Best Friends Or Lack Thereof

Sometimes, okay, well, most of the time, I wonder if I have a "best" friend. I know a lot of people consider their significant other their best friend, but Rich and I are definitely not there yet. Some consider their sibling their best friend…I didn't grow up with any of my siblings in the same house and while I am close (and getting closer to others) to some of them, we never had that kind of relationship. For some people it's someone they grew up with, known since childhood, but that's not it for me either. Nor is it a school friend for me, most of my time in school was spent being the third wheel to two best friends, I never really was a best friend. I've been thinking about this for awhile and I have to admit, it makes me a little sad to realize that I don't have that someone that I tell every little thing to. For me to be best friends means it's felt by both sides. I guess it's kinda the same way I view being in love. You can't be in love unless it's felt by both people. Atleast not in REAL love. So I guess I feel that you can't be a REAL best friend unless the other person feels the same way. Don't get me wrong I have some really great close friends, but I just don't think I've ever in my life had a real best friend. In some cases, I thought I did and the situation got confused by other things and changed the relationship. Now I know at 27, this might seem childish, but I have felt like a third wheel pretty much my whole life. To friends and to family. Kinda makes me feel lonely to know that I don't have that someone for me. Maybe someday it will be Rich and I would really like to consider him more than just my boyfriend, I'd really like him to be a confidante and friend and would like to give him the same, but we just aren't quite there yet. I know you can have more than one, but it gets hard when you feel like you're shut out by another. Makes you feel like you don't count as much as you thought. It's lonely out here without that someone to talk to, that someone you open up to. I used to have that, but I just don't feel like I count like that to some people anymore. I'm not saying I'm jealous, or maybe I am, but I'm not begrudging anyone that person who makes it easier by being there. Just wish I had that someone for me again...

A Little Too Ironic...Yes I Really Do Think!

Just to recap as I always do…I’m going to start with last Friday night because despite everyone’s desire to soothe my fears, it ain’t happening. Sorry, maybe I’m just a little bit more openly sensitive about things than the rest of the family is trying to be, but I can’t help myself. Last Friday I get a text message from my cousin, Stephanie, asking me if I’d “heard about gramps?” Instantly I get a nasty feeling in the pit of my stomach. No, I hadn’t heard anything about him that had given any cause to be concerned, so I asked what was up. I get a message back from her saying, there’s a possibility he has colon cancer but we’re not supposed to say anything about it, especially to gram because it might cause her to overload on stress and have another stroke. Instantly I am heartbroken, it was like getting kicked in the face with a steel toed boot. That’s not my grandpa you’re talking about there. That’s my DAD. That’s the guy who’d be walking me down the aisle someday. I tried really hard to keep my cool for awhile because I was at Clearview and didn’t want to make a scene there, but later on I couldn’t help myself as I laid there in bed thinking about everything and just unleashed the tears. Woke up poor Rich who sweetly held me as I sobbed like my heart was broken. Which in a way, it was. To think of him not there is something I try hard to ignore. I know he’s mortal just like any other person, but it’s hard not to think that your heroes won’t live forever. That goes for my Gram too. The day I don’t have either one of them in my life is one a piece of me will be gone too. After I tried to calm myself, I realized it wasn’t going to happen so I got out of bed and crawled in with my mom and woke her up at about 3am wanting some answers, something to take the feeling of dread that I couldn’t shake. She told me go back to bed and she’d get to the bottom of it by morning and that if it were really all that serious, they wouldn’t have sent him home after his cataract surgery. That they would have kept him there for further tests instead of sending him home and saying that they’d give him a colonoscopy after his second eye surgery next month. That made me feel better, but still even the possibility of that little word, cancer, is enough to strike fear into the hearts of anyone, whether personally afflicted or otherwise. My papa is my dad, he’s my hero. It’s hard not to get scared. But so far, with the thought of him not being held at the hospital, I have felt a little better. If it were serious they’d have kept him right? I’ll be sure to keep you all updated on the progress with this.

The next day was my sister, Nicole’s, graduation party. It wasn’t a total bust due to the weather but it was definitely held back by it. It was really great seeing so many of my friends together since it’s so difficult to get us all in the same room these days. It’s crazy to believe that she’s graduated from college. Seems like just yesterday I was helping her move in and climbing up eighty million stairs carrying TVs and boxes…crazy how time flies.

Today was a mixed up day, let me tell ya! First of all I slept way too late and thought I’d missed my chance to have lunch with my sister, Kristi, but fortunately we still worked it out. I have to say I was a little scared that it would be awkward and that we wouldn’t have anything to say to each other but it was the opposite and I had a really great time talking to her and meeting her adorable son, Konnor. He was so cute and entertaining and I was so happy to finally meet him. We had an hour or so of great conversation and pretty good food down at Clearview and agreed that we would try to do it atleast once a month. I really look forward to getting to know her better and feel so lucky that I got a good one for a sister!

But this is where the day gets ironic…this weekend marks the true beginning of my relationship with my ex-boyfriend. Nothing too special in that…hell I didn’t even want to acknowledge the day but when I got to work, two of my fellow employees took upon themselves to remind me, hey, today’s the day Ben quit! Gee, thanks, just what I wanted to remember…a lying, cheating bastard! *Sigh* But that’s not the best part! Literally not more than fifteen or twenty minutes later I’m out getting my lunch and putting gas in my car before the price goes through the roof this weekend when low and behold, who should pull in to the gas station after me? Ben! Honestly, I couldn’t help but laugh a little and think ‘you’ve got to be fuckin’ kidding me” (sorry for the f-bomb, but that’s exact thoughts). I didn’t look at him, I didn’t talk to him, didn’t acknowledge his presence but paid for my gas and pop and went out the door with a repeat of the previous though and giggled to myself as I walked back over to my car. Today of all days!? Come ON!! I tell ya…life is too effin IRONIC. Alanis had it down…I definitely DO think!

But I digress…besides I don’t wish him too awful of a life. He’s got to live with himself and what he’s done. He’s got to live the life he’s made for himself. I don’t wish him ill will. Not to him or to his wife. I’d kinda like it if he fell off the face of the earth, but I’ll take what I can get and a little misery would be alright. I didn’t waste hardly any tears on him so I guess it didn’t mean that much anyway. Sounds like I’m trying to convince myself of that huh? Nah, I just have had enough time to think of what our relationship entailed and it’s not really worth getting worked up over…obviously it didn’t mean that much to him, so why should it to me? Besides, I’m with a great guy now. One that’s pretty much devoted to me and really for the most part makes me happy. One that doesn’t have someone on the side! I can share like the best of them, but there are just some things you just don’t want to share and your boyfriend is one of them, that’s for sure. Honestly, I’m still giggling a little at the thought of seeing him today, again, today of all days! Like a good swift kick in the butt…didn’t see it coming, didn’t like it, but it was kind of funny.

I suppose, I should do something a bit more productive than this, so I’ll sign off for now. Keep you all posted on what’s going on in my twisted ironic life! Keep coming back for more!

The Way We Were, The Way We Are, The Way We Hope To Be

You know, I've been thinking about things that have been happening in this past year and I can't help but think that, already though it's not quite half over, 2008 is shaping up to be one of the most happy years I've had. So many people have come in or come back into my life and I really couldn't be more excited and eager to see what happens next. Granted, I have also lost some friends and I'll miss how much they impacted my life despite their choices but really I have been fortunate enough to meet some great new people and get to know one that I have wanted to for a very long time.

I was lucky enough on the day after Valentine's Day to find that special guy that I get to call mine, Rich. I have been a devout HATER of Valentine's Day for many years, both Valentine's Day and New Year's Eve because they are the most couple-oriented holidays there are and for many years I have never had anyone to call mine on Valentine's Day. The night before myself, and two of my co-workers, Chrissy and Chris (both ladies) decided that we would be each other's fake "lesbian" dates for Valentine's Day because we were all of the same opinion of the holiday, highly over-rated Hallmark Holiday. We went out and enjoyed each other's company, none of us thinking that our situations were going to change. But the next night, I did my usual stop at Clearview and Emily came over to me and said there was someone that she and my mom had wanted me to meet for a long time. That he was a really nice guy, quiet, and had been treated pretty badly by his ex-wife. She had him come down and say hello to me, but I was surrounded by a few people who were drunk and adamant for my undivided attention, so we didn't have the opportunity for more than that because I bailed out of there so I could get some space from those who don't get it that you don't need to be in someones face to get their attention. I ended up coming back to the Clearview with Brittany and Desiree and he was still there. Apparently he spent a lot of time there but I had never noticed him. I was sitting over at a table with the girls when he came over to talk to me for awhile amid the dart game he was playing (when I met him he was addicted to darts!) and while it was like pulling teeth to get him to talk, I actually stepped out of my own comfort zone and made the efforts at conversation. It wasn't love at first sight, but it was definitely like at first sight. We made plans to meet the next night at Clearview where he met some of my friends and family and the rest is history. We're now going on nearly 3 months of being together and while I've had my moments of stress, he's been there and accepted me as me. Something not everyone gets! Everyone likes him and more importantly...I do! And after our recent rumor issue, I've come to really appreciate him being in my life. I'm really finding myself falling for him...REALLY falling. And honestly...I couldn't be more excited. I'm coming to the point where I really want to say that "L" word, but I'm afraid to since I've been burned before and just don't want to be the first one to say it. Guess we'll see how that works out.

Another exciting development is the relationship I'm getting to start with my older sister, Kristi. I have wanted to extend my interest in knowing her for a very long time. I have met her before, have spoken to her, we even went to school together, but we never really acknowledged that we were related in the complete sense of it. I know I was always proud to know that she was my sister. She was always a great student, such a nice person, and a great athlete throughout high school. But that's where our interaction ended. Now, thanks to the small step our younger sister took in adding her to her own life, I'm getting the opportunity to connect with her and each of us become a part of the other's life. This is something I have looked forward to for a long time but have always been hesitant to make the first step. Family is so important to me and she is a part of that. I'd also like to get to know her family too, I don't ever expect to be Aunt Jessica to Konnor or Justin, but I'd like them to know me, even if it's just as Mom's friend. It's still a little awkward for me at times and I'm a little nervous about the first time we actually sit face to face and talk. I'm afraid I won't be able to say anything! But I am so excited and happy that she's becoming a real sister and I hope someday that she will be in all senses of the word. No "halves" here!

Other people that keep dropping in or finding me on Blogger or MySpace have ended up being some real surprises! My pretty much oldest friend, Cathy, recently messaged me on my blog and I'm excited to reconnect with her again. We've known each other since pretty much the day she was born, June 12th, one year after me. We've been friends on and off since then and unfortunately been more off than on as we've gotten older. I'm really hoping now that we've "found" each other again, we can really catch up on life with each other. Also, the friend I talked about in a previous blog has me very happy about the future, this is a friend I have truly missed. Someone I had a definite connection with and really enjoyed spending time with. I am so very thankful that he made the first step in extending the olive branch in wanting to be REAL friends again. His is one that I have truly missed because of it's affect on me before we made the mistake that we did. I really look forward to getting back to the way we were and feel very lucky for a second chance...with more than one person involved in that situation.

Maybe the most exciting person I've gotten to meet this year is my new nephew, Brody Andrews Sellen. Maybe he and I don't have much to talk about yet, but I love him nonetheless and his addition to our family is a celebrated one. He's such a handsome little guy and we all love him so much. He just gets more and more personality everyday. He's getting to be quite the little chub too! Almost weighs half as much as his 2 year old sister already! He's absolutely adorable and just like his sister, Jaiden, before him, he lights up a room with his happy little smile and the few little giggles we get out of him. I can't wait to see him grow and learn new things like I have with Jaiden. They are definitely a pair of the most adored children ever born, that's for sure!

All in all, this has been a relatively good year...despite hospital visits, despite family member injuries, despite lying witches, despite all the bad, I have to say that the first part of 2008 is shaping up well and I can't wait to see where it goes from here. Any year that starts off with more good than bad is always promising.

Full Circle Of Friendship

Last night was a really surprising night for me. Now in most senses it was the same old same old - work, Clearview, that's about it. But one short conversation definitely put a positive spin on an average Friday. Someone that I have had a very strained and awkward relationship with for several years due to some incidents of which we were both responsible, told me that he still cared about me a lot and missed how things used to be between us. This was something I had been feeling for a long time but not knowing how he thought about it made me not want to push the issue, plus with our "uncomfortableness" with the situation, I don't think either one of us wanted it to appear like we were trying to be more than just friends again. I didn't know how to approach him anymore, didn't know if we were even friends anymore. And this was someone I had considered my first real guy friend, he was really in all senses of the word, my best friend. We had so much in common, just seemed to click on the our opinions of things and just had an instant comfort with each other. Something I have a hard time finding sometimes. When I met him, and I do still remember the day very clearly, I knew he was going to be something special and important in my life. And he certainly has. Back when things were still good, he was that unbiased mind that I went to for advice, someone who at times comforted me when I was hurt or depressed. Someone who didn't judge me. And I have missed that so much. I never thought I'd get the chance to get it back after all that had happened. But last night he gave me a little spark of a light at the end of the tunnel by saying he thinks we can get it back and agreed with me in the hopes that it will happen. It was just really good to know that I wasn't the only one who felt the way I was feeling, that I missed our friendship and that despite it all still loved each other as a friend. That I wasn't the only one who missed having that someone who gets it to talk to. So here's to that actually happening and that we've come full circle in the drama we created for ourselves. Here's to finding that friendship once again.

Look In The Mirror...What Do You See?

*Sigh* It's been a bit of a stressful week. Shouldn't have been and I should not have let this bother me but due to prior experience, of course it has! Earlier this week, the girl who I previously stated had made an effort to derail my budding relationship with Rich, has once again reared her ugly head and made yet another attempt at ruining what has the potential to be something really special. Unlike her, I will once again not use her name because I have more respect for my fellow person than she does obviously. I would not deliberately go out of my way to hurt someone as she has so many countless times in the years that I have known her. I, unlike her, have a heart and a conscience. This time though, instead of saying derogatory things about me and my friends, she has chosen to attack Rich. Now, for those of you who have met or know my boyfriend, you know what a kindhearted, sweet, and giving person he is. He will go out of his way to help perfect strangers if the need calls for it. He is just one of those selfless people who always puts someone else first. I know - I'm so lucky, right!? Honestly, he really is someone who one could easily take advantage of...guess he's a lot like me. Now, she is trying to say that he has another girlfriend, other than me. Now, knowing her and how much of a conniving, deceitful, and lying person she is, I should have let this mis-information just go in one ear and out the other, but due to the fact that in my last relationship that is exactly what happened to me, I couldn't help the wheels of doubt from starting to turn. I couldn't stop those sneaking feelings of suspiciousness and paranoia from seeping into my mind, no matter what I already knew as the truth. And I know how unfair that is to Rich, I shouldn't punish him for the actions of the mistakes I made before, but their mark on my mind and heart have been indelible. He and I have talked about this and were both profoundly upset that she would start such a rumor and to drag his sister in and place all the blame on her. She and his sister are very close friends and the impression I keep getting is that she isn't even giving me a chance and is in cahoots with this girl to make sure he and I don't stay together happily. I've never done anything to her to make her want to destroy this little bit of happiness I've finally found. I know the girl has to be a miserable person, to try and create this drama and malcontent. Seems like the only joy she finds in life is in the pain of others. And as much as I want to confront her, to tell her what I really think of her, to air her dirty laundry for the world. I won't. Why? Because I pity her. Pity her and the life she's leading, the example she sets for her young daughter and child to come. She is still just a child herself to behave the way she does. It's time to grow up and take responsiblity for yourself instead of butting your nose into things you really don't know anything about. We're happy, try and find some of that for yourself. Continuing as you are will only bring more darkness to your heart and if you do, you'll never find anything but that. I'd love to just unleash the anger I had earlier this week, because it's still there. The urge to grab her, shake her, slap her around a little, it's still under the surface of the calm I find now. But I know better and I know the type of person she is. It's a shame she comes from such a nice family and should reflect what her parents taught her instead of trying to hurt so many people with lies. I really do pity her and that's what saves me and her for not doing what I'd really like to. So I forgive you. I forgive you for all the rumors you've started now and from years before. Because those who know the truth, those who know you, know your lies. And those who know you, will never believe a word that comes out of your mouth. Especially anything good. I'd really like to know how you can look at yourself in the mirror every day and not see the ugly person you have become. Your face maybe pretty but inside you're the ugliest person I have ever met. Goodluck in life, you're going to need it.

One positive thing to come out of all of this is it's made me appreciate what I have with Rich just that much more. I think I was already starting to take it all for granted. Like I've said, I thought our honeymoon period was pretty much over in the first week and I went through a period of "grumpiness" with him where I found myself getting annoyed easily, but recently even before this, we started, atleast I did, finding a comfortable place with each other. Like it had been a lot longer than just 2+ months that we'd been together. After this week though, even though those little questioning fears are still lingering a little. I find that I'm appreciating him, just being around him and just what we have. I find myself slowly getting close to the big "L" word. I don't use that term loosely. I used too quickly before and I knew then I wasn't ready for it but said it to make the other happy. Now, I find myself wanting to say it but am afraid to be the first person to do it. Guess we'll have to wait and see. I do know that I care for him a lot and I'm really looking forward to where all of this goes. I know I'm lucky to have someone like Rich in my life. You don't come across men like him that often anymore.