Best Friends Or Lack Thereof

Sometimes, okay, well, most of the time, I wonder if I have a "best" friend. I know a lot of people consider their significant other their best friend, but Rich and I are definitely not there yet. Some consider their sibling their best friend…I didn't grow up with any of my siblings in the same house and while I am close (and getting closer to others) to some of them, we never had that kind of relationship. For some people it's someone they grew up with, known since childhood, but that's not it for me either. Nor is it a school friend for me, most of my time in school was spent being the third wheel to two best friends, I never really was a best friend. I've been thinking about this for awhile and I have to admit, it makes me a little sad to realize that I don't have that someone that I tell every little thing to. For me to be best friends means it's felt by both sides. I guess it's kinda the same way I view being in love. You can't be in love unless it's felt by both people. Atleast not in REAL love. So I guess I feel that you can't be a REAL best friend unless the other person feels the same way. Don't get me wrong I have some really great close friends, but I just don't think I've ever in my life had a real best friend. In some cases, I thought I did and the situation got confused by other things and changed the relationship. Now I know at 27, this might seem childish, but I have felt like a third wheel pretty much my whole life. To friends and to family. Kinda makes me feel lonely to know that I don't have that someone for me. Maybe someday it will be Rich and I would really like to consider him more than just my boyfriend, I'd really like him to be a confidante and friend and would like to give him the same, but we just aren't quite there yet. I know you can have more than one, but it gets hard when you feel like you're shut out by another. Makes you feel like you don't count as much as you thought. It's lonely out here without that someone to talk to, that someone you open up to. I used to have that, but I just don't feel like I count like that to some people anymore. I'm not saying I'm jealous, or maybe I am, but I'm not begrudging anyone that person who makes it easier by being there. Just wish I had that someone for me again...

A Little Too Ironic...Yes I Really Do Think!

Just to recap as I always do…I’m going to start with last Friday night because despite everyone’s desire to soothe my fears, it ain’t happening. Sorry, maybe I’m just a little bit more openly sensitive about things than the rest of the family is trying to be, but I can’t help myself. Last Friday I get a text message from my cousin, Stephanie, asking me if I’d “heard about gramps?” Instantly I get a nasty feeling in the pit of my stomach. No, I hadn’t heard anything about him that had given any cause to be concerned, so I asked what was up. I get a message back from her saying, there’s a possibility he has colon cancer but we’re not supposed to say anything about it, especially to gram because it might cause her to overload on stress and have another stroke. Instantly I am heartbroken, it was like getting kicked in the face with a steel toed boot. That’s not my grandpa you’re talking about there. That’s my DAD. That’s the guy who’d be walking me down the aisle someday. I tried really hard to keep my cool for awhile because I was at Clearview and didn’t want to make a scene there, but later on I couldn’t help myself as I laid there in bed thinking about everything and just unleashed the tears. Woke up poor Rich who sweetly held me as I sobbed like my heart was broken. Which in a way, it was. To think of him not there is something I try hard to ignore. I know he’s mortal just like any other person, but it’s hard not to think that your heroes won’t live forever. That goes for my Gram too. The day I don’t have either one of them in my life is one a piece of me will be gone too. After I tried to calm myself, I realized it wasn’t going to happen so I got out of bed and crawled in with my mom and woke her up at about 3am wanting some answers, something to take the feeling of dread that I couldn’t shake. She told me go back to bed and she’d get to the bottom of it by morning and that if it were really all that serious, they wouldn’t have sent him home after his cataract surgery. That they would have kept him there for further tests instead of sending him home and saying that they’d give him a colonoscopy after his second eye surgery next month. That made me feel better, but still even the possibility of that little word, cancer, is enough to strike fear into the hearts of anyone, whether personally afflicted or otherwise. My papa is my dad, he’s my hero. It’s hard not to get scared. But so far, with the thought of him not being held at the hospital, I have felt a little better. If it were serious they’d have kept him right? I’ll be sure to keep you all updated on the progress with this.

The next day was my sister, Nicole’s, graduation party. It wasn’t a total bust due to the weather but it was definitely held back by it. It was really great seeing so many of my friends together since it’s so difficult to get us all in the same room these days. It’s crazy to believe that she’s graduated from college. Seems like just yesterday I was helping her move in and climbing up eighty million stairs carrying TVs and boxes…crazy how time flies.

Today was a mixed up day, let me tell ya! First of all I slept way too late and thought I’d missed my chance to have lunch with my sister, Kristi, but fortunately we still worked it out. I have to say I was a little scared that it would be awkward and that we wouldn’t have anything to say to each other but it was the opposite and I had a really great time talking to her and meeting her adorable son, Konnor. He was so cute and entertaining and I was so happy to finally meet him. We had an hour or so of great conversation and pretty good food down at Clearview and agreed that we would try to do it atleast once a month. I really look forward to getting to know her better and feel so lucky that I got a good one for a sister!

But this is where the day gets ironic…this weekend marks the true beginning of my relationship with my ex-boyfriend. Nothing too special in that…hell I didn’t even want to acknowledge the day but when I got to work, two of my fellow employees took upon themselves to remind me, hey, today’s the day Ben quit! Gee, thanks, just what I wanted to remember…a lying, cheating bastard! *Sigh* But that’s not the best part! Literally not more than fifteen or twenty minutes later I’m out getting my lunch and putting gas in my car before the price goes through the roof this weekend when low and behold, who should pull in to the gas station after me? Ben! Honestly, I couldn’t help but laugh a little and think ‘you’ve got to be fuckin’ kidding me” (sorry for the f-bomb, but that’s exact thoughts). I didn’t look at him, I didn’t talk to him, didn’t acknowledge his presence but paid for my gas and pop and went out the door with a repeat of the previous though and giggled to myself as I walked back over to my car. Today of all days!? Come ON!! I tell ya…life is too effin IRONIC. Alanis had it down…I definitely DO think!

But I digress…besides I don’t wish him too awful of a life. He’s got to live with himself and what he’s done. He’s got to live the life he’s made for himself. I don’t wish him ill will. Not to him or to his wife. I’d kinda like it if he fell off the face of the earth, but I’ll take what I can get and a little misery would be alright. I didn’t waste hardly any tears on him so I guess it didn’t mean that much anyway. Sounds like I’m trying to convince myself of that huh? Nah, I just have had enough time to think of what our relationship entailed and it’s not really worth getting worked up over…obviously it didn’t mean that much to him, so why should it to me? Besides, I’m with a great guy now. One that’s pretty much devoted to me and really for the most part makes me happy. One that doesn’t have someone on the side! I can share like the best of them, but there are just some things you just don’t want to share and your boyfriend is one of them, that’s for sure. Honestly, I’m still giggling a little at the thought of seeing him today, again, today of all days! Like a good swift kick in the butt…didn’t see it coming, didn’t like it, but it was kind of funny.

I suppose, I should do something a bit more productive than this, so I’ll sign off for now. Keep you all posted on what’s going on in my twisted ironic life! Keep coming back for more!

The Way We Were, The Way We Are, The Way We Hope To Be

You know, I've been thinking about things that have been happening in this past year and I can't help but think that, already though it's not quite half over, 2008 is shaping up to be one of the most happy years I've had. So many people have come in or come back into my life and I really couldn't be more excited and eager to see what happens next. Granted, I have also lost some friends and I'll miss how much they impacted my life despite their choices but really I have been fortunate enough to meet some great new people and get to know one that I have wanted to for a very long time.

I was lucky enough on the day after Valentine's Day to find that special guy that I get to call mine, Rich. I have been a devout HATER of Valentine's Day for many years, both Valentine's Day and New Year's Eve because they are the most couple-oriented holidays there are and for many years I have never had anyone to call mine on Valentine's Day. The night before myself, and two of my co-workers, Chrissy and Chris (both ladies) decided that we would be each other's fake "lesbian" dates for Valentine's Day because we were all of the same opinion of the holiday, highly over-rated Hallmark Holiday. We went out and enjoyed each other's company, none of us thinking that our situations were going to change. But the next night, I did my usual stop at Clearview and Emily came over to me and said there was someone that she and my mom had wanted me to meet for a long time. That he was a really nice guy, quiet, and had been treated pretty badly by his ex-wife. She had him come down and say hello to me, but I was surrounded by a few people who were drunk and adamant for my undivided attention, so we didn't have the opportunity for more than that because I bailed out of there so I could get some space from those who don't get it that you don't need to be in someones face to get their attention. I ended up coming back to the Clearview with Brittany and Desiree and he was still there. Apparently he spent a lot of time there but I had never noticed him. I was sitting over at a table with the girls when he came over to talk to me for awhile amid the dart game he was playing (when I met him he was addicted to darts!) and while it was like pulling teeth to get him to talk, I actually stepped out of my own comfort zone and made the efforts at conversation. It wasn't love at first sight, but it was definitely like at first sight. We made plans to meet the next night at Clearview where he met some of my friends and family and the rest is history. We're now going on nearly 3 months of being together and while I've had my moments of stress, he's been there and accepted me as me. Something not everyone gets! Everyone likes him and more importantly...I do! And after our recent rumor issue, I've come to really appreciate him being in my life. I'm really finding myself falling for him...REALLY falling. And honestly...I couldn't be more excited. I'm coming to the point where I really want to say that "L" word, but I'm afraid to since I've been burned before and just don't want to be the first one to say it. Guess we'll see how that works out.

Another exciting development is the relationship I'm getting to start with my older sister, Kristi. I have wanted to extend my interest in knowing her for a very long time. I have met her before, have spoken to her, we even went to school together, but we never really acknowledged that we were related in the complete sense of it. I know I was always proud to know that she was my sister. She was always a great student, such a nice person, and a great athlete throughout high school. But that's where our interaction ended. Now, thanks to the small step our younger sister took in adding her to her own life, I'm getting the opportunity to connect with her and each of us become a part of the other's life. This is something I have looked forward to for a long time but have always been hesitant to make the first step. Family is so important to me and she is a part of that. I'd also like to get to know her family too, I don't ever expect to be Aunt Jessica to Konnor or Justin, but I'd like them to know me, even if it's just as Mom's friend. It's still a little awkward for me at times and I'm a little nervous about the first time we actually sit face to face and talk. I'm afraid I won't be able to say anything! But I am so excited and happy that she's becoming a real sister and I hope someday that she will be in all senses of the word. No "halves" here!

Other people that keep dropping in or finding me on Blogger or MySpace have ended up being some real surprises! My pretty much oldest friend, Cathy, recently messaged me on my blog and I'm excited to reconnect with her again. We've known each other since pretty much the day she was born, June 12th, one year after me. We've been friends on and off since then and unfortunately been more off than on as we've gotten older. I'm really hoping now that we've "found" each other again, we can really catch up on life with each other. Also, the friend I talked about in a previous blog has me very happy about the future, this is a friend I have truly missed. Someone I had a definite connection with and really enjoyed spending time with. I am so very thankful that he made the first step in extending the olive branch in wanting to be REAL friends again. His is one that I have truly missed because of it's affect on me before we made the mistake that we did. I really look forward to getting back to the way we were and feel very lucky for a second chance...with more than one person involved in that situation.

Maybe the most exciting person I've gotten to meet this year is my new nephew, Brody Andrews Sellen. Maybe he and I don't have much to talk about yet, but I love him nonetheless and his addition to our family is a celebrated one. He's such a handsome little guy and we all love him so much. He just gets more and more personality everyday. He's getting to be quite the little chub too! Almost weighs half as much as his 2 year old sister already! He's absolutely adorable and just like his sister, Jaiden, before him, he lights up a room with his happy little smile and the few little giggles we get out of him. I can't wait to see him grow and learn new things like I have with Jaiden. They are definitely a pair of the most adored children ever born, that's for sure!

All in all, this has been a relatively good year...despite hospital visits, despite family member injuries, despite lying witches, despite all the bad, I have to say that the first part of 2008 is shaping up well and I can't wait to see where it goes from here. Any year that starts off with more good than bad is always promising.

Full Circle Of Friendship

Last night was a really surprising night for me. Now in most senses it was the same old same old - work, Clearview, that's about it. But one short conversation definitely put a positive spin on an average Friday. Someone that I have had a very strained and awkward relationship with for several years due to some incidents of which we were both responsible, told me that he still cared about me a lot and missed how things used to be between us. This was something I had been feeling for a long time but not knowing how he thought about it made me not want to push the issue, plus with our "uncomfortableness" with the situation, I don't think either one of us wanted it to appear like we were trying to be more than just friends again. I didn't know how to approach him anymore, didn't know if we were even friends anymore. And this was someone I had considered my first real guy friend, he was really in all senses of the word, my best friend. We had so much in common, just seemed to click on the our opinions of things and just had an instant comfort with each other. Something I have a hard time finding sometimes. When I met him, and I do still remember the day very clearly, I knew he was going to be something special and important in my life. And he certainly has. Back when things were still good, he was that unbiased mind that I went to for advice, someone who at times comforted me when I was hurt or depressed. Someone who didn't judge me. And I have missed that so much. I never thought I'd get the chance to get it back after all that had happened. But last night he gave me a little spark of a light at the end of the tunnel by saying he thinks we can get it back and agreed with me in the hopes that it will happen. It was just really good to know that I wasn't the only one who felt the way I was feeling, that I missed our friendship and that despite it all still loved each other as a friend. That I wasn't the only one who missed having that someone who gets it to talk to. So here's to that actually happening and that we've come full circle in the drama we created for ourselves. Here's to finding that friendship once again.

Look In The Mirror...What Do You See?

*Sigh* It's been a bit of a stressful week. Shouldn't have been and I should not have let this bother me but due to prior experience, of course it has! Earlier this week, the girl who I previously stated had made an effort to derail my budding relationship with Rich, has once again reared her ugly head and made yet another attempt at ruining what has the potential to be something really special. Unlike her, I will once again not use her name because I have more respect for my fellow person than she does obviously. I would not deliberately go out of my way to hurt someone as she has so many countless times in the years that I have known her. I, unlike her, have a heart and a conscience. This time though, instead of saying derogatory things about me and my friends, she has chosen to attack Rich. Now, for those of you who have met or know my boyfriend, you know what a kindhearted, sweet, and giving person he is. He will go out of his way to help perfect strangers if the need calls for it. He is just one of those selfless people who always puts someone else first. I know - I'm so lucky, right!? Honestly, he really is someone who one could easily take advantage of...guess he's a lot like me. Now, she is trying to say that he has another girlfriend, other than me. Now, knowing her and how much of a conniving, deceitful, and lying person she is, I should have let this mis-information just go in one ear and out the other, but due to the fact that in my last relationship that is exactly what happened to me, I couldn't help the wheels of doubt from starting to turn. I couldn't stop those sneaking feelings of suspiciousness and paranoia from seeping into my mind, no matter what I already knew as the truth. And I know how unfair that is to Rich, I shouldn't punish him for the actions of the mistakes I made before, but their mark on my mind and heart have been indelible. He and I have talked about this and were both profoundly upset that she would start such a rumor and to drag his sister in and place all the blame on her. She and his sister are very close friends and the impression I keep getting is that she isn't even giving me a chance and is in cahoots with this girl to make sure he and I don't stay together happily. I've never done anything to her to make her want to destroy this little bit of happiness I've finally found. I know the girl has to be a miserable person, to try and create this drama and malcontent. Seems like the only joy she finds in life is in the pain of others. And as much as I want to confront her, to tell her what I really think of her, to air her dirty laundry for the world. I won't. Why? Because I pity her. Pity her and the life she's leading, the example she sets for her young daughter and child to come. She is still just a child herself to behave the way she does. It's time to grow up and take responsiblity for yourself instead of butting your nose into things you really don't know anything about. We're happy, try and find some of that for yourself. Continuing as you are will only bring more darkness to your heart and if you do, you'll never find anything but that. I'd love to just unleash the anger I had earlier this week, because it's still there. The urge to grab her, shake her, slap her around a little, it's still under the surface of the calm I find now. But I know better and I know the type of person she is. It's a shame she comes from such a nice family and should reflect what her parents taught her instead of trying to hurt so many people with lies. I really do pity her and that's what saves me and her for not doing what I'd really like to. So I forgive you. I forgive you for all the rumors you've started now and from years before. Because those who know the truth, those who know you, know your lies. And those who know you, will never believe a word that comes out of your mouth. Especially anything good. I'd really like to know how you can look at yourself in the mirror every day and not see the ugly person you have become. Your face maybe pretty but inside you're the ugliest person I have ever met. Goodluck in life, you're going to need it.

One positive thing to come out of all of this is it's made me appreciate what I have with Rich just that much more. I think I was already starting to take it all for granted. Like I've said, I thought our honeymoon period was pretty much over in the first week and I went through a period of "grumpiness" with him where I found myself getting annoyed easily, but recently even before this, we started, atleast I did, finding a comfortable place with each other. Like it had been a lot longer than just 2+ months that we'd been together. After this week though, even though those little questioning fears are still lingering a little. I find that I'm appreciating him, just being around him and just what we have. I find myself slowly getting close to the big "L" word. I don't use that term loosely. I used too quickly before and I knew then I wasn't ready for it but said it to make the other happy. Now, I find myself wanting to say it but am afraid to be the first person to do it. Guess we'll have to wait and see. I do know that I care for him a lot and I'm really looking forward to where all of this goes. I know I'm lucky to have someone like Rich in my life. You don't come across men like him that often anymore.

Off The Top Of My Head

Wow...I've been slacking again. But in retrospect, that's a good thing, right? Means I'm out living life instead of writing about it! Let's see...what's been going on?

Well, I tried to have one of "those" talks with Rich, but it definitely didn't go the way I wanted it to. I breached the subject of not knowing much about his past or more personal life and asked why he didn't talk about it. All I got was "I don't know." *Sigh* I then continued by saying that I'd like to know more about him, because after more than 2 months of seeing each other, I feel like I've opened up a lot in showing who I am and where I come from but still don't know much about him. This lead to him just putting his arm around me and again coming up with "I don't know why." I really don't think it should seem like pulling teeth to get to know someone who's supposed to care about you. I don't think it should be so hard to share who you are with someone you care about. Am I being pushy? Am I being selfish? I don't know. This isn't the only issue I have but the other seems...well, it really does seem like a superficial and selfish reason to be "upset" about. I'm not really angry about it. It's just that I am someone who makes an effort to make others feel good about themselves by telling them they look nice and while I don't REALLY need the validation, we all like to hear it sometimes. Not once since we've been dating have I heard a "you look nice tonight" or a variation of it. Not once. I feel childish even writing about it, but sometimes when your self-esteem isn't that great to begin with, you need that little something from especially your significant other, that your efforts to look good for them actually pay off. I get that he's a guy and they just don't really pay attention to stuff like that sometimes but I'm a girl that needs it every once in awhile. I can't bring something like that up because if I hear it from him after that it seems like he's just saying it because I did. Lose lose situation....oh well.

Let's see what else...OH for EVERYONE to know - don't go to Donovan and Bauer Auto Group in Titusville for anything! No service, no cars...they don't know what quality work is! Around six months ago I had a wheel bearing/hub replaced on my car. Granted these parts are crap on all Grand Ams and I've gone through so many on the 2 I have owned that its ridiculous, but six months was definitely a record! I had Rich replace both of them on the front of my car recently and he called to tell me during the process that when I had the one replaced at the dealership they failed to put in 2 of the 3 bolts that hold the wheel on the car. I asked if this was something that could have just fallen out accidentally and he said no, that that's a secure piece and that where they should have been was rusted proving that they had not been in the wheel for awhile. Huh? Interesting. I asked if this was something dangerous and he said absolutely, it only had one bolt/screw holding the whole wheel on the car and it could have easily snapped off. I was pissed! I could have been seriously hurt or even died! And what if I had had someone else in the car with me? What if I had Jaiden or Brody with me? I was so angry, I wanted to march into that service department and tell them exactly what kind of workers they had employed there but after talking to my mom she said I couldn't really complain because the service department manager had given her a lot of discounts over the years and I had to let this one go. Huh? Wonder if we'd have let it go had the wheel come off? So while I can't complain to them, I can let everyone I know what kind of operation they have going down there - shitty! Avoid Donovan and Bauer Auto Group - they don't know quality!

Had another disappointment last week...found out Black Widow will not be at Clearview on my birthday. :( I was so looking forward to that! I've seen them come and go on everyone's birthdays and couldn't wait for them to be there on mine! Especially now that Lana knows I can sing and would have most likely pulled me up there to sing again! Definitely puts a damper on my canoe and band plans! I'm going to suck it up though and have decided I want to go camping after canoeing now. And while some friends have offered their backyard...No thanks...that's not camping! I want us all in tents out in the middle of no where! It's been so long since I've really camped and am definitely up for it!

So much is going on in the next couple of months...just don't know how I'm going to afford to swing it all! This weekend is Alisha's bridal shower and I have yet to get her a gift. Next is Rich's birthday...and I have sworn NO John Deere! The boy is obsessed with it and anything I'd get he'd probably already have. I think I'm going to add some Old Navy to his wardrobe! Just stuff I think he'd actually wear, so T-shirts or Hoodies, don't worry honey - no polos yet! Next is Alisha and Louis' Stag n Drag - and that's $15 for both me and Rich to go. Never heard of paying for a bachelorette/bachelor party before but whatever I guess. I don't want to miss it so I'll have to pay. The weekend after that is Nicole's graduation party...which will probably just involve a card and some cash but there's still that. Following that is Alisha and Louis' wedding, involving yet another gift! I'm going to be broke by the middle of June if not sooner. Thankfully after that is my own birthday - so money will be appreciated! Hahaha! I think that's all I've got going right now, but of course it's always subject to change and additions!

I've been trying to change my life healthwise a lot lately, especially since being in the hospital. It's so damn hard though! I've been making myself excercise in some way every day before I go to work and so far it really hasn't been that hard pulling my butt off of the couch yet. I really like the dancercise DVD I have right now (think the same one as you, Jen!). Boy, when I started I was so uncoordinated! I actually put it away for almost a year because I just didn't think I had the rhythm for it but when I pulled it out this past week, I've found that it is there after all! I've also been walking a little and went out and bought a bike that I try to ride a couple times a week. Over did the first day with 2 miles...boy were my muscles sore and my legs wobbly! Had to remember I wasn't a kid anymore who could just hop on the bike and go! So I'm working up to going a little farther every day. Of couse none of this is going to help really until I completely change my diet. That's been my toughest challenge. Just can't bring myself to totally give up that good stuff that's so bad! I'm supposed to be on a 2000 calorie diet per my doctor due to my diabetes but I'm having such a hard time following it. Starting next week though, I'm getting that diabetic handbook out and trying to set myself up the right way. Wish me luck! I'd like to lose atleast a few pounds before we go on vacation to Topsail Island, NC the end of September so I don't feel quite so whale-like on the beach!

Guess that's it for now...till next time! Oh and hope you enjoy the music and all that I've added...it was just for you wonderful visitors - if there are any!

A Weekend In The Life...

Well, another weekend has come and gone. They never really seem to last long enough do they? I know they don't for me! My poor boyfriend, he doesn't seem to know what a weekend or even a day off is. Such is the life of the "on-call mechanic". I know I would be terrible at being "on-call" for anything. I'd probably never answer the phone (Thank goodness for caller ID!). Poor Rich got called into be at work at 9:30 on Sunday night and didn't end up leaving until around 2 AM, plus had to be back by about 8 AM. What kind of crap is that? I kind of worry our relationship might suffer for it. I would never ask him to put me before his work but I'd actually like to get to see him for more than a day! But it's only been 2 months (today officially) that we've been together, guess we'll have to wait and see where the situation takes us. I know I'm not quite ready to give up yet!

Friday night, we did the usual Clearview thing. I, of course, had to work until 11 but showed up to find Rich hanging out with my friends, April, Tyler, and Bill. I can't tell you how much that makes me happy! I really want them to be his friends too and he's so painfully shy and quiet, I really wondered how it was going to work out. Most of my friends are NOT on the quiet side, especially when they get a little alcohol in them! Rich, on the other hand, barely speaks most of the time (sober or otherwise) and I feel so bad for him because it seems like he's not having a good time. I understand that's probably just how he is, but he really does need to talk more! I notice he's slowly getting more comfortable with certain people, Steph, Dustin, April, Tyler. I think being quiet is just how he is, though. Something to get used to. I wish I knew more about him before we got together. I don't really know very much yet still. I don't even know his kids' names yet. After my last relationship, I'm afraid to push and pry about anything and that makes it hard to start asking any questions. I didn't push hardly at all in my last relationship, didn't push to meet his family or kids or push to make myself a real part of his life. And that's what probably cost me all of the time I wasted on him. If I had pushed before, I'd have learned the truth a lot sooner and saved myself a lot of insecurity afterwards. But live and learn, right? I don't think Rich would treat me like Ben did at all, but it still makes me leery to question anything. I fell for the song and dance before, I don't want to do it again, my trust has been shaken so I have taken everything a lot slower this time. I understand in Rich's case things are a lot different, because like me, he was the hurt party in the situation he was in. He was the one left for someone else, like I was. Guess we have a bit more in common. Well, we didn't last long at Clearview, April and Tyler had to start moving into their new place early the next morning and Rich planned on going fishing with Danny, the only friend of his I've met, but actually already knew long before I met Rich. It was still an interesting night with meeting our friend, Craig's, date for the night. I'm not going to name names but my mom knows her and they are the same age - 47. He's only 26. I know he likes the older women, but geez! She's got kids OLDER than him! And to be honest, she looks her age. Not all women of that age look it! He knows he's an ass though and seems to take these dates with the "cougars" as a laugh. Thinks he's "the man" for nailing older women I guess. But atleast he knows he's an ass...

The next night (Saturday) I got to spend some quality time with Rich and some friends. Which is why I LIVE for my weekends! When I first started going out, I always went to Titusville, AKA T-Vegas. That's where most of my friends hung out and it just made sense for me to go there. Needless to say, I made new friends there and gained some fans along the way as far as my singing goes. Unfortunately with my working in Warren now, I never get the opportunity to really go to T-Vegas and with a few of my friends hating to go out there due to the heavy surveillance by the police as far as the bars go. But anyway, because April and Tyler (those who dislike it most) were moving this weekend, I decided that we should head out to T-Vegas for the night and see some old friends. Steph, Dustin, Barb, and Bill came a long too and it turned out to be a really nice night with some people I've missed...and some who have apparently missed me too! Dustin and I busted out some karaoke and wowed the crowd like we always do, getting lots of well-appreciated compliments. I have to say that I've definitely missed the crowd at the old (yet new) Diamond Lunch! One disappointment though, was finding out that Erie Idol auditions had been the night before and I had missed them...such is my luck! I think I really would have auditioned this year too! I guess there's always next year...I found out the people that won a chance to the next round were some of my old karaoke contest circuit partners...Becky and Jay. Many times we traded winning positions in different contests, so I wish them goodluck and you're lucky I wasn't there! Hahahaha! People were a bit surprised to learn that I've changed a few of my songs and have added a few rock tunes that always seem to impress. Probably never would have even tried them if it weren't for "Cassies" in Warren. That bar is all about hard rock karaoke and I have never seen anything like it. Figured I had to learn something as close to hard rock as I could if I planned on coming back! Though I have to admit that they've come to accept the fact that I'm gonna bust out a country song every once in awhile and I think I paved the way for others to be brave enough to do it too! Guess I've paid my "rock dues"!

Sunday night was my uncle's fiancee's birthday. *Sigh* I'm almost hesitant to say what I really think of their situation here. In fear that maybe it might come back to bite me in the ass if I actually put it out there. Obviously by saying that, I'm not in agreement with his choice for a life partner. She's just not really what I ever pictured him settling down with. I don't see where they really have anything in common. I understand that opposites can sometimes attract but I still can't wrap my mind around him spending the rest of his life with her. Unfortunately my uncle is one of those people you can't tell stuff like this to. Actually my WHOLE family is filled with those people! Myself included! We just don't like to hear it. We are all worrying that he might just be settling because he doesn't want to be alone. I love my uncle a lot. He and I have a pretty good relationship. We even make a point of having lunch together every weekend and catch up. He really is a great guy and deserves someone who gets him and has a real connection with him. Not just settle for someone who has "put in the time". They've never even lived together and she's pushing for them to get married by September. Are they going to live in separate houses? She lives in town, he lives in the country and I just don't see either one moving into the other's home. I just don't see where this would ever work out. She's very high maintenance and he's the polar opposite. Of course, he can probably see more in her than we can, but what we see, most of us don't like. And don't even get me started on her kids! Well, just one of them anyway. Let's just say I hope he grows out of it. I really do just wish the best for my uncle. He deserves someone who makes him truly happy and the more I see this wedding pushed on him, the less happy he seems. Guess we'll have to wait an dsee what happens on September 13th, whether he makes it to the altar or not. I've been asked (by her) to sing at the wedding...I told her it'd cost her. Hahaha...

Work has been okay, for the most part. A few more heads have rolled since they started the drug test head-hunting. A lot of speculation has been thrown around about who the suspected "narc" is...and we'll probably never know the truth. I know it's not me, so that's all that matters. I'd hate to be the person who is if it ever comes out! I've never really had to worry about any drug tests myself, I'm a clean girl! I'm not going to play innocent and say I've never tried it, but it was never for me and nothing I felt the need to bring into my life. All I know is that those who partake around here had better drop it for a little while otherwise they might be joining those already in the unemployment line! I've never really understood the addiction to anything...other than food and asshole men, obviously! I've never been one to be a heavy drinker. I've had a few bouts with smoking, but it was just as easy to not pick one up as it is to pick one up. I could smoke for a month and then put it down with no need to pick one up for a year. Guess I've just been fortunate to not have one of those addictive personalites! But to each their own, as I always say! They've started to crack down on attendance here as well. Not that I have a lot of reason to worry about that either! They're implementing a "point system" now and it has a few people up in arms about it. Every time you call off, regardless of the situation, you get a point. If you leave early, you get half a point, despite the fact it was your decision to leave or if the supervisor told you to leave. If you get 3 points, you get a verbal warning. If you get 4 points, you get a written warning. After 5 points, you're done, terminated. Now this isn't a terrible system if you already have good or relatively good attendance and it's our own faults (well those employees that took advantage of the old system) that we're being put to this system. Though it's not completely fair to those of us who have followed the rules. Also if you need a day off and you have no vacation time life, you are not immediately excused for the day, but are put in "pending" status. If someone else needs that day off or we're busy, you're expected to work. This does NOT bode well with me. After I was in the hospital, I lost all but one day of my vactaion time and now I need a day off in August and I made a point to put in my request WAY in advance (yesterday). I'm going to see Daughtry in concert in Meadville and have already bought the nearly $100 tickets. But even though I was considerate enough to let them know months in advance, I'm being put in "pending" status. This wasn't my boss' decision, she was ready to give it to me, but the powers that be told her otherwise. This is partially because I'm taking a week's vacation in September (my first REAL vacation in years! A week on Topsail Island, NC! Can't wait!) and she's already told me I have that time off regardless of whether or not I have any time left. I am not missing this concert. The tickets were too much for me to miss it and it's only one damn night. I'm willing to take the night not paid. And hell, if it comes down to it I'll just call off and take a damn point. And I don't call off unless I am totally incapacitated with a migraine usually. Give me two if you want. I am NOT missing this concert!

That's the other interesting thing that's happened...I ended up with 4 tickets to the Daughtry concert...oops! I had Steph and Dustin order me two tickets this morning when they got theirs so we could sit together, then called to tell Mom I'd already got them, but she'd already ordered me 2 for my birthday. Fortunately a few of my friends are Daughtry fans (how could you not be!), so I sent out a text to them all and within a minute I had them sold to my friend Barb. So thanks Barb! I won't be sitting with all of them but I've got center seats a little bit farther back, but dead center in the track at the Crawford County Fair. Can't wait to see that sexy bald-headed rockstar! He definitely has a few songs that get me!

Well, guess that's all for today...who knows, maybe I'll feel froggy enough to bust out bit more later...

FYI for Readers

Just wanted to let my readers - if there are any! - know that the blogs preceding the "Recapping" blog are all older blogs from my MySpace writings. I picked a few of what I considered the best to post on here too and just wanted to explain for the lapse of time and ages being off (a few of them say I'm 26 and I'm 27 now...) and for the "Men" one, I have met a great guy and am in a GOOD relationship, hahaha! Just wanted to avoid any confusion! Enjoy!


~The Author~
jess

Men I Have Encountered

I'm starting to realize something now at 26 that I should have realized long ago. I, Jessica Rose Confer, am a dirtbag magnet. And if it's not a dirtbag, it's something extremely close -- the guy old enough to be my dad, the already involved with someone guy, or the married guy. I just don't understand it.
In regards to this first type, there have been times when I have honestly said, "I wish I was a dirtbag." Because, really if you think about it, they have no real standards. The majority will just look for something of the opposite sex, preferably of the same species, though sometimes I think that's just a bonus option. And I don't get why they flock to me -- maybe I'm just too nice, too friendly and they take that as interest, but let me tell you guys -- you're getting the wrong impression! Friendship is one thing -- considering a relationship entirely another! I hate to say this about myself but I'll admit I've probably set my standards a little too high for someone like me. I know I'm no prize and I would like to say that I've never thought that I am "better" than someone else but I can't lie. And you can't tell me that 99.9 % of the people in the world haven't felt that way atleast once in their lives, so unless you're Mother Theresa, don't judge me! I know there are MANY people who have looked down their noses at me in superiority, but even though I pushed myself for their approval in the past -- I'm over it. I kinda like me now. And that's what probably makes me a little picky, but I'm sorry, I can't be attracted to someone who has a rat-tail or mullet, or doesn't know enough to pull up his pants so three-quarters of his asscrack isn't hanging out. I'm sorry but the only moon I'm going to gaze at romantically is the one hanging in the night sky! And I don't think I come across or even look like the kind of girl who would be interested in men like that. In the last few years, I've finally found my niche in style, or would like to think I have. I've conquered thinking that just because I was a bigger girl that I had to hide myself in big, baggy boys clothes and have really embraced the femininity I lacked. And I've finally allowed my greatest "assets" to breathe -- you all know the "girls" like to see the sun too! Finally, I feel like a woman and am enjoying it thoroughly. That's why I don't understand why these men approach me, as snotty as it sounds, and I know it does, we are not on the same level -- mentally or otherwise. I look for someone I can have a real conversation with, someone to snuggle with in the morning and do the crossword together in bed. Does that guy exist?
The next example is too old for me guy -- ok, I like an older guy as much as the next girl, but if you're old enough to have dated my mother and still have been the "older guy" to her -- move on. Yeah, maybe I didn't have the greatest relationship with my dad, hell, I don't think I'd even constitute the acquaintance of father and daughter that we have as a relationship, but despite that, I don't have a "daddy complex." I don't feel the need to replace him, and besides he was replaced at birth by my grandfather, who I now use as the example of the man I hope to find someday. That being said, I don't want to be someone's status symbol (tells all his friends he nailed a chick half his age) nor do I want to be a midlife crisis, buy a sports car, color your hair, grow a mustache, don't bother me! Maybe you think I might be interested because by your being older that makes you wiser, more sophisticated and worldly but honestly it only makes you one thing -- OLDER.
Next on the list is the already-involved guy. These and the married ones are very similar but have significant differences. One being that band of some precious metal and the little piece of paper legally stating you belong to someone else. The already involved guy is usually one who is confused as to whether or not the one he's with is actually "the one", or he's looking to build up his ego by how many girls he can bed before the girlfriend finds out and he has to pull himself out of shit creek because he's drowning in his own BS. I think these guys look for girls like me because they see the vulnerability and low self confidence and prey on it. I'll admit I've succumbed to both of these types of already involveds. I think the first type really affected me because despite the circumstances, he made me feel special, that maybe it wasn't just some physical attraction between us. That one still haunts me and probably always will, the what could have been, the what shouldn't have been, and the way I wish it had really gone. The second one I regret because I know I was just a knotch in his bedpost and while I've moved on from it, I wish there wasn't something to move on from. But we all have those skeletons that we wish would bury themselves under that pile of New Kids on the Block T-shirts and high top sneakers in the back of our closets.
Finally, there's the married guy. These ones are complicated. One reason being that "you can't touch" factor that drives us crazy! One never wants something more than when they're told they can't have it. It's that old "keep your hands out of the cookie jar" problem all over again. And the fact that they've embraced the "commitment" side of life just makes them more desireable. I've sworn to myself that if they have a ring on their finger that I wouldn't even put them into contention for my interest -- but unfortunately the rings don't stop THEM! When someone that I can be attracted to flirts with me -- I'm sorry, I react and, damn it, flirt right back. And as a married man there are just some things you don't say, don't even elude to! They drop the line "I wish we could be more than friends", after they already have you hooked with sweet words. So while they dangle what they have in front of you, all it was to them was teasing. Maybe giving them an ego boost, reassuring them that they still have "it". Well, your wife can keep "it." You gave up all rights to other women the moment you said "I do". Maybe that's why they find it so easy -- they know that even if they get shot down there's always someone at home. So save me the trouble of getting hurt, by you or your wife -- stay home! I admit I fell for one of these pretty hard and it was equally hard when I was dropped 3 months later. Live and learn, grow and be wiser, that's all I can say. Life goes on I hope his wife can really put what he's done behind her. If she can she is a far more forgiving person than I could EVER be. There are no 3 strikes and you're out. No foul balls. All it takes is once and I want you out of my life for good. If I'm not worth following the simple rule of being faithful, then you're not worth my time. Keep it in your pants or keep on moving.
That all being said, maybe I should explain what I am looking for. I'm looking for a guy who takes pride in his appearance and works hard with minimal complaint. One who can hold a decent conversation with just about anyone - especially me, but also knows when words are just too much. One who respects who I am and loves me for it. One who has understanding for my mistakes -- past, present, and future. One who loves what I love, understands what I believe in. One who doesn't feel the need to pretend anything with me or expects any more than what I have to give. One who loves my family, because through thick and thin, rain or shine, they're part of every aspect of my life and always will be. One who likes my friends and can get what it means to be "Shanty for Life." One who likes to read, maybe likes to write, and enjoys learning something new, from each other or from the world. One not afraid of change and not afraid to stay the same either. One who's touch can set me on fire, whose lips give me life and heart wants no other. One who loves music, especially country, and who isn't afraid to sing to me, whether he can carry a tune or not! I know I'm asking a lot here -- an intellectual, romantic, loving, honest, devoted redneck with a little style sense. Is that really a lot to ask for? Apparently so, as I'm still alone. But he's out there, just waiting for me to cross his path. Well, he can find me in Grand Valley, PA...I'll be waiting.

What It Once Was...

I don't know why I feel like writing this tonight, well, this morning, but I do. After last night, it's really made me think about all that's gone before, what is yet to be and the way I wish things could go. I'm talking about the friendships I used to have with some of the most amazing people to ever walk upon this earth. You might know them as Louis, Jed, Tim, Phill, Bob, Apollo and a few more, but I know them as my second family, my Shanty family. There have been others who have joined us and stayed, some who have joined us and left. But now it feels as if we're all leaving. I'm not trying to say we shouldn't grow up, but I am saying don't forget where you came from. We all used to spend just about every day together, and if not every day...atleast every weekend. Now it's seems like it's impossible to get us all in one place at once. I know we all have obligations to ourselves, our jobs, the new families we seem to be building, but don't forget the family that was always there for you before. I hope that I have not made myself unaccessible to these people because that is something I would never do. I guess I'm just having a hard time letting go of the best times I have ever known. I never really felt like I belonged anywhere in high school, I was always the third wheel to two best friends but when I started hanging around these people I felt like I finally found somewhere that I could feel at home. Somewhere that I didn't have to be anything more than who I was, accepted for every little idiosyncracy, every little stupid move, every little imperfection. And now as we all move our own ways I'm feeling like I'm back in high school again, trying to find a place I really belong. After this weekend, it really made me realize how much I miss those days. I got to spend one night with a lot of these people I haven't seen in way too long. And I swear I didn't want the night to end, just being in the same place at once made my heart happier than it has been in awhile. Didn't want to see everyone go back to their own homes, knowing that the days of crashing together at someone's house and waking up to talk about the previous night's events were over and done. I sit here and I can't help but get teary-eyed and emotional just remembering those late nights at the Shanty (old and new) at the Palace, and up at Bob's where we would stay up listening to music, bullshitting, sitting by a fire, enjoying a few drinks and the pleasure of each other's company. Knowing that you didn't have to call and see what everyone was doing because you already knew and already knew that your presence was one that was expected, hell, required. But those days are gone now, never to be resurrected. Because we're growing up. We're finding those that we may or may not call "the one". We're starting families, making futures, committing to adulthood. I'll admit it, though I might be one of the oldest of us all, that I am not ready for that yet. I am not ready to let all of this go, I didn't have the "fun" high school experience that most of them had. I didn't start partying till I met them. I'm still going through my "rebellious" stage, though being legally able to drink doesn't make it nearly as exciting to me as it had to be for them. I'm not ready to let go. But I know there's nothing I can do about it. I can't stop the inevitable, can't stop the moon from rising, stop the tide from flowing and all of those other poetic ways of saying what will be will be no matter what. I feel like I've lost so much this past year. Lost best friends. Lost people that I held so close to my heart that there is nothing in this world I wouldn't do or attempt to do to make them happy, nothing I wouldn't do or give up to make sure there was a smile on their face instead of tears or a frown. Those of you who read this, I don't want you to think I'm taking away from anything that you want, have accomplished, or have found, because I wouldn't, because that means that I would want you to be unhappy and that's the last thing I would ever want. You all deserve everything your heart desires and if there's any way I can help you find that, don't ever hesitate to ask. I'm just scared that this is something that will eventually progress to us occasionally seeing each other in passing and not stopping to talk or give each other a hug, but to just nod or wave and keep on going. And that's not what family does. Atleast not anyone I have ever considered TRUE family in my heart. And each of you are. If I could ever find the words to truly express to each of you what you have done to me I would write it across the sky so the world would know and realize that Jessica Rose Confer is one of the luckiest girls in the world. Because I am. I am thankful for that day that I took the old Grand Am to show Heather when I bought it and then she took me to town and I met Phill Bob Tony and then Jethro...and they took me back to a place 3 miles from my house where I reacquainted myself with old friends who welcomed me unconditionally, though the fact that I was 21 didn't hurt my standings! So no matter what you say about that old car - it was the best car I ever owned! So here's to the days that used to be - the days of hanging out at Monro for hours on end, sitting in the old parking lot bullshitting about everything and watching the world go by, sitting in the Old Shanty watching the Fast and the Furious (Slow and the Irritating) and Gone in 60 Seconds over and over again, sitting on the hoods of cars in the driveway of the new Shanty as we checked out the racers that went past, the nights of partying in a house that was way too good for us (LOL) and seeing the drama unfold too many times, sitting around the fire under the tree at Bob's listening to people argue about what music to play and the nights of hanging out at the View and the lovely Diamond Lunch. Memories I will never forget, people I will never forget. I miss you all so much. Miss your friendship, your smiles, the way we could spend time together talking about nothing, the times where we didn't talk but always felt satisfied by just being around each other. I miss you all so much. And while I know things will never be the same...I hope we all remember what used to be, I know I will always remember it with a smile and a tear. And if you stop someday and think about one of your Shanty family and just can't help but smile or laugh, then I guess it was all worth it. I love you all - always. Shanty For Life.
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Moving On
I HATE THE TIMES I'VE SAID REMEMBER WHEN
HOW I'D GIVE ANYTHING TO GO BACK TO THEN
THE DAYS WHEN WE WERE YOUNG AND CAREFREE
WHEN THINGS THAT DO NOW DIDN'T MEAN THAT MUCH TO ME
HOW LIVES HAVE CHANGED IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE
EVERYONE'S IT SEEMS, EXCEPT FOR MINE
CAN'T FORCE MYSELF OUT OF THE PAST
GUESS THAT'S WHY I'LL ALWAYS FINISH
LAST CHORUS: CUZ I CAN'T LET GO OF WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN
COULDN'T BE THE SAINT FOR ALL OF THE SIN
DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE WHAT I'VE KNOWN
THE ONE THAT TRIED BUT COULDN'T LET GO
FOUGHT TO KEEP US TOGETHER FOR EACH OTHER'S SAKE
ALWAYS TOO LITTLE, A DAY TOO LATE

I THOUGHT THIS WAS SOMETHING WE'D HAVE FOREVER
A TIE THAT TIME COULD NOT SEVER
BUT EACH HAS FOLLOWED A DIFFERENT PATH
SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THESE DAYS COULDN'T LAST
CHORUS:

NOW I'VE GROWN INTO ANOTHER VERSION OF ME
NOT THE PERSON I EXPECTED TO BE MAYBE WEAKER, MAYBE STRONGER
BUT THE SHADOW IN THE CORNER I'LL BE NO LONGER

2ND VERSION OF CHORUS: AND I'LL GIVE UP ON WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN
I'LL NEVER BE THE SAINT, CAN'T FORSAKE THE SIN
CAN'T KEEP TOGETHER WHAT ALWAYS FALLS APART
TIME TO FIND A PLACE, TIME TO FIND A NEW START