Daddy That Never Was

I'm 26 years old and I'm still hurt by the fact that my dad doesn't really love me. Maybe that's silly, maybe it's not. I don't know. I guess I should just know and be comforted by the fact that so many people do love me, care for me, etc. But my dad doesn't. The man partially responsible for my existence doesn't really care if I live or breathe. Some days I wish I didn't know who he was, wish my mom hadn't made him be a part of my life, made him admit I was his. She hates him for how he's treated me, how he treated her, but still she defends him to me when I get hurt or angry. Says "he's your dad and you should love him." But I can't anymore. I see him occasionally, at family functions, he says he love me but how can a man who denies a child who looks so much like him? I have never been able to decide whether I'm the lucky illegitimate child or not. See I'm the third in a 3 year succession of illegitimate children my father produced. My oldest sister knows who he is, has on occasion seen him, coincidentally our mothers are friends. My older brother, may have seen him once or twice and we mistakenly realized we were related one day during a conversation in study hall when I was about 14 or 15. That's not all either, he actually did the manly thing and married the mother of my next two younger sisters, born 6 years and almost 10 years after me. Finally history repeated itself with the birth of my little brother now almost kindergarten aged, also out of wedlock, but atleast he lives with this one's mother. Maybe it's selfish of me to have wanted something more from him. Selfish of me to want him to see me graduate from high school. But I should understand that he had to see his girlfriend's son graduate from sixth grade. Selfish of me to want to share with him the one thing in my life that makes me truly special, singing, inviting him to choir concerts when I had a solo, which was just about every year since the 8th grade, was too much to ask, but I should understand when he could make it to his girlfriend's son's choir concerts when he didn't do much more than take up space in the back row. Maybe those things were years ago, but they still hurt. Still cut right to the heart of me. All I have ever wanted was for him to be proud of me and to tell that to me. For the words "I Love You' that came from him to actually mean something. But they just don't. I can't even bring myself to tell him I love him anymore. Because how can I love a complete stranger? And how can I expect a complete stranger to love me? I can't and I don't. I've always told myself that my grandfather was my real father, grandma even calls him "my dad" most of the time and in all real respects he was my dad and I know he thinks of me as his. But he isn't my dad. He's my mom's dad. As much as I'd love it if he really were, he's not. He'll still be the man to walk me down the aisle, should that day ever come. And if not him, it will be someone else, but not my dad. Never him. He will be lucky if he's invited to the wedding. And if invited I'd be surprised if he attended as I'm sure his girlfriend or her son would have something more important for him to do or attend. I've always been an overly forgiving person. Always the one to let things roll off my shoulder, to laugh when someone was putting me down and the one to still want to bend over backwards for that person in hopes what they said would change and they'd want to be my friend. But I don't think I can do that with him. I don't think I can just let it go to to my father, the man who's supposed to be a little girl's hero, the one to chase the monsters from under her bed away. I guess all I've ever wanted was to count to him. But I guess I just ended up another statistic in his long line of forgotten children.
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"Emotionless" by Good Charlotte

Hey dad

I'm writing to you

Not to tell you that I still hate you

Just to ask you how you feel

And how we fell apart

How this fell apart?

Are you happy in this great big world?

Do you think about your sons?

Do you miss your little girl?

When you lay your head down how do you sleep at night?

Do you even wonder if we're alright?

But we're alright. We're alright.

Chorus:

It's been a long hard road without you by my side

Why weren't you there all the nights that we cried?

You broke my mother's heart, you broke your children for life

It's not okay, but we're alright

I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes

But those are just long lost memories of mine

I spent so many years learning how to survive

But I'm writing just to let you know I'm still alive

The days we spent so cold, so hungry

Were full of hate, I was so angry

Those scars run deep inside this tattooed body

There's things I'll take to my grave

But I'm okay. I'm okay.

*Chorus*

And sometimes I forgive

Yeah this time I'll admit

That I miss you, said I miss you

*Chorus*

And sometimes I forgive

And this time I'll admit that I miss you, miss you

Hey dad...