What It Once Was...

I don't know why I feel like writing this tonight, well, this morning, but I do. After last night, it's really made me think about all that's gone before, what is yet to be and the way I wish things could go. I'm talking about the friendships I used to have with some of the most amazing people to ever walk upon this earth. You might know them as Louis, Jed, Tim, Phill, Bob, Apollo and a few more, but I know them as my second family, my Shanty family. There have been others who have joined us and stayed, some who have joined us and left. But now it feels as if we're all leaving. I'm not trying to say we shouldn't grow up, but I am saying don't forget where you came from. We all used to spend just about every day together, and if not every day...atleast every weekend. Now it's seems like it's impossible to get us all in one place at once. I know we all have obligations to ourselves, our jobs, the new families we seem to be building, but don't forget the family that was always there for you before. I hope that I have not made myself unaccessible to these people because that is something I would never do. I guess I'm just having a hard time letting go of the best times I have ever known. I never really felt like I belonged anywhere in high school, I was always the third wheel to two best friends but when I started hanging around these people I felt like I finally found somewhere that I could feel at home. Somewhere that I didn't have to be anything more than who I was, accepted for every little idiosyncracy, every little stupid move, every little imperfection. And now as we all move our own ways I'm feeling like I'm back in high school again, trying to find a place I really belong. After this weekend, it really made me realize how much I miss those days. I got to spend one night with a lot of these people I haven't seen in way too long. And I swear I didn't want the night to end, just being in the same place at once made my heart happier than it has been in awhile. Didn't want to see everyone go back to their own homes, knowing that the days of crashing together at someone's house and waking up to talk about the previous night's events were over and done. I sit here and I can't help but get teary-eyed and emotional just remembering those late nights at the Shanty (old and new) at the Palace, and up at Bob's where we would stay up listening to music, bullshitting, sitting by a fire, enjoying a few drinks and the pleasure of each other's company. Knowing that you didn't have to call and see what everyone was doing because you already knew and already knew that your presence was one that was expected, hell, required. But those days are gone now, never to be resurrected. Because we're growing up. We're finding those that we may or may not call "the one". We're starting families, making futures, committing to adulthood. I'll admit it, though I might be one of the oldest of us all, that I am not ready for that yet. I am not ready to let all of this go, I didn't have the "fun" high school experience that most of them had. I didn't start partying till I met them. I'm still going through my "rebellious" stage, though being legally able to drink doesn't make it nearly as exciting to me as it had to be for them. I'm not ready to let go. But I know there's nothing I can do about it. I can't stop the inevitable, can't stop the moon from rising, stop the tide from flowing and all of those other poetic ways of saying what will be will be no matter what. I feel like I've lost so much this past year. Lost best friends. Lost people that I held so close to my heart that there is nothing in this world I wouldn't do or attempt to do to make them happy, nothing I wouldn't do or give up to make sure there was a smile on their face instead of tears or a frown. Those of you who read this, I don't want you to think I'm taking away from anything that you want, have accomplished, or have found, because I wouldn't, because that means that I would want you to be unhappy and that's the last thing I would ever want. You all deserve everything your heart desires and if there's any way I can help you find that, don't ever hesitate to ask. I'm just scared that this is something that will eventually progress to us occasionally seeing each other in passing and not stopping to talk or give each other a hug, but to just nod or wave and keep on going. And that's not what family does. Atleast not anyone I have ever considered TRUE family in my heart. And each of you are. If I could ever find the words to truly express to each of you what you have done to me I would write it across the sky so the world would know and realize that Jessica Rose Confer is one of the luckiest girls in the world. Because I am. I am thankful for that day that I took the old Grand Am to show Heather when I bought it and then she took me to town and I met Phill Bob Tony and then Jethro...and they took me back to a place 3 miles from my house where I reacquainted myself with old friends who welcomed me unconditionally, though the fact that I was 21 didn't hurt my standings! So no matter what you say about that old car - it was the best car I ever owned! So here's to the days that used to be - the days of hanging out at Monro for hours on end, sitting in the old parking lot bullshitting about everything and watching the world go by, sitting in the Old Shanty watching the Fast and the Furious (Slow and the Irritating) and Gone in 60 Seconds over and over again, sitting on the hoods of cars in the driveway of the new Shanty as we checked out the racers that went past, the nights of partying in a house that was way too good for us (LOL) and seeing the drama unfold too many times, sitting around the fire under the tree at Bob's listening to people argue about what music to play and the nights of hanging out at the View and the lovely Diamond Lunch. Memories I will never forget, people I will never forget. I miss you all so much. Miss your friendship, your smiles, the way we could spend time together talking about nothing, the times where we didn't talk but always felt satisfied by just being around each other. I miss you all so much. And while I know things will never be the same...I hope we all remember what used to be, I know I will always remember it with a smile and a tear. And if you stop someday and think about one of your Shanty family and just can't help but smile or laugh, then I guess it was all worth it. I love you all - always. Shanty For Life.
***********************************************************
Moving On
I HATE THE TIMES I'VE SAID REMEMBER WHEN
HOW I'D GIVE ANYTHING TO GO BACK TO THEN
THE DAYS WHEN WE WERE YOUNG AND CAREFREE
WHEN THINGS THAT DO NOW DIDN'T MEAN THAT MUCH TO ME
HOW LIVES HAVE CHANGED IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE
EVERYONE'S IT SEEMS, EXCEPT FOR MINE
CAN'T FORCE MYSELF OUT OF THE PAST
GUESS THAT'S WHY I'LL ALWAYS FINISH
LAST CHORUS: CUZ I CAN'T LET GO OF WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN
COULDN'T BE THE SAINT FOR ALL OF THE SIN
DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE WHAT I'VE KNOWN
THE ONE THAT TRIED BUT COULDN'T LET GO
FOUGHT TO KEEP US TOGETHER FOR EACH OTHER'S SAKE
ALWAYS TOO LITTLE, A DAY TOO LATE

I THOUGHT THIS WAS SOMETHING WE'D HAVE FOREVER
A TIE THAT TIME COULD NOT SEVER
BUT EACH HAS FOLLOWED A DIFFERENT PATH
SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THESE DAYS COULDN'T LAST
CHORUS:

NOW I'VE GROWN INTO ANOTHER VERSION OF ME
NOT THE PERSON I EXPECTED TO BE MAYBE WEAKER, MAYBE STRONGER
BUT THE SHADOW IN THE CORNER I'LL BE NO LONGER

2ND VERSION OF CHORUS: AND I'LL GIVE UP ON WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN
I'LL NEVER BE THE SAINT, CAN'T FORSAKE THE SIN
CAN'T KEEP TOGETHER WHAT ALWAYS FALLS APART
TIME TO FIND A PLACE, TIME TO FIND A NEW START