good attendance and it's our own faults (well those employees that took advantage of the old system) that we're being put to this system. Though it's not completely fair to those of us who have followed the rules. Also if you need a day off and you have no vacation time life, you are not immediately excused for the day, but are put in "pending" status. If someone else needs that day off or we're busy, you're expected to work. This does NOT bode well with me. After I was in the hospital, I lost all but one day of my vactaion time and now I need a day off in August and I made a point to put in my request WAY in advance (yesterday). I'm going to see Daughtry in concert in Meadville and have already bought the nearly $100 tickets. But even though I was considerate enough to let them know months in advance, I'm being put in "pending" status. This wasn't my boss' decision, she was ready to give it to me, but the powers that be told her otherwise. This is partially because I'm taking a week's vacation in September (my first REAL vacation in years! A week on Topsail Island, NC! Can't wait!) and she's already told me I have that time off regardless of whether or not I have any time left. I am not missing this concert. The tickets were too much for me to miss it and it's only one damn night. I'm willing to take the night not paid. And hell, if it comes down to it I'll just call off and take a damn point. And I don't call off unless I am totally incapacitated with a migraine usually. Give me two if you want. I am NOT missing this concert!
That's the other interesting thing that's happened...I ended up with 4 tickets to the Daughtry concert...oops! I had Steph and Dustin order me two tickets this morning when they got theirs so we could sit together, then called to tell Mom I'd already got them, but she'd already ordered me 2 for my birthday. Fortunately a few of my friends are Daughtry fans (how could you not be!), so I sent out a text to them all and within a minute I had them sold to my friend Barb. So thanks Barb! I won't be sitting with all of them but I've got center seats a little bit farther back, but dead center in the track at the Crawford County Fair. Can't wait to see that sexy bald-headed rockstar! He definitely has a few songs that get me!
Well, guess that's all for today...who knows, maybe I'll feel froggy enough to bust out bit more later...
Saturday, April 12, 2008
FYI for Readers
Just wanted to let my readers - if there are any! - know that the blogs preceding the "Recapping" blog are all older blogs from my MySpace writings. I picked a few of what I considered the best to post on here too and just wanted to explain for the lapse of time and ages being off (a few of them say I'm 26 and I'm 27 now...) and for the "Men" one, I have met a great guy and am in a GOOD relationship, hahaha! Just wanted to avoid any confusion! Enjoy!
~The Author~
jess
Men I Have Encountered
I'm starting to realize something now at 26 that I should have realized long ago. I, Jessica Rose Confer, am a dirtbag magnet. And if it's not a dirtbag, it's something extremely close -- the guy old enough to be my dad, the already involved with someone guy, or the married guy. I just don't understand it.
In regards to this first type, there have been times when I have honestly said, "I wish I was a dirtbag." Because, really if you think about it, they have no real standards. The majority will just look for something of the opposite sex, preferably of the same species, though sometimes I think that's just a bonus option. And I don't get why they flock to me -- maybe I'm just too nice, too friendly and they take that as interest, but let me tell you guys -- you're getting the wrong impression! Friendship is one thing -- considering a relationship entirely another! I hate to say this about myself but I'll admit I've probably set my standards a little too high for someone like me. I know I'm no prize and I would like to say that I've never thought that I am "better" than someone else but I can't lie. And you can't tell me that 99.9 % of the people in the world haven't felt that way atleast once in their lives, so unless you're Mother Theresa, don't judge me! I know there are MANY people who have looked down their noses at me in superiority, but even though I pushed myself for their approval in the past -- I'm over it. I kinda like me now. And that's what probably makes me a little picky, but I'm sorry, I can't be attracted to someone who has a rat-tail or mullet, or doesn't know enough to pull up his pants so three-quarters of his asscrack isn't hanging out. I'm sorry but the only moon I'm going to gaze at romantically is the one hanging in the night sky! And I don't think I come across or even look like the kind of girl who would be interested in men like that. In the last few years, I've finally found my niche in style, or would like to think I have. I've conquered thinking that just because I was a bigger girl that I had to hide myself in big, baggy boys clothes and have really embraced the femininity I lacked. And I've finally allowed my greatest "assets" to breathe -- you all know the "girls" like to see the sun too! Finally, I feel like a woman and am enjoying it thoroughly. That's why I don't understand why these men approach me, as snotty as it sounds, and I know it does, we are not on the same level -- mentally or otherwise. I look for someone I can have a real conversation with, someone to snuggle with in the morning and do the crossword together in bed. Does that guy exist?
The next example is too old for me guy -- ok, I like an older guy as much as the next girl, but if you're old enough to have dated my mother and still have been the "older guy" to her -- move on. Yeah, maybe I didn't have the greatest relationship with my dad, hell, I don't think I'd even constitute the acquaintance of father and daughter that we have as a relationship, but despite that, I don't have a "daddy complex." I don't feel the need to replace him, and besides he was replaced at birth by my grandfather, who I now use as the example of the man I hope to find someday. That being said, I don't want to be someone's status symbol (tells all his friends he nailed a chick half his age) nor do I want to be a midlife crisis, buy a sports car, color your hair, grow a mustache, don't bother me! Maybe you think I might be interested because by your being older that makes you wiser, more sophisticated and worldly but honestly it only makes you one thing -- OLDER.
Next on the list is the already-involved guy. These and the married ones are very similar but have significant differences. One being that band of some precious metal and the little piece of paper legally stating you belong to someone else. The already involved guy is usually one who is confused as to whether or not the one he's with is actually "the one", or he's looking to build up his ego by how many girls he can bed before the girlfriend finds out and he has to pull himself out of shit creek because he's drowning in his own BS. I think these guys look for girls like me because they see the vulnerability and low self confidence and prey on it. I'll admit I've succumbed to both of these types of already involveds. I think the first type really affected me because despite the circumstances, he made me feel special, that maybe it wasn't just some physical attraction between us. That one still haunts me and probably always will, the what could have been, the what shouldn't have been, and the way I wish it had really gone. The second one I regret because I know I was just a knotch in his bedpost and while I've moved on from it, I wish there wasn't something to move on from. But we all have those skeletons that we wish would bury themselves under that pile of New Kids on the Block T-shirts and high top sneakers in the back of our closets.
Finally, there's the married guy. These ones are complicated. One reason being that "you can't touch" factor that drives us crazy! One never wants something more than when they're told they can't have it. It's that old "keep your hands out of the cookie jar" problem all over again. And the fact that they've embraced the "commitment" side of life just makes them more desireable. I've sworn to myself that if they have a ring on their finger that I wouldn't even put them into contention for my interest -- but unfortunately the rings don't stop THEM! When someone that I can be attracted to flirts with me -- I'm sorry, I react and, damn it, flirt right back. And as a married man there are just some things you don't say, don't even elude to! They drop the line "I wish we could be more than friends", after they already have you hooked with sweet words. So while they dangle what they have in front of you, all it was to them was teasing. Maybe giving them an ego boost, reassuring them that they still have "it". Well, your wife can keep "it." You gave up all rights to other women the moment you said "I do". Maybe that's why they find it so easy -- they know that even if they get shot down there's always someone at home. So save me the trouble of getting hurt, by you or your wife -- stay home! I admit I fell for one of these pretty hard and it was equally hard when I was dropped 3 months later. Live and learn, grow and be wiser, that's all I can say. Life goes on I hope his wife can really put what he's done behind her. If she can she is a far more forgiving person than I could EVER be. There are no 3 strikes and you're out. No foul balls. All it takes is once and I want you out of my life for good. If I'm not worth following the simple rule of being faithful, then you're not worth my time. Keep it in your pants or keep on moving.
That all being said, maybe I should explain what I am looking for. I'm looking for a guy who takes pride in his appearance and works hard with minimal complaint. One who can hold a decent conversation with just about anyone - especially me, but also knows when words are just too much. One who respects who I am and loves me for it. One who has understanding for my mistakes -- past, present, and future. One who loves what I love, understands what I believe in. One who doesn't feel the need to pretend anything with me or expects any more than what I have to give. One who loves my family, because through thick and thin, rain or shine, they're part of every aspect of my life and always will be. One who likes my friends and can get what it means to be "Shanty for Life." One who likes to read, maybe likes to write, and enjoys learning something new, from each other or from the world. One not afraid of change and not afraid to stay the same either. One who's touch can set me on fire, whose lips give me life and heart wants no other. One who loves music, especially country, and who isn't afraid to sing to me, whether he can carry a tune or not! I know I'm asking a lot here -- an intellectual, romantic, loving, honest, devoted redneck with a little style sense. Is that really a lot to ask for? Apparently so, as I'm still alone. But he's out there, just waiting for me to cross his path. Well, he can find me in Grand Valley, PA...I'll be waiting.
What It Once Was...
I don't know why I feel like writing this tonight, well, this morning, but I do. After last night, it's really made me think about all that's gone before, what is yet to be and the way I wish things could go. I'm talking about the friendships I used to have with some of the most amazing people to ever walk upon this earth. You might know them as Louis, Jed, Tim, Phill, Bob, Apollo and a few more, but I know them as my second family, my Shanty family. There have been others who have joined us and stayed, some who have joined us and left. But now it feels as if we're all leaving. I'm not trying to say we shouldn't grow up, but I am saying don't forget where you came from. We all used to spend just about every day together, and if not every day...atleast every weekend. Now it's seems like it's impossible to get us all in one place at once. I know we all have obligations to ourselves, our jobs, the new families we seem to be building, but don't forget the family that was always there for you before. I hope that I have not made myself unaccessible to these people because that is something I would never do. I guess I'm just having a hard time letting go of the best times I have ever known. I never really felt like I belonged anywhere in high school, I was always the third wheel to two best friends but when I started hanging around these people I felt like I finally found somewhere that I could feel at home. Somewhere that I didn't have to be anything more than who I was, accepted for every little idiosyncracy, every little stupid move, every little imperfection. And now as we all move our own ways I'm feeling like I'm back in high school again, trying to find a place I really belong. After this weekend, it really made me realize how much I miss those days. I got to spend one night with a lot of these people I haven't seen in way too long. And I swear I didn't want the night to end, just being in the same place at once made my heart happier than it has been in awhile. Didn't want to see everyone go back to their own homes, knowing that the days of crashing together at someone's house and waking up to talk about the previous night's events were over and done. I sit here and I can't help but get teary-eyed and emotional just remembering those late nights at the Shanty (old and new) at the Palace, and up at Bob's where we would stay up listening to music, bullshitting, sitting by a fire, enjoying a few drinks and the pleasure of each other's company. Knowing that you didn't have to call and see what everyone was doing because you already knew and already knew that your presence was one that was expected, hell, required. But those days are gone now, never to be resurrected. Because we're growing up. We're finding those that we may or may not call "the one". We're starting families, making futures, committing to adulthood. I'll admit it, though I might be one of the oldest of us all, that I am not ready for that yet. I am not ready to let all of this go, I didn't have the "fun" high school experience that most of them had. I didn't start partying till I met them. I'm still going through my "rebellious" stage, though being legally able to drink doesn't make it nearly as exciting to me as it had to be for them. I'm not ready to let go. But I know there's nothing I can do about it. I can't stop the inevitable, can't stop the moon from rising, stop the tide from flowing and all of those other poetic ways of saying what will be will be no matter what. I feel like I've lost so much this past year. Lost best friends. Lost people that I held so close to my heart that there is nothing in this world I wouldn't do or attempt to do to make them happy, nothing I wouldn't do or give up to make sure there was a smile on their face instead of tears or a frown. Those of you who read this, I don't want you to think I'm taking away from anything that you want, have accomplished, or have found, because I wouldn't, because that means that I would want you to be unhappy and that's the last thing I would ever want. You all deserve everything your heart desires and if there's any way I can help you find that, don't ever hesitate to ask. I'm just scared that this is something that will eventually progress to us occasionally seeing each other in passing and not stopping to talk or give each other a hug, but to just nod or wave and keep on going. And that's not what family does. Atleast not anyone I have ever considered TRUE family in my heart. And each of you are. If I could ever find the words to truly express to each of you what you have done to me I would write it across the sky so the world would know and realize that Jessica Rose Confer is one of the luckiest girls in the world. Because I am. I am thankful for that day that I took the old Grand Am to show Heather when I bought it and then she took me to town and I met Phill Bob Tony and then Jethro...and they took me back to a place 3 miles from my house where I reacquainted myself with old friends who welcomed me unconditionally, though the fact that I was 21 didn't hurt my standings! So no matter what you say about that old car - it was the best car I ever owned! So here's to the days that used to be - the days of hanging out at Monro for hours on end, sitting in the old parking lot bullshitting about everything and watching the world go by, sitting in the Old Shanty watching the Fast and the Furious (Slow and the Irritating) and Gone in 60 Seconds over and over again, sitting on the hoods of cars in the driveway of the new Shanty as we checked out the racers that went past, the nights of partying in a house that was way too good for us (LOL) and seeing the drama unfold too many times, sitting around the fire under the tree at Bob's listening to people argue about what music to play and the nights of hanging out at the View and the lovely Diamond Lunch. Memories I will never forget, people I will never forget. I miss you all so much. Miss your friendship, your smiles, the way we could spend time together talking about nothing, the times where we didn't talk but always felt satisfied by just being around each other. I miss you all so much. And while I know things will never be the same...I hope we all remember what used to be, I know I will always remember it with a smile and a tear. And if you stop someday and think about one of your Shanty family and just can't help but smile or laugh, then I guess it was all worth it. I love you all - always. Shanty For Life.
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Moving On
I HATE THE TIMES I'VE SAID REMEMBER WHEN
HOW I'D GIVE ANYTHING TO GO BACK TO THEN
THE DAYS WHEN WE WERE YOUNG AND CAREFREE
WHEN THINGS THAT DO NOW DIDN'T MEAN THAT MUCH TO ME
HOW LIVES HAVE CHANGED IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE
EVERYONE'S IT SEEMS, EXCEPT FOR MINE
CAN'T FORCE MYSELF OUT OF THE PAST
GUESS THAT'S WHY I'LL ALWAYS FINISH
LAST CHORUS: CUZ I CAN'T LET GO OF WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN
COULDN'T BE THE SAINT FOR ALL OF THE SIN
DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE WHAT I'VE KNOWN
THE ONE THAT TRIED BUT COULDN'T LET GO
FOUGHT TO KEEP US TOGETHER FOR EACH OTHER'S SAKE
ALWAYS TOO LITTLE, A DAY TOO LATE
I THOUGHT THIS WAS SOMETHING WE'D HAVE FOREVER
A TIE THAT TIME COULD NOT SEVER
BUT EACH HAS FOLLOWED A DIFFERENT PATH
SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THESE DAYS COULDN'T LAST
CHORUS:
NOW I'VE GROWN INTO ANOTHER VERSION OF ME
NOT THE PERSON I EXPECTED TO BE MAYBE WEAKER, MAYBE STRONGER
BUT THE SHADOW IN THE CORNER I'LL BE NO LONGER
2ND VERSION OF CHORUS: AND I'LL GIVE UP ON WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN
I'LL NEVER BE THE SAINT, CAN'T FORSAKE THE SIN
CAN'T KEEP TOGETHER WHAT ALWAYS FALLS APART
TIME TO FIND A PLACE, TIME TO FIND A NEW START
Daddy That Never Was
I'm 26 years old and I'm still hurt by the fact that my dad doesn't really love me. Maybe that's silly, maybe it's not. I don't know. I guess I should just know and be comforted by the fact that so many people do love me, care for me, etc. But my dad doesn't. The man partially responsible for my existence doesn't really care if I live or breathe. Some days I wish I didn't know who he was, wish my mom hadn't made him be a part of my life, made him admit I was his. She hates him for how he's treated me, how he treated her, but still she defends him to me when I get hurt or angry. Says "he's your dad and you should love him." But I can't anymore. I see him occasionally, at family functions, he says he love me but how can a man who denies a child who looks so much like him? I have never been able to decide whether I'm the lucky illegitimate child or not. See I'm the third in a 3 year succession of illegitimate children my father produced. My oldest sister knows who he is, has on occasion seen him, coincidentally our mothers are friends. My older brother, may have seen him once or twice and we mistakenly realized we were related one day during a conversation in study hall when I was about 14 or 15. That's not all either, he actually did the manly thing and married the mother of my next two younger sisters, born 6 years and almost 10 years after me. Finally history repeated itself with the birth of my little brother now almost kindergarten aged, also out of wedlock, but atleast he lives with this one's mother. Maybe it's selfish of me to have wanted something more from him. Selfish of me to want him to see me graduate from high school. But I should understand that he had to see his girlfriend's son graduate from sixth grade. Selfish of me to want to share with him the one thing in my life that makes me truly special, singing, inviting him to choir concerts when I had a solo, which was just about every year since the 8th grade, was too much to ask, but I should understand when he could make it to his girlfriend's son's choir concerts when he didn't do much more than take up space in the back row. Maybe those things were years ago, but they still hurt. Still cut right to the heart of me. All I have ever wanted was for him to be proud of me and to tell that to me. For the words "I Love You' that came from him to actually mean something. But they just don't. I can't even bring myself to tell him I love him anymore. Because how can I love a complete stranger? And how can I expect a complete stranger to love me? I can't and I don't. I've always told myself that my grandfather was my real father, grandma even calls him "my dad" most of the time and in all real respects he was my dad and I know he thinks of me as his. But he isn't my dad. He's my mom's dad. As much as I'd love it if he really were, he's not. He'll still be the man to walk me down the aisle, should that day ever come. And if not him, it will be someone else, but not my dad. Never him. He will be lucky if he's invited to the wedding. And if invited I'd be surprised if he attended as I'm sure his girlfriend or her son would have something more important for him to do or attend. I've always been an overly forgiving person. Always the one to let things roll off my shoulder, to laugh when someone was putting me down and the one to still want to bend over backwards for that person in hopes what they said would change and they'd want to be my friend. But I don't think I can do that with him. I don't think I can just let it go to to my father, the man who's supposed to be a little girl's hero, the one to chase the monsters from under her bed away. I guess all I've ever wanted was to count to him. But I guess I just ended up another statistic in his long line of forgotten children.
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Friday, April 11, 2008
Honor Beyond Words
I have been fortunate enough in my life to have been honored for many things. I've been honored for my singing, I've been honored for writing, for horse-back riding, for being a good 4-Her. I've probably had more than my share of award-winning. I've always been appreciative of these honors and I always will be. But there is one honor that is above and beyond any that I have ever received.
Over a year ago, I was asked by the mother of a friend that we lost to write the epitaph for his headstone. I can barely describe how it felt to be asked something of this magnitude. I was nearly brought to tears and was overwhelmed by what his parents asked of me. To epitomize how a friend, a son, a brother mattered to those closest to him was a challenge I was not sure I would be able to meet. I made my attempt and enclosed the short poem with the annual one I write to commemorate the anniversary of his and his cousin's death, with a note saying that I tried my best but if it wasn't good enough, wasn't what they wanted, or if they wanted to change it in any way, that it was okay. That I would understand. I never got a response from them officially as to whether or not they'd used that or maybe an excerpt from something else I'd written, except for the one occasion I encountered his father at Clearview and he stopped me to tell me thank you for all the things I had written, that I had found the words that he himself had always wanted to say. He also told me that Leigh's memorial would be one every one would notice, that "they were going to know who was up there". Not that we could ever forget, but I understood what he meant.
Nearly a year ago, my cousin and myself went up to see the new stone, finally put into it's place after so many years, though we understood why, as his father had told me to get what he wanted it took a lot of money to be saved and a long time to be created. It really is beautiful, tall, with his picture, his name, and an engraving of his car on it. But what made me nearly tear up again was seeing the words that I had created to remember him by, there carved into his stone. It had been one thing to write them, to see them on paper, but to see them there, telling the world how we all loved him, I can't truly describe how I felt. Yes, honored and proud, but also humbled. It was honestly one of those life-altering moments we all think about. It was the best way I could have ever been allowed to commemorate his remembrance, I was so glad that I could find the words that myself as a friend and his parents needed to describe his effect on our lives.
Both of the young men there on that hill are a part of my heart and my life every day. Rarely a day goes by that I don't atleast think of them once. They were special people to all that were fortunate to have met them. Two unique and life-loving individuals that will be missed forever. I know his father wanted to be sure that everyone knew who was up there, but to those that kept them close to heart as friends or family, there's not a chance that they could ever be forgotten, no headstone, big or small, will ever change that. We love you now as we loved you then, David and Leigh.
*Leigh's Epitaph*
IN LOVING MEMORY OF THE ONE WHO WENT BEFORE
WHO TOOK A STEP AWAY AND WALKED THROUGH HEAVEN'S DOOR
FROM A BOY TO A MAN , WE WATCHED YOU GROW
NOT KNOWING WHERE YOUR PATH WOULD GO
NOW TO HEAVEN, OUR SON, OUR FRIEND
BUT THIS IS NOT WHERE IT FINDS ITS END
IN OUR HEARTS YOU LIVE EVERY DAY
AND HOPE YOU HEAR THE WORDS WE PRAY
CHERISHED ALWAYS IN YOUR PLACE OF PEACE
OUR LOVE FOR YOU WILL NEVER CEASE
Class of 1998 - 10 Years Later
It's finally become THAT time in one's life when you have to revisit a past that some prefer to forget, some embrace eagerly, and others look at with indifference. I'm talking about High School Reunion time. For me this is bittersweet at best. YHS was a time of definite blind naivete for me. Where I know now that I was a complete mess while I was there, I had several different ideals that I held to myself, places that in my deluded, innocent mind thought I fit in, but never really did. I know I was a nerd, that I have no doubt in, but I wasn't a straight A nerd…don't get me wrong, had I actually applied myself I probably could have been, but I had a serious case of "I don't want to do homework", we all had it one point or another, but I think I developed it in about the 4th grade and never lost it. But in the definition of all other symptoms of being a geek or nerd, I was one. I was a club-joining one at that…audio-visual club (AKA The WYHS Eagle's Eye Television Station – specifically the "remote" reporter and occasional on-air announcement reader), 4-H (which I was in pretty much my WHOLE life thanks to my family and it's something I'm definitely proud of, a lot of what I did in that program never would have happened without it.), helped as a statistician for track, was in the school play, was a writer for "The Broadwalk" school newspaper, a member of "The Aquila" school yearbook staff, and most importantly I was a singer in the Choir. Without choir, I would have spent my high school in complete obscurity and I never would have found the passion of my life. Thanks to someone seeing I could carry a tune when I was about 13 or 14, I made a name for myself at YHS. You might not know me or even my name, but you knew my face and you definitely knew my voice. But while I found something that made me special, I found more that worked hard to beat me down. A lot of people who to my face would act kind but as soon as I turned my back, the knife was dug deep. Mostly this was because not only was a nerd…I was a fat nerd. I really tried hard back then to try and fit in, to try to wear the right clothes, to do the right thing even when it seemed the right thing was the very wrong thing, but as so many other teenagers find, there is just only so much you can do, only so far you can go. And in my mind I thought I was doing it. But looking back now, I know I was sadly mistaken. And like so many others, I really wish I did know then what I do now. I wish I hadn't tried so hard to catch the attention and respect of people who weren't worth mine. I'd like to say that I 'd like to tell them now how they affected me and who I was then but like they weren't really worth the effort then, they're even less worth it now. I honestly should probably thank them. If they had shown me just a little consideration, I might not have turned out the way I have now. So thanks for laughing at me behind my back, for the snide comments under your breath, you think I didn't hear them, but I did, mostly I felt them. It's taken many years, a lot of growing up, and the fortunate luck of finding real friends to bring me to here. And part of that journey has been in looking back at who I was and who I didn't want to be, a journey that has brought me to who I am today, someone that I am for the most part proud of. A woman with a backbone, a more centered focus in what I want and a definite awareness of what I'll tolerate. I may not be the nerd anymore, but she's still there, a reminder of how far I've come with the help of lessons and support from those who really care about me. I really am luckier than I thought I would be. I may not be the millionaire, I may not be the superstar, I may just be that person who works at the dog bone factory, but atleast I've always been me. And I know when that night finally rolls around to the Class of '98 10 Year High School Reunion, I'll still be me and instead of looking down like I did so many times before, I'll be walking in with my head held high and a smile on my face because where I may have been confused as to who I was and where I fit in before, I know who I am now and I don't need to fit in…approval is no longer needed.
Fortunately, I've been talking to another girl I graduated with and she and I are of an equal mind on this. Neither one of us want to attend a reunion set up by people who treated us like lesser beings all through school. For me those were the people I was striving to impress, but so miserably and in the end luckily, failed. Not only did she suggest having our own reunion of sorts, but the invitation would be extended to ALL students we were friendly with and not limited to those we graduated with, because we had in common the fact that we had several underclassmen as friends. I think this is a GREAT idea and definitely want to be involved with it. So here's to the "anti" reunion!
Recapping A Few Weeks
It’s been forever since I’ve sat down and put paper to pen (so to speak) and updated life here in my blog. I’ve thought about it a lot, but just haven’t been inspired to actually put myself to the task. There’s a lot been going on too…so I suppose since I have a bit of time right now I’ll see what I can work out!
A couple of weekends ago, I got the amazing honor of singing with on of my favorite sort of local bands, Black Widow (they’re from Buffalo, NY, but do a lot of shows in PA). I cannot explain the rush of getting to sing with an actual band, on a stage, in front of a decent sized crowd for a bar. I’m not going to say that I haven’t known since I was about 13 years old that this was what I wanted to do with my life, but getting that opportunity just solidified that dream. Yes, I know it will probably always BE a dream, but at least I got a chance to live it for 5 minutes. I wasn’t like I am at karaoke, everyone always gets on me for not being a “performer” at karaoke, I’m sorry that’s not my version of my “rockstar dream”. Mine involves a real stage and a real audience, not that I don’t appreciate the people there, don’t get me wrong on that! I love all of those people who come to see me just do a karaoke tune, but it’s an entirely different vibe to be up there with the lights on you, people dancing and singing a long with you. Definitely different from the days in choir too! I think for me that a lot of the time the best part is knowing that I can totally blow someone’s first impression of me once I have a microphone in my hand. They see that quiet exterior, the typical fat girl, but when I open my mouth and let it go, I can actually see the looks of shock and see total opinions change in a minute. I love that. I’ve loved that since I started singing in high school. The nerd faded away and there before them stood a diva and I don’t mean the J.Lo kind. That’s a feeling that can always bring a smile to my face. One that no one can take away from me and one that I live for every time I sing. I have to extend a big thank you to Lana, the lead singer, for pulling me up on stage that night because I just don’t think I’d have been brave enough to ask to sing, though she had told me before that I should the next time I came out to see them, just based on my singing a line in one of the songs once.
However, the night was not all spotlight and smiles. I was very hurt by someone who I have tried to be understanding about his life since he’s gotten married and started a family. I was totally shunned by him when I walked in the door, I was so excited to see him, smiled and pointed at him and he totally turned away from me. I’d like to say that was the first time he’s broken my heart since he’s made these changes in his life, but it’s not. I didn’t hear his wife had given birth to their daughter until a day or so after and it was from my mother, not him. I have been so hurt by how he’s treated me and the rest of our friends that I’m slowly losing the patience I once had. It has nothing to do with the fact that he’s married or that he has children. I am so happy for him that he’s found all of these wonderful things in his life, but why turn your back on those who have been there every step of the way for YEARS. It breaks my heart to know that he’s not the same person at heart that he used to be. Friends used to mean a lot to him. And while I understand that we don’t come first anymore, I thought we should atleast be in the top ten. I’m so happy for him that he’s found what I know he looked for for a very long time, so happy that he’s found responsibility an easy task, and has settled into a life with his family. I honestly couldn’t be more proud as a friend of the man he’s become. But I can’t understand why that means sacrificing his friends. Until that weekend I hadn’t seen him in months and to be treated that way, I just don’t know how I’m going to come back from it. And I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. It’s a pretty resounding opinion among those who in their hearts still love them, despite how we’ve been treated. I guess we just miss him. I do wish him the best with his family, I do, I would never wish anything bad upon him, because even though I’m hurt and angry, I still love him too. I just really hope that it doesn’t take what it took before to get us all together again. None of us want to make that sacrifice again.
The next day was much more exciting! Started off my morning with an “adult” party…won the door prize game too! They are great fun, that was, I think, my fourth party, I even hosted one for my friends last summer. I’ve never been one for the “toys” but they are so funny to go to and watch the reactions of the people who have never been to one before. Later on, Britt, Rich, Dustin, Desi, Ryan, Nicole and myself all hit the road to Erie to watch Seether, Breaking Benjamin, and Three Days Grace with opening act Neverset. It was an awesome concert and I highly recommend it for anyone who likes alternative/rock music. Definitely a different vibe than a country music concert. My only real complaints were that it was WAY too hot and stuffy in the Civic Center, that too many people in this world have become rude and ignorant, and that none of the bands really seemed to be out on stage very long. Atleast not long enough for me. I was impressed enough with the opening act to get a few of their songs from iTunes and then got the whole CD from Dustin and put it on my iPod. Neverset definitely seems like an up and comer! They had a very high energy performance and were very open to interacting with the concert-goers. Nicole had her picture taken with the guitar player and I overheard people saying they were autographing stuff too. That’s what I love about newer bands. They take time for the fans. Definitely one reason why I LOVE Alter Bridge! They take the time for pictures, autographs, you name it. And seem to genuinely want to know their fans. If I ever get the chance to have fans, I know that’s how I’ll be!
After that weekend of nonstop music, Dustin and I were both inspired and started talking (texting, haha) about getting something together to showcase us both. We are of an equal passion and love of music, though we’re lovers of different genres. And I’d have to say we’re of pretty equal talent, though mine is vocal and his is guitar (though he has a pretty decent voice too!). We finally came to the conclusion that based on our work schedules the best we could work out would be an acoustic show, because that would be just the two of us and we wouldn’t have to worry about working around other schedules too. We both work second shift, so it’ll be a lot of mornings and weekends. I’ve spent the last week researching different songs that I thought would be good acoustically, both for us to sing as duets and as solos. I have to tell you, that for the first time since I’ve been involved in a project like this, I actually feel like this one might work out. I’m very excited about the prospect of making a dent in that dream! So far we’re both just working on the basics, learning some songs, him on the guitar and me lyrically. I can’t wait to update this and tell you all of our first show! I kind of joked to Dustin that if we’re good enough by then, maybe we can “open” for Black Widow on my birthday in June! I’ll keep you all posted!
As for anything else, let’s see…still working away at the dog bone factory, though things are kind of slowing down again. I always get concerned when I see that curing room empty! But we’re still plugging away at the pig ears with big orders, so hopefully that will continue to sustain us! Rich and I are doing pretty well. He puts up with a lot of crap from me. I admit it, I’m mean to him sometimes, I even tell him that I’m sorry for being mean and he tells me he doesn’t think I was…makes me think that whoever had him before must have been a RAGING bitch for him to not think I’m being one! I think to a point, it's me unconciously testing the limits of what he'll put up with, which I think is wrong and try to check myself when I realize I'm doing it. He’s such a sweetheart, he’s been working a lot but still finds a little bit of time for me and has even but in a lot of work to make sure my own car was safe. My cousins keep thinking that I don’t actually like him for a boyfriend, that I just like being a couple. But they’re wrong. It’s just that with my last boyfriend I was different, but I also had about a year to develop feelings for him before we even started seeing each other. I’ve only known Rich about 2 months (2 months April 15th) and I’m still building on my affection, attraction, and feelings for him. I’m still getting to know him. It takes time. I’m not in love yet, I’m not infatuated this time. I’m actually in the beginning still, straight out of the gate. We weren’t friends before we started dating like with my ex-boyfriend, Ben. My only disappointment in our relationship is that it feels like the honeymoon period was over too quickly. Honestly, it feels like he’s always been there, that he’s just always been around, I’m already comfortable in the relationship. I miss the excitement of it being new, though it still is, but it’s already gone. I am happy with him though. He’s sweet and so good to me and even to my family (helped my grandfather work on his truck). I just need some more time.
We had the first “fire” party of the season though it ended up a garage party. Always great to get together in a relaxed atmosphere, no reason to get all dolled up and just hang out with some GREAT friends. I’m so glad that it’s that time of year again, or rather in my opinion, those times of year again. First, I had that initial signal that the good weather was on it’s way when I heard those peepers for the first time, gotta tell you – love that sound! Means summer is just down the road! Then that other just WONDERFUL season that Pennsylvanians are so damn familiar with – road construction season! I could write a whole blog on it’s own about how road construction pisses me off. What is the necessity of closing off a whole side of a 2 lane road when you’re not doing anything on it and closing it for a week at that? That just blows my damn mind! Hate it! But it’s just the beginning I’m well aware of and will just have to grin and bear it! And leave for work earlier!
Well, I guess that’s it for now. Hell, I’ve written a novel here! Hopefully I can keep up with it a little better now!
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Just Asking For A Little Peace...
Some people just have bad luck and for my family these past few weeks, well, it’s definitely been us. First, my Aunt Kate is pulled into a machine at work and seriously injured with broken arms and a broken sternum, next, my barely 2 month old nephew, Brody, is diagnosed with RSV, respiratory disease, and then finally, I got all the luck of being stuck in the hospital for 3 days on St. Patrick’s Day weekend with pancreatitis or inflammation of the pancreas, a kidney stone, really high blood sugar, a fever, and high tri-glycerides. It’s starting to seem like my family should take up permanent residence at one of the area hospitals...just in case! It almost seems like whatever’s up there really has it out for my poor family. I really hope the old wives’ tale of bad or good things coming in threes is true and this is it, because I’ve honestly had enough of hospitals, especially after my own 3 day and 3 night stay. Hospitals are not any fun, they’re very lonely when you’re in by yourself, especially at night. I really don’t see how anyone can sleep there, the only times I could was after exhaustion and I just couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore. And then when you do finally fall asleep, they come in to poke you with a needle or take your temperature or whatever they feel the need to do. For the most part, the nurses and doctors at the Titusville Hospital took pretty good care of me though, I really shouldn’t complain. I have to say though what people say about hospital food is true though...it sucks!
My only real complaint while I was in the hospital was the lack of support from my friends. I, myself, have ALWAYS been the type of person to drop it all and come running if I heard someone I cared about was in the hospital, hurt or otherwise. I have always been the type to give my support in any way that I could. If it was within my means, I’d do anything to make it happen. I guess I just shouldn’t expect blindly that everyone is like me, because obviously they’re not. It just really disappointed me to not see some faces that I really expected to be there, especially the ones that live right in the area of the Titusville Hospital or relatively close. I can’t help my hurt and disappointment and when I see the people that made me feel this way, it’s just something I have to work past. I’m not trying to be selfish, I understand people have things going on in their own lives, but it just makes me really wonder, that had it been worse, would THAT have been enough for them to make a little effort? I was there for THREE days. You can’t tell me that at some point in THREE days you couldn’t stop for five minutes? Or in some cases, even call or even send a text message? I hate to be bitter, I hate to be resentful, but it’s hard not to be. I’ve had time to think about this and it’s not sitting well and the feeling is not going away. I guess I just have to "suck it up" once more in my life and let it go, but maybe now, older and wiser, I won’t be that girl who gives it all for those who never give anything in return.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Unintentional Selfishness
Sometimes as we grow up and move through this journey called life, we all lose sight of what is important to us, sometimes we neglect special people and sometimes we take for granted their presence in our life. I am guilty of it, we all are. I wish it didn't happen but it does and we all have felt the chill of an unintentional cold shoulder.
I made the mistake of not making a greater effort to celebrate a great friend's birthday with her this past weekend and she felt hurt by it. Which she is totally justified in feeling. She didn't deserve those feelings and I am so sorry that she did feel that way. I want her to know that I didn't forget her or her special day and hope that I can make it up to her as her friendship does and always has meant a lot to me. She's been there through a lot of ups and downs, has been there for a lot of good and a lot of bad and I've been thankful for her presence in my life. I just hope she knows that I did remember her birthday and wish I could have spent some it with her. I'm sorry, Barb and love you!
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